A figure skating coach for over 30 years, Lisa Kops has spent a significant amount of time working with parents and their children, and has seen her share of all the different types of parent-child dynamics in action. As a mother of five, including an Olympian—her daughter Hailey is a figure skater who competed for Israel at the 2022 Olympics in Beijing—Lisa certainly knows the ins and outs of healthy family relationships. Realizing she had amassed a tremendous amount of wisdom through Torah learning and experience over the years, Lisa decided to officially pursue a life coaching certification, with a specialty in parenting, to teach parents how to successfully navigate relationships with their children. “I want to help people with their relationships with their children because I think that many of today’s parents don’t realize that the way they were parented is not necessarily going to work for our children today.”
When a client first reaches out to Lisa, she will set up time for a discovery call and have them fill out a questionnaire. She will speak with the parents to come to an understanding of what is going on in the home and what kind of help is needed. “We are going to really hone in on what it is exactly that a parent would like to work on, and then we set the goals.”
She will then work with her clients to create timelines and define milestones to measure success. “It’s important for clients to understand that ultimately, it is the parents who must take the initiative to adjust their behavior in meaningful ways. By embracing proven techniques and strategies, they can enhance their responses to various situations, creating a more positive environment for their children. This journey of learning not only supports their own personal growth but also fosters an atmosphere where their children can thrive. As parents become more attuned to effective communication and nurturing practices, they empower their children to develop resilience, confidence and essential life skills. In this way, the parents’ commitment to growth directly influences the child’s development, leading to a healthier, more supportive family dynamic.”
While each case is certainly unique, she cautions that the process may not be easy and could take a few months before real progress is made. “Any time you are going to make a change, it always comes with a little work and it’s important that if someone comes to me they will be willing to put in that work.” She said after a few sessions, there should be a noticeable difference for the better within the home.
Lisa was quick to add that she is not a therapist but rather guides parents in their relationship with their children, resulting in a household that nurtures shalom bayit.
Lisa also strongly believes that the answers to many parenting questions can be found in the Torah. Calling it the perfect manual or instruction book she said, “Everything in the Torah teaches us all the life lessons we could possibly need, for how to act, how to live, and yes, even how to be a parent.”
She said one of the biggest themes to have in mind when parenting is modeling the right behaviors. “You have to truly model the behavior that you want your child to emulate,” and added that the majority of children’s behavior will be based on what they observe in the home and not what they pick up in school, regardless of where they attend. “If we want our kids to lead a Torah way [of life], we have to model that behavior for them.”
Lisa admitted, however, that even when we model certain behaviors for our children, they may not always choose to follow or emulate us in our path. “Religion is a very personal aspect of our lives but if we want our children to be genuinely drawn to it, then we, ourselves, must come to it with sincerity. I try to stress to my clients to be very open and honest with their children and if they are not happy with something their child is doing, they should ask them about it. It sounds so simple but you’d be amazed at how many times I have asked parents this question [whether they’ve done this] and their answer was ‘no’ because it hadn’t even occurred to them to do so.”
Communication is key in the parent-child relationship. “As long as children know there is an open line of communication with their parents, it is likely that they will want to share things with them, whether it’s small details about how their day went, to bigger issues, like knowing when to make the right decisions when confronted with challenges.”
While Lisa said it is important to have rules in place, these rules should be approached with a loving approach and an understanding that allows parents to see the world through their children’s perspective. “It’s important to talk to your kids on their level and take them seriously, hear them out, ask them what they are truly thinking, and what they are feeling.”
Respect is a huge component when we talk about parenting. “If you want your children to respect you, it’s vital to show them that same respect in return. Respect must be mutual; it isn’t something that belongs only to parents simply because they are older. When disciplining children, it’s crucial for parents to ensure that any consequences are directly connected to specific actions. It’s also important to approach these situations as learning experiences and teachable moments whenever possible, all while demonstrating unconditional love for your child.”
To learn how you can improve your relationship with your child visit www.lisakops.com or email [email protected]
