The Talmud (Baba Batra 121a) tells us that there were no greater festive days for Israel than the 15th of Av and the end of Yom Kippur. On Yom Kippur we were forgiven our sins. Naturally, that would make it a very joyful day. The 15th of Av, apparently, was also celebrated as a big “shidduch” day. Reportedly, the custom was for all the marriage-eligible daughters of Jerusalem to go out in borrowed white dresses and parade themselves. “Shidduchim” (matchmaking) would take place that day as the young men and their families would choose their brides with little consideration to the wealth a bride might bring into the marriage. Evidently, back then, just like today, matchmaking was not an easy task and special arrangements had to be made.
One other notable event took place on the 15th of Av, according to Rav Yehudah. Intermarriage was allowed. Before we gasp in astonishment we have to consider what intermarriage meant in those days. The Gemara explained that the 12 Jewish tribes were finally permitted to marry between themselves. This contrasted with the time of the original conquest of Israel where members of a tribe could only marry within their own members so as not to confuse their territorial integrity.
Intermarriage has taken on a new meaning in modern times. Among non-religious Jews, the Pew Research Center reported in 2013 that 72 percent will likely marry a partner outside the faith. Furthermore, for those who marry a non-Jewish spouse, their children are likely to view themselves as agnostics or atheists. The grandchildren are very unlikely to identify as Jews. Hence, intermarriage is seen as a tragedy not only for the individual and their families but also to the continuance of the Jewish people.
Accordingly, in this week’s parsha of Va’etchanan, we read that there is a biblical prohibition against intermarriage. “You shall not intermarry with them, you shall not give your daughter to his son, and you shall not take his daughter for your son” (Devarim 7:3). The rabbis agreed that this prohibition was not only for the time of the conquest of Israel but for all times.
One of the examples taught in Tanach of a potential great man who was destroyed due to intermarriage was that of Samson, Shimshon Hagibor. Shimshon, as described in Shoftim 14-16, lusted after women of ill repute and ended up intermarrying with three Philistine women in succession. The last one, Delilah, infamously gave up his secret to the Philistines because she was more loyal to her native people than she was to her husband. The Gemara (Sotah 8b) commented that since Shimshon lusted after these women with his eyes, he was punished in turn by having the Philistines blind him.
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, z”l, once referred to the scourge of intermarriage and children “going off the derech” as something that was alluded to in the Torah. When we read “there was not a house that had not experienced a death” (Shemot 12:30), it would also refer to a future time when all Jewish families would unfortunately know of someone who experienced a spiritual death by abandoning the faith. She devoted her career to bringing back these children by trying to be extra loving, appealing to their emotional roots.
There are times when, despite being given a proper yeshiva education and being brought up in a supportive household, children will still go “off the derech” and will choose to intermarry. One can only speculate why this is so. All that might be left for a parent to do is support the child, but not the behavior, and pray to Hashem.
Not all prayers are answered the way we would hope. The parsha begins by telling us that Moshe continued to pray to be allowed to enter the Land of Israel. The Midrash elaborates by telling us, based on gematria, that he prayed 515 times. Finally, God asked him not to bring the matter up again.
Perhaps our perspective on Moshe praying again and again, 515 times, is not that we are to be discouraged if our prayers do not seem to be answered as we would want them to be. Instead, Moshe is to be admired for his tenacity and persistence. He did not give up. He did not go “off the derech” himself. Instead, he kept at it with an attitude of faith and optimism, thinking that Hashem would eventually heed his prayers. Indeed, Moshe was eventually given two concessions, as his prayers were partially fulfilled. He was given the opportunity to climb a mountain and see the Promised Land for himself. Second, he was reassured that Joshua, his successor, would lead the people into the Promised Land and would help settle them there.
As we approach Tu B’Av, may we merit that our children stay “on the derech” and find suitable shidduchim. May we have our prayers answered for the best, even if we have to keep praying more than 515 times. May we be especially mindful of the words of the prophet Isaiah this Shabbos as we read the haftorah that begins with the words “Comfort, comfort My people.”
By Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg
Rabbi Dr. Avi Kuperberg is a forensic clinical psychologist in private practice. He is president of the Chai Riders Motorcycle Club. He leads the Summit Avenue Shabbos Gemara shiur and minyan in Fair Lawn, NJ. He can be contacted at [email protected].
