Eons ago, when I was still an undergraduate student at UCLA, I studied and researched the role of good communication in building a healthy and lasting marriage.

At the time, relationship psychologists were talking about “active listening,” which was a relatively new concept. In the couple decades since, it has become a very popular focus in marriage counseling.

The point of this technique is to listen attentively to our spouse and then demonstrate that we listened by repeating back what they said to us. The technique is fairly simple, but also very powerful.

Too often, we don’t really hear what our partner is saying because we’re stuck in our own thoughts and feelings. In a way, it’s kind of like the child in class who’s so busy raising his hand to ask a question that he isn’t paying attention to what the teacher is saying.

Or, we filter what our spouse is saying, so much so that what we hear is very different from what they’re actually saying. It goes something like this:

What hurt Wife says: Michael, is it possible to work a little less overtime and spend more time with me and the children? We miss seeing you at home in the evenings.

What defensive Husband hears: Michael, you don’t care about me or the children because you’re never home.

The above example is a bit simplistic, but accurate nonetheless. We filter what we hear in a very distorted way because, well, because we’re human! Instead of checking our defensiveness at the door, we may feel attacked, chastised or unappreciated when our spouse expresses a hurt to us.

Active listening requires us to put aside our own script and tune in to what our spouse is actually saying. So, when I repeat back to my wife what she just said to me, I give her an opportunity to correct me if I didn’t get it right. It also makes her feel heard and understood.

Of course, understanding one’s spouse doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. The point of active listening isn’t to get our spouse to agree with us. Understanding one another allows partners to feel they’re not being minimized or brushed aside by their spouse. Put another way, healthy marriages are ones in which we feel our spouse understands and respects our feelings, our needs and our wants regardless of whether or not they agree with them.

Many years ago, a psychologist named John Gottman (and later joined by his psychologist wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman) came along and said, “Wait a minute. Not so fast.” He suggested it isn’t realistic, or even necessary, to expect people to non-defensively listen and repeat back what their spouse says to them. According to Gottman, most people are too flooded with emotion when their spouse expresses a hurt to listen and accurately repeat it back to their spouse.

Instead of active listening, Dr. Gottman provides specific recommendations to spouses to improve their marriage based on his decades-worth of research and clinical experience. What Gottman has found is that all couples experience conflict. It’s a myth, he says, that healthy couples never have verbal arguments. Therefore, arguing alone doesn’t determine whether or not a marriage is healthy and will last.

Gottman explains that what is crucial is how couples argue with each other! He is famous for demonstrating his ability to predict (with modest accuracy) whether or not a couple will divorce within the first several years of marriage based on observing them argue with each other for just a few minutes. He’s found that healthy couples argue in a very specific way, while unhealthy couples argue in a very different and destructive way.

For example, Gottman refers to what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism (attacking the person’s character), Defensiveness (denying, deflecting responsibility and blaming others instead), Contempt (using biting sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye rolling and mockery), and Stonewalling (withdrawing from the interaction either physically or by ignoring one’s spouse).

Gottman has found that unhealthy couples frequently use one or more of these styles of communicating with each other when arguing. The antidotes to the four horsemen de-escalate conflict and allow for constructive dialogue. The following, culled from Gottman’s website, are examples of the horsemen and their antidotes:

Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”

• Antidote: “I’m feeling left out by our talk tonight. Can we please talk about my day?” (Use “I” statements and share what it is you need from your spouse.)

Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.”

• Antidote: “Well, part of this is my problem, I need to think more about time.” (Accept responsibility for the problem, even if it’s only a small part of it.)

Contempt: “You’re an idiot.”

• Antidote: “I’m proud of the way you handled that teacher conference.” (Show appreciation and respect for your partner.)

Stonewalling: Typically, this is caused by being flooded with emotions, so request that you and your spouse take a break from the conflict for at least 20 minutes so that you can physically (e.g., heart rate) and emotionally calm down.

Gottman’s research makes a great deal of sense and his approach to couple’s counseling has a successful track record in helping couples to improve their marriage. However, it would be a mistake to dismiss active listening as being too difficult or unnecessary. Rather, Gottman’s techniques and active listening complement each other very nicely.

Active listening is a useful tool for couples to improve their emotional connection with each other, but any one of the four horsemen can get in the way of using this technique. Therefore, using Gottman’s antidotes to the horsemen can free up couples to then actively listen to their spouse.

As anyone who has seen the movie “The Princess Bride” knows, “twu wuv” is a very special thing, but it needs to be nurtured and tended to so that it grows and remains healthy. And good communication is the cornerstone of any successful, healthy “mawage.”

Dr. Gur-Aryeh is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Saddle Brook, NJ. He works with a wide variety of clients seeking mental-health treatment and specializes in mood disorders and addiction in particular. If you would like to contact him, you can do so at [email protected], at 201-406-9710 or through his website at www.shovalguraryehphd.com.

By Shoval Gur-Aryeh, PhD