Joining a synagogue is easy but finding your niche within a new synagogue is not. The complexity of the challenge can vary depending on the size of the shul and makeup of its members. At smaller shuls, congregants often welcome newcomers like island castaways welcome the coast guard. The excitement of new blood is palpable but sometimes initial conversations with new members can be awkward:

Jew #1: Hi there! Are you a new member?

Jew #2: Yes, I am. How could you tell?

Jew #1: It was easy. You’re standing all by yourself in the corner looking lonely, afraid and rather pathetic.

Jew #2: That’s because I’m really not good at meeting new people or starting a conversation.

Jew #1: Are you married?

Jew #2: Yes, I am.

Jew #1: Well then, how did you meet your wife?

Jew #2: It was an arranged marriage.

Jew #1: But at some point you had to talk to her, right?

Jew #2: That’s true.

Jew #1: Ah hah! And what was the first thing that you said to your wife?

Jew #2: I asked her what her name was.

Striking up a conversation with a new member also can lead to strange exchanges:

Jew #1: Do you have any siblings who live in this community?

Jew #2: No.

Jew #1: Cousins?

Jew #2: No.

Jew #1: Childhood friends, classmates, bunkmates?

Jew #2: No, no and no.

Jew #1: So, you basically don’t know a soul here.

Jew #2: Correct.

Jew #1: Well then, why did you move to this community?

Jew #2: I’m in a witness protection program.

Sometimes, well-meaning members can be a bit insensitive when meeting a new member:

Jew #1: Hello there, I’m Cynthia Neustein.

Jew #2: And I should care because…?

Jew #1: I’m a new member and I’m trying to meet people.

Jew #2: Well, do you want me to be honest?

Jew #1: Yes, please.

Jew #2: I can tell by taking one look at you that we will never be friends.

Jew #1: But what about the idea of not judging a book by its cover?

Jew #2: Oh my! You read books? Ew!!! Now I know for sure that we’ll never be friends.

Rest assured, the above hypotheticals are exceptions to the rule; usually new members to a synagogue are welcomed by current members with open arms. The honeymoon period, however, can wear off rather quickly, leaving a new member drowning in a sea of aloofness and antipathy. To help stem this tide, some shuls have adopted a policy of publicly-announced new member introductions, which typically are issued via e-mail blast or newsletter to the entire congregation. These introductions include brief descriptions about the new members but many times the blurbs lack pizazz and intrigue.

It would be far more interesting if these “new member” announcements contained juicy material that leave a lasting impression. In other words, when it comes to each new member, give the community something to re“member.” That said, sometimes new member announcements can be a bit too revealing or peculiar. For example, here are some hypothetical new member announcements that should not be publicized:

New Members: Jennifer and Josh Nutsberg

Fun Facts: Jennifer and Josh like to exercise. Jennifer enjoys jogging her memory and Josh exercises by walking back his obnoxious comments.

New Members: Gary and Shana Weirdowitz

Fun Facts: Gary is a semi-professional musician who plays the electric triangle and Shana is a former Olympic athlete who competed in synchronized floating.

New Members: Nancy and David Oddman

Fun Facts: For shabbos lunch, Nancy serves her always unpopular gefilte fish soup. David eats his brisket with a straw and drink soda only if non-carbonated.

New Members: Larry and Deborah Crazythal

Fun Facts: Larry believes that in his garage lives an extraterrestrial intelligent life form. Deborah wishes she married an intelligent life form.

New Members: Marsha and Samuel Lunaticovich

Fun Facts: Marsha insists on playing tennis with a string-less racquet and thus has never won a single point. Samuel insists on skeet shooting blindfolded and thus has never been allowed to skeet shoot.

New Members: Gabriel and Abbey Strangestein

Fun Facts: Gabriel refuses to eat equilateral hamantaschen but will consume them if they are obtuse or acute. With respect to Gabriel’s stance on hamantaschen, Abbey thinks that he is being obtuse and not cute.

New Members: Melanie and Adam Wackyhaus

Fun Facts: Melanie would like to send her children to sleepaway camp for the summer. Adam would like to send them for the year.

Final thought: It is better to be dissed by a member than to be dismembered.

By Jon Kranz