Men and women are very different. Yes, I am stating the obvious here. It would be very nice if we could all be on our “dating” behavior all of the time. Men would be chivalrous. They would open car doors, send us flowers for no reason. They would always be meticulously groomed and wear the cologne we like. They would look at us like we were perfect; laugh at all of our jokes, both funny and not so funny. They would know how to use a vacuum, how to do laundry. They would surprise us with a gourmet meal and then clean up afterwards. Romantic dates would be pulled off without a hitch and they would always make us happy. Because women deserve that.
As for the women, we would always look perfect. We would never be moody. We would never complain about anything. We would constantly thank our men for all of the helpful and wonderful things they do for us. We would have a perfectly cooked dinner on the table every night. We would sit and watch sports with the interest of a true fan. We would have his laundry cleaned, pressed and put away daily. The house would be immaculate and we would constantly be asking, “What can I do for you dear?” Because men deserve that.
And now let us take a trip back to the real world. After a few months of marriage we soon learn what the other is like. All of the mystery has been revealed. I am convinced this is the real and true reason behind not living together before we get married. I know, halachically that is forbidden, but I think the true method behind that madness is that so few people would actually get married if they lived together first. A woman is a mysterious creature. There are things about us that we don’t care if our spouses don’t understand. We are women. We have our reasons. It is hard being in a good mood all the time, and it isn’t our fault that we aren’t. There are actual, physiological explanations why sometimes we don’t think you are cute and adorable, we think you are annoying and smelly. There are times when we want to make you happy and have the refrigerator stocked with your favorite foods and then there are times where we just want to put you in the refrigerator. That is just the way it is. We don’t like when you see that side of us, but if you were perfect all of the time and never did anything for us to find fault with, there wouldn’t be any problems.
We are always seeing stories about couples that celebrate their 50th anniversary, their 60th anniversary… how do they do it? Please don’t tell me about mutual kindness and respect, I just think that after a certain age, you must start to lose your hearing and then everything seems fantastic. OK, OK, that is a little too cynical. Rephrase. I think after a certain age you just throw in the towel and say, “Well, it’s been this long, I guess we are stuck with each other.” Better?
The other day I was back at the magical place called Hans in Leonia trying to transform myself from the scary looking witch into the scary looking witch with nicer hair, and the place was packed. It was filled with women doing what women do best. They were complaining about waiting, they were complaining about their friends, they were complaining about their spouses. Normal day for us, nothing unusual here, when suddenly, the door opened and a man walked in. A hush came over the room because men rarely walk into Hans unless their wives told them to get a haircut for themselves or one of their kids. Turns out, he was there because his daughter was getting her hair done, but the poor guy looked at the room filled with women, and he was like a deer in headlights. He had entered the female sanctuary (and I am not speaking of the mikvah, but it could have been the mikvah the way the poor guy was looking at us with his “Holy cow, what have I just gotten myself into” face). So you would think that we would suddenly be on our best behavior, no more gossiping, no more complaining, let us all prove this man wrong and be the perfect women men think we are. Let him think it is just his wife and not the rest of us who can be a little nutty. Naa, we all pretended that he wasn’t there and continued the way things were.
If men want a real mystery, there is a whole section in the library for that.
Banji Ganchrow is a self-proclaimed writer who received permission from the man in this article to write it. And for the record, his wife is a lovely woman who is not nutty at all.
By Banji Latkin Ganchrow
