Many moons ago, restaurant menus were relatively mundane. A schnitzel sandwich was listed simply as a “schnitzel sandwich” with the only variation being with fries or without. Back then, a regular schnitzel sandwich was not even called a “classic” because, at that time, there was nothing to which to compare it.

Nowadays, however, kosher restaurants have turned up their games. Modern menus are replete with catchy names for a variety of schnitzel sandwiches like “Cap’n Munch,” “Monster Chicken,” “Kung Fu Schnitzel,” “Fuggedaboudit,” “Cousin Balki,” “The Big Sister,” “Crunchy Fries,” “The Holy Grilled” and “Fire Slammer.” (These are actual names of schnitzel sandwiches offered at several kosher restaurants in the tri-state area.) Each name is a clever marketing ploy to add personality and pizzazz to each sandwich and to make the menu items seem far more interesting than they really are. (Mission accomplished.)

In that same spirit, below is a list of eye-catching names for new types of schnitzel sandwiches:

1. The Shadchan: A neutral third-party interviews you first and then chooses your toppings for you in hopes of making the perfect match.

2. The Tsuris: Lettuce, tomato and some bad news, but not bad enough to ruin your meal.

3. The Tsuris Supreme: Lettuce, tomato and the type of bad news that makes you lose your appetite.

4. The Yenta: Lettuce, tomato and a barrage of annoyingly personal questions, the answers to which are nobody’s business.

5. The Yichud Room: To be eaten right after the chuppah in solitude with your new spouse. The sandwich is cut in half, perfectly down the middle, for purposes of equitable distribution.

6. The Breakaway Minyan: You can order it with whatever toppings you desire but you can’t eat it inside the restaurant. Instead, you must go to the parking lot to dine in a no-frills trailer so that you can eat your sandwich together with like-minded rebels.

7. The Carpool Pickup: Served while you sit in your car and wonder how you became a glorified and uncompensated Uber driver.

8. The Parent-Teacher Conference: You may sit down at a table to eat it but you only have five minutes. Then you must get up and move to another table. Don’t be surprised if other diners are annoyingly hovering right behind you while you eat, waiting for you to get up so that they can take your table.

9. The Get: If this sandwich is withheld, the Beit Din will get involved.

10. The Nine Days (Faux Chicken): You can eat it, but try not to enjoy it.

11. The Financial Aid: You will pay less than the menu price, especially if you have a large family, but first you must present your tax returns, bank statements and vacation history.

12. The Rosh Hashana: You will be sitting in the restaurant and eating your sandwich for over four hours while stopping intermittently to listen to the blowing of the shofar.

13. The Yom Kippur: The most delicious sandwich that you will never have.

14. The Camp Visiting Day: You will have to drive three hours and wait on a long, chaotic line to eat this underwhelming and over-priced sandwich. The saddest part is that your kids will insist that the sandwich is far better than the dreck normally served at camp.

15. The Graduation: A sandwich you can enjoy throughout the ceremony except for the fifteen seconds when your child appears on stage to receive his/her diploma.

16. The Machatunim: You either love this sandwich right away or you will hate it forever.

17. The Annual Dinner: You will really enjoy this mouth-watering sandwich but it will cost you at least $500 and will require you to listen to excessively-long self-congratulatory speeches.

18. The Gap Year: By the time you have finished this sandwich, you will be far more observant and on the verge of making aliyah.

19. The Arranged Marriage: You do not get to choose your sandwich. It will be chosen for you, whether you like it or not, but eventually you will learn to love it.

20. The Haman: Boo!!!

21. The Uncle Moishy: Served only to children between the ages of 2 and 5. When finished, your table will be cleaned by the singing “Mitzvah Men.”

22. The Shul President: Before you finish, you must listen to a series of relatively unimportant announcements that you could just have easily read about in the shul’s newsletter.

23. The Mezinka: Served only after the last of your children has married.

24. The Kumzitz: Served only while playing a super-competitive round of “Zoom, Schwartz, Figliano, No Dice.”

25. The Nebbish: Served mostly out of pity.

26. The Yeshivacation: Served only in Florida during winter break.

27. The Machane Yehuda: If you can politely push your way through the crowd without incident, a super sandwich awaits.

28. The Making Aliyah Sandwich: Served with a side order of intense Ulpan so that you can speak enough Hebrew to at least be able to order a schnitzel sandwich.

29. The El Al: Eat this sandwich either before or after the impromptu back-of-the-plane mincha.

30. The Kotel: If you enjoy this sandwich, leave a note.

Final thought: Never order a schnitzel sandwich named “The Fried Farshtunken.”

By Jon Kranz