My dear grandmother, obm, had a German phrase for a trait she held dear. She encouraged us to be “mit menschen gleich.” Loosely applied, it means being accepted, socially appropriate and beloved by others. It was a characteristic she lived by and wished to pass on to us. In my role as early childhood director at RYNJ, we have found an updated application of this essential value. The Social Thinking curriculum, created by Michelle Garcia Winner, is a program we utilize to impart social skills to early learners. Children are encouraged to aim for expected versus unexpected behaviors, among other core skills. Even our youngest learners can comprehend that when you do what is expected others feel comfortable, whereas unexpected actions make others feel, well … uncomfortable!
The Torah has many sources that advocate this kind of mindfulness to social expectations and not standing out. Applied well, it has deep benefits. Not wanting to draw undue attention to oneself and being a member of the group is a true value. Belonging to a community and congregating (hanging out) with like-minded people creates natural affinity and social comfort. A study done by the Mayo clinic, exploring the interface of socialization and health, noted that it’s even physically healthy to fit in with a community. Panicky feelings that accompany non-belonging are bad for one’s heart (and literally break it down). Calm feelings, born of fitting in, relax our minds and hearts, so much so that we actually even sleep better.
Achieving a Balance
Community comes from the Latin word communitas which means public spirit. Herein lies a possible imbalance that needs to be addressed for our children and ourselves. Spirit, or what makes one uniquely “you-ish,” cannot truly be public. Instead, it is private and individual. If a social setting demands too much conformity and doing only that which is expected, one might lose his/her own unique spirit. Many organizations, including our educational system, value innovation and creativity. Thus, there needs to be a carefully crafted balance between “beloved amongst people” and pressured conformism.
Creativity vs. Convention: The Guts to Be Wrong
The grounding principle of doing what is expected to make those around you comfortable is a truism and a safety net, yielding harmony and peace in a social system like our classrooms and playgrounds. When our students can gain insight into the thoughts and feelings of others, and be socially self-aware, harmony results. However, if this is done to the extreme, we run the risk of raising a cohort of simplistic followers. More complex and creative ideas are not usually born by looking to others for conformity, but by reaching deep inside oneself. Moreover, the brightest ideas are often developed after many tries and false starts. The courage to be wrong, to fail and then try again, is the opposite of convention. The world’s creative thinkers often look to their personal experience (not to others) and connect unusual concepts to give birth to their best ideas. Consider George de Mestral who developed Velcro, a precious product in our early childhood department! He was walking his dog when he noticed that his pet’s fur was covered in burs from a burdock plant. As he was detangling his dog, he studied the thousands of tiny hooks that embedded the burs so efficiently in his dog’s coat and he wondered whether this concept could be used to connect two pieces of clothing much like a zipper. Making the leap from dog fur to garments, and then pursuing the idea with synthetic hooks and loops of Velcro, was so creative, unconventional and new.
In Summation
As we see, there is a lot of appeal to being beloved amongst people. Staying socially appropriate and doing that which is expected is truly a tool to be taught and practiced. Simultaneously, we need to notice and nurture creative and divergent thinking in our classrooms and homes. We can model and directly teach our pupils the value of novel approaches and comfort in taking risks. Most essentially, morality and decisions about what is right and wrong should best be made with a strong inner compass (in conference with mentors) and not by looking for social approval. These are important ideas to consider in the beautiful framework that we call Jewish education.
Morah Devora Zheutlin is the RYNJ early childhood director and a noted lecturer and writer.
