I received a lot of feedback on my first installation of my series “How to Be the Perfect Mother-in-Law.” Most of that feedback, surprisingly, was positive. I did receive some suggestions to write about “How to Be the Perfect Daughter-in-Law.” That will come later on in the series. I have no shortage of material, believe me. In any event, since that column was published, a second son of my friend has gotten engaged so we needed to delve into other aspects of being a great mother-in-law. Now, I need to, once again, put something into perspective. My guidelines are based on mothers who only have sons. I would hope that those of you who have daughters, and are marrying off sons, would want to treat your daughters-in-law the way you would want your daughters to be treated by their mothers-in-law. We mothers of sons have no backup. We have no daughters to complain to; we need to make our daughters-in-law love and/or tolerate us to the best of their ability…or we are in really big trouble, because then after all of our sons are married, God willing, we are just left with our husbands.
When Husband #1’s brother got engaged, I called my mother-in-law and told her to buy her future daughter-in-law her sheitel and candlesticks. I thought that was the right thing to do. When my brother got engaged, I told my mom what to do for her future daughter-in-law. I have learned that you can only do so much, and then you just pray for a miracle. Sometimes the relationship works and sometimes it doesn’t. But, as a mother-in-law, if you are doing the best you can, then you just have to hope it takes. If you are buying your daughter-in-law a sweater set that has no intention of ever fitting her and she can’t return it, you a heading down a very lonely path.
When it comes to planning the wedding, just say yes. Hot pink flowers with doves flying around? Yes, that sounds lovely. You want me to wear a dress than can double as an Amish Halloween costume? Yes, that sounds lovely. Your future machatanim ask you to pay for the liquor? Yes, that sounds lovely. There are bentchers that your daughter-in-law really wants but can’t afford? Yes, that sounds lovely. Again, if money is an issue, all of these things are negotiable and understandable. But if, financially, there is nothing standing in your way between a large tulle chuppah and making your future daughter-in-law love you, just say yes.
If after you say yes and you think your head is going to explode, go into a soundproof room and scream it out, compose yourself, and then start again. It will be worth it.
Your daughter-in-law is the star of her wedding. Do not wear a dress that competes with hers. I don’t care if it is a white wedding and I don’t care if you have a better figure than she does, tone it down. It is not about you. When you only have sons, you have had years to be the queen, technically anyway; some of us are Cinderella-before-the-prince, but in theory, as the only female in the household, you have held that role. Pass the crown on sweetheart; it is no longer about you. Try to hold off as long as you possibly can before you start dancing in your own circle. I know it is hard. I know you would rather be dancing with your son and holding on to him for dear life, but now is not the time. Hold his hand as tightly as you can walking to the chuppah, give him his hug and his kiss and then take a deep breath and let go. He is her problem now (insert evil laugh here.).
The wedding is just a few short hours; the complaints about the “yichud room gift” last a lifetime. Make sure your son gets her something she wants, something that will make her smile, not something that she will hide some place, never to be seen again because it totally isn’t anything she would wear in public. I know it seems I am making it about “things,” but when you are in the getting-to-know-someone phase, bribery can’t hurt (and jewelry always fits).
So, future mother-in-laws, stay calm and be smart because everything you say or do wrong can and will be held against you. And as we conclude this second chapter, the most important thing of all is that this is the girl that makes your son happy so just go with it! Mazal tov…..
Banji Ganchrow is a self-proclaimed writer with three sons who will one day leave her and move as far away as humanly possible.
By Banji Latkin Ganchrow
