Motherhood is exhausting, thrilling, rewarding, challenging, frustrating and, at times, undervalued or unrecognized. The roles in which mothers are expected to perform daily are unrealistic. Have a career, but also be home for the kids. Cook dinner, but also stock the house. Attend work meetings, but also drive carpool.
As mothers, it is hard to catch a break from the never-ending to do list of parenting: pay the bills, clean the house, prepare lunches and snacks, unload the dishwasher, cook for Shabbat, drive children to various activities, host families for Shabbat meals, schedule doctors’ visits for each child and so on. There is always something else to do. As soon as you finish one task, another one appears. By the time the kids are in bed, and everything is “done,” there is barely any time left for you. These responsibilities of maintaining a household are daunting at times and can lead to emotional burnout.
Many mothers report being the “default parent,” or the one who is solely responsible for the invisible labor of the house. What is invisible labor? In 1987, Arlene Kaplan Daniels, a sociologist, coined this term to define work that goes unpaid, unacknowledged and therefore unregulated. There are no sick days, personal days or paid time off for invisible labor. There is barely any recognition for completing these tasks, and they often go unnoticed.
A few weeks ago, I was driving and listening to a podcast with Emily Oster and Eve Rodsky on this topic. The example that was discussed was the school calling the mother most of the time (nine out of 10 times). When I parked at my destination, I had an email from my son’s school addressed only to me. This further proved the point of mothers being the default parent.
How are we expected to have careers, work on ourselves emotionally and physically, and complete invisible labor with only 24 hours in a day?
In her book “Fair Play,” Eve Rodsky shared an idea to help rectify this problem. Rodsky and her husband wrote out cards with all the invisible labor tasks: folding the laundry, paying the bills, scheduling appointments, stocking the fridge, changing the car oil, dry cleaning, and so on. At the beginning of each week, the couple decides who receives each task based on their work schedule and capability, and it does not have to be 50/50. This method allows the couple to delegate tasks based on their availability and weekly schedule, leading to a “fairer” division of labor.
Another suggestion I tell my clients is to ask for what you need from your partner. Too often, we assume our partner “should” know what needs to get done or know to do it without asking. When this does not happen, we hold resentment and anger towards our partner unknowingly. But our partners are not mind readers. If you need help with a household task, ask for it! See what happens when you directly communicate your needs and wants. It can change everything.
Gabrielle Moskovitz is a therapist at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy, specializing in maternal mental health. She is passionate about advocating for women’s mental health issues such as infertility, pregnancy loss, postpartum anxiety and depression, and struggles with motherhood. Gabrielle is currently pursuing a Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMHC) through PSI. Follow along @thecheftherapist on Instagram for tips, resources and personal stories. To schedule an appointment with Gabrielle, email [email protected] or visit https://www.collaborativeminds.net/gabrielle
