Dear Dr. Chani,

Is it normal to fight a lot during engagement? I have been engaged for around six weeks and my chasan and I are constantly in an argument. We began fighting right after we got engaged and it has become much worse over time. Should I consider breaking off our engagement or is this par for the course?

When I was dating my chasan—let’s call him Moshe—I was excited about the idea of getting married. Our shadchan, who is a therapist, told me that my chasan is perfect for me and would definitely be “my husband.” I have a friend who suffered from an early divorce so it was very important for me to have a mentor that I could rely on while I was dating. I felt so fortunate that my shadchan was also a professional who understood people and relationships. Yet, looking back, I cannot say that I was really excited about dating Moshe. I had to convince myself to want to be with him.

After we became engaged, things went downhill from there. I began to notice that Moshe does not have the personality I was looking for. He is much more laid-back and, dare I say, lazy than I had imagined. He sleeps late, does not seem committed to what he is doing during the day, and seems to only be focused on hanging out with me and having a good time. He lacks passion and ambition. I had also really hoped to marry someone who would be more spiritually inspired and growing. After seeing Moshe’s real personality, I have lost a lot of respect for him.

Another issue that I have noticed is that Moshe tends to get angry at me and his temper flares very fast. I never noticed this before we were engaged. But now, the littlest things that I say can set him off. I even feel a little afraid when he gets angry at me, although I know that he would never think of hurting me. Knowing that what I say may set him off makes me feel like I am always walking on a tightrope, worrying about stepping out of bounds and saying the wrong thing.

When I discuss these issues with Moshe, he tells me that they are only temporary and that engagements can be stressful. He said that once we get used to each other things will be a lot calmer and we will not have as many disagreements.

I have also spoken to our shadchan about the issues that I have noticed but he says that I should not worry because Moshe is such a nice guy and “he wouldn’t hurt a fly.” He reassured me that things will work out in the end.

I feel confused and anxious and do not know where to turn. Should I break off my engagement or trust that everything will be OK?

Sincerely,
Uncertain

Dear Uncertain,

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to feel so unsure about your upcoming marriage. Constant fighting during your engagement can be very disheartening and emotionally draining. You are wise to take a step back and think about whether or not this is normal even while people that you rely on are giving you reassurance. Let’s explore some of the realizations you have come to so far and what they may mean for your decision about whether or not to break your engagement.

You mentioned that you are “constantly in an argument.” Is this cause for concern? It is common for couples to have disagreements, especially during engagement, which is a period of significant change. Becoming an official couple brings with it new dynamics as two individuals begin to make decisions together as a couple. The process of transitioning from singlehood to couplehood can bring up differences and deep emotions that did not surface beforehand. Yet, constant arguments may signal that there are deep compatibility issues and personality clashes that should not be overlooked.

One of the issues that you noticed during engagement is that you feel that Moshe does not have the ambitious, goal-oriented personality, or spiritually inspired values you had hoped for. As the initial excitement of dating and getting engaged has faded, you have noticed that your expectations of how Moshe would act have not been fulfilled. People tend to become more of their true selves following engagement and marriage, so it is important that you take your observations and your feelings seriously. At the same time, Moshe’s behavior may be different because of something having to do with this time of engagement or there may be reasons why he is acting this way that you are not aware of. It is great that you have begun to discuss your feelings with Moshe and allowed him to share his perspective with you. His feedback and his explanation of why he is acting this way during engagement can be one part of the puzzle that helps you to get a full picture and gain clarity about what is right for you.

Aside from the personality and value differences that you describe, one of the more concerning aspects of your situation is that you feel somewhat afraid of Moshe. Regardless of the stresses of engagement or your personal disagreements, you should never feel unsafe or that you have to constantly walk on eggshells. It can be helpful to explore what Moshe is doing that contributes to you feeling this way, as well as what other sources may be contributing to your reaction.

Ultimately, you need to get to a point where you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship.

As your disillusionment with your chassan has grown, you reflect that “looking back, I cannot say that I was really excited about dating Moshe. I had to convince myself to want to be with him.” I was struck by the way you describe your early relationship history. You may be allowing yourself to be in touch with feelings that you had while you were dating that you previously suppressed or you may be rewriting history to reflect the negativity you currently feel. Those are two possibilities that are worth investigating more. Either way, when you find yourself describing your early relationship history in such negative terms, it is a strong indication that your relationship is in significant distress.

Regardless of Moshe and your shadchan’s efforts to reassure you that things will improve, it is crucial to listen to your own feelings and intuition. Remember you are the one who has to live with this relationship and your perspective matters the most for you to make your own decision.

Taking all this into account, it may be wise to pause and reflect deeply on whether this relationship is right for you. Talking to a therapist who can offer an unbiased perspective can help you sort through your emotions and make a decision. Ultimately, you need to trust yourself. You deserve a relationship that feels hopeful, secure and fulfilling.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.