Dear Dr. Chani,

I have a sensitive question about my child’s wedding plans since I divorced many years ago and my first wife and I are each remarried. My oldest daughter from my first marriage recently became engaged. I was so thrilled and looked forward to the upcoming wedding. Yet my excitement dissipated when she told me that she would like to have my ex-wife and her husband walk her down to the chuppah. I am beside myself with pain and disappointment and I do not know what to do.

After my divorce many years ago, my children chose to live primarily with my wife. I have a pretty good relationship with my children and I would have loved for them to live with me. Yet, I allowed them to reside with my wife so that my children would have a sense of stability and normalcy to their lives. It turned out that my wife remarried soon after our divorce, and our children grew up with their stepfather as a central figure in their lives. I remarried a few years ago, and although my wife is wonderful, my children have not had a lot of time to get to know her.

It seems to me that my daughter would like my ex-wife and her husband to walk her down the aisle because this will help her to continue to feel like she is living a normal life. I spoke with my daughter about her request and she said that although she would like me to walk her to the chuppah, she feels uncomfortable walking down without her stepfather, who she feels is like a father to her.

I understand my daughter’s reasoning, but I cannot let go of my own emotions. I have already sacrificed a lot by allowing my children to live most of the time with their mother. In a sense, I fear that my willingness to let go of my children might have paved the way for this decision. Is it possible that my daughter feels that I abandoned her in some way? Does she care about her relationship with me? Maybe I am being paranoid, but my daughter’s request definitely stirred up a lot of worries that I have had since my divorce.

How can I deal with this situation? What can I do to work things out with my daughter? I would like to feel happy at the wedding while making sure that my daughter is not resentful.

Sincerely,

Sammy

Dear Sammy,

I can understand why your daughter’s request to have her stepfather walk her down the aisle opened up the floodgates of negative emotions for you. In the aftermath of your divorce, when you chose to have your children live with their mother, you thought that by letting them live mainly by their mother you were doing what is best for them. Now you feel that the decision is coming back to haunt you. You fear that maybe throughout all of these years, your children might have seen the situation differently and that they might feel somewhat abandoned by you. This concern is very real and is a lot to bear. So how can you deal with your daughter’s request and the negative emotions that it has triggered?

Firstly, it is important to know that in the midst of the joy and excitement of planning a wedding, it is normal for people’s emotions to be triggered and for misunderstandings to occur. When family members voice their opinions about wanting something to be a certain way at the wedding, they are not always fully aware of all the reasons why they want it that way. These preferences can be deeply rooted in people’s personal experiences as well as their values, beliefs and cultural norms. They can also be influenced by other people, including people who may be suggesting what they should do or people who they are trying to please. Therefore, it can be helpful to have conversations to try to understand where the opinion is coming from.

Ask your daughter to arrange a quiet time to speak with you about the wedding plans. Let her know that you are thinking about her request that her stepfather walk her down the aisle and that you would like to know more about it. You can ask her open-ended questions that can help her reflect on why she feels this way such as, “What led you to the decision that you would like your stepfather to walk you down the aisle?” Be prepared for your daughter to need time to open up and express her emotions to you. She might even share emotions that you never knew existed.

After you have listened to her and summarized for her what you heard her say, you might want to open a window for her to see how you feel about this situation. You might tell her what it means for you to walk her down the aisle. You can also reflect on the past and share with her your reasons for allowing her to live primarily with her mother, explaining to her that you always wanted to do what is best for her. Ask her if you can both think about a way to have everyone’s needs met. You may need a process of several conversations to shed light on how you both feel and work through the emotions on both sides. Although the conversations may be difficult, it can ultimately strengthen your relationship with your daughter.

Keep in mind that when your daughter expressed to you that she would like to have her stepfather walk her down the aisle, she clarified that she would like you to walk her down the aisle as well, but that she also feels uncomfortable walking down without her stepfather, who she feels is like a father to her. You might have felt like you were punched in the gut because the idea of your daughter wanting to have her stepfather walk her down the aisle sounds like she would like to replace you with her stepfather. Yet, it might be that your daughter feels pulled in two directions: she would like you to walk her down and she would also like her stepfather to walk her down.

It seems that for your daughter the people she chooses to walk down the aisle represent a significant symbol of who raised her to get to this momentous occasion. Maybe she would like both you and her stepfather to walk her down the aisle yet she has never seen this done. There are many options open for you that can enable you to respect all of the relationships of your blended families. You do not need to be bound by what is common. For example, maybe one set of parents can walk your daughter halfway down the aisle, and then another set of parents can meet her in the middle and walk her the rest of the way. Alternatively, would it be possible for your daughter to be led to the chuppah by your wife and her husband on one side of her and you and your wife on the other? Although it is uncommon for a team of five to walk down the aisle, I know of a wedding where this was done to accommodate a blended family. They asked the wedding hall to ensure that there was extra room on each side, and while broadening the space of the aisle they also broadened the minds of all who attended their simcha to embrace how blended families can celebrate a simcha as one whole.

I hope that you and your daughter can find a way to accommodate your family’s needs and strengthen the relationships of all your family’s members in the process.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

To all my dear readers: Wishing you a Sweet New Year filled with joy, blessings, contentment and peace! May we merit to see a complete redemption!

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.