Dear Dr. Chani,

I am writing in response to your last column in which “Wishful Thinking” wrote about her mother-in-law. The description of her mother-in-law’s opinionated and critical nature triggered memories of my own childhood. I know firsthand how damaging this behavior can be.

I grew up with a very domineering grandmother (on my paternal side) who was very invasive in our family life. My mother was constantly criticized and undermined by her mother-in-law. Even though my father loved my mother, he was cowardly and he virtually abandoned my mother by never standing up for her. As the children in my family observed this dynamic, they eventually imitated my disrespectful grandmother. They too joined the critical choir. Over the years this damaging dynamic chipped away at my mother’s self-esteem until she was a shadow of her former self.

My understanding of an observant/traditional lifestyle is that a Jewish home is a woman’s sacred realm or area of authority. As the writer described her meddling mother-in-law to you, I thought of my own mother who was denied the experience of a sacred realm by the constant verbal attacks and violations of physical space by her mother-in-law. This was also underscored for me when you described the writer’s husband’s lack of understanding and support. It does not seem fair. He rendered her emotionally invisible by both ignoring her pain and then expecting her to behave like he does. Traditionally, isn’t a husband supposed to cleave to his wife, not his mother? In my experience, my mother could not successfully set boundaries or attempt to reason with either her husband or his mother. Nobody took her seriously. Her opinions and feelings did not matter.

By today’s standards, I would say that my mother was emotionally abused. My mother eventually did suffer from a nervous breakdown. Eventually, when she was hospitalized and refused to return home, her husband began to take her seriously and was willing to go for therapy to learn how to support his wife and stand up to his mother.

Why should a woman wait to get to the point that she ends up on antidepressants, in divorce court or even tries suicide?

Can you please advise what a woman like my mother should do if she feels unable to stand up for herself?

With much appreciation,
In Pain

Dear In Pain,

I really appreciate your perspective on my recent article. Your mother’s mistreatment and the effect that your grandmother’s behavior had on your mother’s self-esteem is heartbreaking. It sounds like your mother went through a tremendous ordeal. It is very understandable that this has left a lasting impact on you. Thank you for sharing your experience to shed light on the debilitating and long-term effects of your grandmother’s harmful behavior.

Based on your description, it sounds like your grandmother’s interference in your family’s life was more than meddling and annoying. As you said, you could consider it emotionally abusive. Your grandmother had a terrible effect on your mother. From your description, it sounds like her caustic behavior might have been a long-term issue, preceding your parents’ marriage. Your grandmother seems to have dominated your father as he was growing up to the point that he felt unable to assert himself and stand up to her. He seems to have been a victim who developed learned helplessness. That means that after repeated attempts to assert his own opinions and needs failed, he learned not to bother trying anymore. After your parents married, this dynamic was unfortunately transferred over to your mother. Your mother felt unable to stand up to your grandmother on her own and she sought the alliance and support of your father. Yet, since he felt incapable of asserting himself, he allowed your grandmother to treat your mother in the same way.

In this dynamic, your mother did not have the ability to change the situation on her own. She was trapped in a long-standing pattern of your grandmother controlling your father. Her influence over your father was so powerful that your mother was unable to motivate your father to support her. In this case, it was exceedingly difficult for your mother to face these challenges on her own.

When a woman, such as your mother, feels that she is alone and “cannot successfully set boundaries or attempt to reason with either her husband or his mother,” she should seek professional help. As you described, inaction in the face of pervasive negative behavior can have damaging effects not only on the wife, but on the whole family, including the children.

This applies to both men and women suffering from any kind of abuse. Sometimes it is the husband who is subjected to abuse from his spouse or from a parent. No person should ever be subjected to any kind of abuse, including emotional abuse. Unfortunately, sometimes people feel that they must suffer in silence. Some people believe that silently accepting abusive behavior is the way to be a good spouse. A person may also not have hope that s/he can change the situation.

That is why it is important to raise awareness of these issues and to encourage people to seek the help that they deserve.

It is essential for a person to develop the mindset, tools and support system to manage a difficult person. In many cases, it is almost impossible to do it alone. It might be best to enlist the help of a therapist, or multiple therapists, to work with one or more of the people involved. In this case, it sounds like your mother could have benefited from the support of a therapist to learn how to communicate assertively with both your father and his mother, to set clear and firm boundaries, and to strengthen her own sense of self to counteract the criticism and abuse by her mother-in-law.

She also needed guidance to find a way to motivate your father to validate her feelings and support her positions. Unfortunately, it took a dramatic episode of her having a nervous breakdown for her to get the therapy she needed and to convince her husband to go for therapy as well.

In addition, it sounds like the children could have benefited from therapy to learn how to navigate their own caustic family environment. I would like to add that for you specifically, it would be helpful for you to explore your upbringing with a therapist. If you are noticing any effects on your life now, it might be rewarding to begin a course of therapy to explore that more.

In general, if you or someone you know feels that they are experiencing emotional abuse, it is important to contact a therapist for support. A therapist can benefit by listening to your personal experience and guiding you through a process of healing and growth. You can develop coping strategies, learn how to set personal boundaries and build your self-esteem.

In addition, as a neutral third party, a therapist can help a couple to explore underlying issues, understand each other’s perspectives, improve communication, and work on strategies to handle external stressors like an abusive mother-in-law. This can include setting boundaries as a united front and encouraging the husband in his role to support his wife.

It is important for everyone involved to recognize the harm being done and to commit to making positive improvements. Remember, it is never too late to seek help and make changes for the better.

Wishing you much success,
Chani

Would you like to achieve maximum personal growth and happiness? Sign up for my “Be Your Best Self” newsletter at chanimaybruch.com! Take two minutes each Tuesday to get research-based inspiration and questions to explore. Be empowered to Be Your Best Self!

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.