Dear Dr. Chani,
People say that the first year of marriage can be an emotional roller coaster, but I think that my situation is unusually difficult. A few months ago, towards the end of our first year, I found out that my husband has been watching inappropriate videos online. There was nothing that could have prepared me for the shock of this revelation.
In all other ways, my husband is a great guy. He is warm and caring. We get along really well. He is smart, talented, and very religious. In fact, he has taken off a few years to learn full-time before starting graduate school. So when I found out what he has been doing behind closed doors, I panicked. This is something that I would not expect from a person like my husband.
To his credit, he did not deny anything. I found out about it because I came into our room when he was in the middle of watching one. He didn’t try to hide it from me at that point. It may be that he even wanted me to find out. I asked him how long he has been watching these videos and he told me, “since high school.”
Unfortunately, I cannot say that I had the best reaction. I was disgusted, angry and hurt. I felt humiliated and taken for granted. It might not make any sense, but that is how I felt. I told him that I was really upset and needed space to figure things out for myself. Since then, I am civil toward him but emotionally distant. He told me that he is willing to go for therapy, but he has not taken any steps in that direction.
The most critical issue I have at this point is that I do not trust my husband anymore. I feel that, since I would never have married him had I known about this, I married him on a false pretense. Yet I loved him before I found this out and would have been content if this were not an issue. I am really confused about our relationship and what to do next. Since the issue is something very private and I don’t want anyone to find out, I have no one to speak to.
Should I rethink my decision to marry him? Should I try to get him to change and stop this behavior? Is it even realistic for him to stop? I know I don’t want to be married to someone who does this. Please help me figure out what to do. I am drowning in tears.
Sincerely,
Drowning
Dear Drowning,
The challenge you are enduring is so difficult, especially because you are struggling with this all alone. You feel embarrassed to share this issue with your friends and family, so you are trying to find your way through this independently. Your shame associated with people finding out is significant. It compounds the distance you feel between you and your husband and makes you feel alienated from other people as well.
There are so many aspects to your situation, and the approach that works best for you depends on the unique details of your circumstance. This is one reason you can benefit from getting support and guidance from a professional. Here are some points to consider as you sort through your feelings and plan your next steps.
You mention that when you found your husband viewing inappropriate videos alone in your room, you “felt humiliated and taken for granted.” You might be asking yourself why you would feel that way since one could say that what your husband watches online is his own private business. Yet, it makes sense that you feel what he is watching affects you. Research among the general American population found that women tend to have a negative reaction when their husbands watch inappropriate content online alone. This is especially true when the couple is religiously committed because viewing such content engenders deep shame.
One way to explain this reaction is that a wife may feel that such behavior is tantamount to virtual infidelity. She may feel it is as if her husband is virtually involved with another woman. This leaves her feeling ashamed and betrayed.
Another reason a wife may feel humiliated is that a husband often turns to inappropriate content for comfort and escape. Even if the content does not seem to her like virtual infidelity, a wife may sense that her husband is turning to these videos to deal with his issues instead of turning towards her for support. This can make her feel like there is a third member in the relationship.
When you became aware that your husband has a “private relationship” with online content, it affected the way you related to him. The way your husband’s behavior impacts your behavior towards him is beautifully expressed by Shlomo Hamelech (Mishlei 27:19), “Just like when one looks into the water a face reflects a face, so too, is the heart of one person to another person.” Social psychologists call this “social mirroring.” When a wife feels that her husband is turning to inappropriate content for comfort to deal with his issues, she senses his distancing himself from her and she feels disconnected from him. This may be why you have felt emotionally withdrawn from your husband since you discovered his behavior.
Another way your husband’s behavior may be affecting you is that you may feel a diminished sense of self. When your husband is involved with something that contradicts your values and your perception of his values, it can cause a drop in your own self-esteem. Social psychologists explain that “true self-esteem” comes from an awareness of one’s values and living according to those values. So when a wife finds out that her “other half” is involved in an activity that contradicts her values, this can reduce her self-esteem.
Above all, you feel shaken by a lack of trust in your husband. This is a direct result of him keeping this a secret from you until now. Even though he is open about it at this point, you may be asking yourself: Do I really know my husband? Can I trust him in other matters? It is very difficult to deal with a breakdown of trust in a marriage, especially when your relationship is still new and fragile.
So what can you do to move forward? You may be able to share your feelings with your husband and work together to get through this challenge. It is important for you to bridge the communication gap and try to understand each other.
If you are both willing to go for therapy, go for couple’s therapy and individual therapy for each of you, preferably with a professional who has expertise in this area. Even if you are comfortable speaking with your husband about what you are going through, there are some emotions that you may hesitate to share with him because they are likely to have a negative impact on his self-esteem (which could exacerbate his online activity). It is important for you to have a person to speak with to process your feelings of shock, disappointment and loss of trust. Similarly, it is healthy for your husband to have his own therapist to confide in and guide him through this challenge.
You ask several poignant questions at the end of your letter, all of which hinge on the likelihood of your husband stopping his behavior. The answer to this question depends primarily on the way he navigates this problem. You cannot control your husband’s behavior. He has to want to change.
Hopefully, your husband will want to stop this behavior and will be receptive to your support to help him through the process. Your empathy and your ability to stay connected to him despite your negative reactions will undoubtedly be a critical comfort to him and a motivation to succeed. I hope that you soon reach the light at the end of this tunnel.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach, specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, and teaches online courses to help you create your ideal relationship. Get free relationship resources and contact her at www.chanimaybruch.com.
