Dear Dr. Chani,

My wife and I have been struggling with how to celebrate Chanukah with our children. The usual custom in our community is to give a present to each child every night of Chanukah. This year, I suggested to my wife that we try something different. My feeling comes from a general disappointment with the entitlement of our generation.

My parents raised me to work hard and to recognize that nothing that is worth having comes without effort. I have worked long hours at school and at work to get to the level of income I enjoy today. We live in a comfortable house, have nice cars and can buy whatever we want. I am thankful to Hashem that I have a job that enables me to support my family well.

Yet it really bothers me to see how nothing that we have is ever enough. Even when we have the latest technological devices, clothing or vacations, there is always someone who has something newer or better. There is always an expectation that we will buy the next best thing that is around the corner.

My wife does not see my point of view. She cares about fitting in and following the latest fashion trends. When I talk to her about my concern that our children are getting spoiled, she thinks that I am overreacting. She prefers to “go with the flow” and do whatever everyone else is doing.

I suggested that this year we buy one nice gift for each child for the first night of Chanukah and that we focus on creating quality family experiences on the other nights. I wanted to play family games or do activities together. We could make latkes, bake cookies or go ice skating together. The details were not as important as the fact that we would do it together.

My wife told me that she is happy to plan more family activities but as for the gifts, she fears that our children would feel deprived if they did not get what everyone else had. She told me that I am not “living in this generation” and she worries about our children feeling different. I tried to explain to my wife that our children would be happier if we taught them to appreciate what they have and not to care about what everyone else has. She admitted that she understood my point but that it is unrealistic.

My top priority is to have a happy marriage. I do not want to create friction between me and my wife over this. Should I listen to my wife’s concerns and forget about my own ideals?

Thanks for your advice in advance,

Simcha

Dear Simcha,

Your sensitivity to your wife’s feelings and your concerns about your children’s personal development are both admirable. As a husband and father, you want to do what is best for your family. You have a feeling this means giving them what they want. Yet you recognize that sometimes doing what is best for them is not giving them what they want.

Your reasoning makes a lot of sense. For example, most people would agree that if your children only wanted to drink ice coffee and eat pizza and donuts, you would not be doing what is best for them by feeding them such an unhealthy diet. Even though in the short term your children might wrinkle their nose at eating fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods, you need to mold their desires and not simply give in to them.

The same can be true with teaching your children values and morals. You can sometimes give their opinions weight, but you can teach them the approach you would like them to have, even if it means denying them things. You are speaking from your own life experience and you would like to teach your kids that they do not always need “more” and that they can value family time.

It sounds like your wife is not entirely opposed to your point of view, but she is concerned about the negative impact it might have based on your socioeconomic culture. It is probable that this disagreement between you and your wife is not just about Chanukah. It may be coming to a head now, but it reflects two different approaches that you and your wife have toward materialism and satisfying your kids’ wants.

The most important aspect of dealing with two different approaches, whether to materialism in general, or to Chanukah in particular, is that you and your wife decide on an approach to take and move forward together. You do not need to personally see eye to eye on the principles you are discussing, but you do need to agree to a way of dealing with this issue and deciding what to do as a team.

Kids are very attuned to the way their parents act toward each other. If they notice that there are disagreements between you about how to navigate Chanukah, or materialism altogether, it will cause them to feel unsettled and your good intentions will backfire. This can affect their happiness as children and can also block their acceptance of the very lessons that you are trying to teach them.

How do you and your wife create a united front in this matter when you disagree on the approach to take? The way to come to terms with an important issue in your relationship is to take a step back and think about where your values come from and explain that to each other. Instead of both of you reiterating your current positions, focus instead on describing your past experiences that helped you come to your conclusions. Calmly explain some of the influences and experiences that helped nudge you toward the approach that you have.

As each of you does that, the other one should listen intently and hear what the speaker is saying. As you discuss it in this way, you might discover that your values are very similar but that there are experiences you each have had that made you draw different conclusions about how to navigate materialism. Or, you might find that you have fundamental differences about your beliefs. Either way, the path to moving forward can integrate both of your approaches if you explain to each other where your thoughts are coming from.

Another point to consider is that children most likely follow what you do, more than what you say. Your actions and words model for your children how to think, feel and act. Consequently, it is important to reflect on your own behaviors. What feelings do you share with your family about keeping up with your community materially? Do you buy the latest technological devices or brand name clothing? Are you happy for other people when they get new things, even if they are better than yours? How do you model appreciating what you have?

When it comes to emphasizing family time, do you regularly set aside time to speak to or play with your children? Do you look your child in the eye when she is speaking with you? When your phone pings or rings when you are with your family, do you distract yourself with it or do you turn it on silent?

Your goal of teaching your children to not feel entitled can only be achieved over time, through many little moments. Changing how you celebrate Chanukah is a one time event, which is a start. Yet Chanukah customs are not enough to alter their mindset or behavior. Whether or not you and your wife celebrate Chanukah differently this year, there are a myriad of opportunities throughout the year for you to model your values for your family.

Hopefully, you and your wife will continue to have conversations about how to educate your children with the values of appreciating what they have, expecting to work for what they want, and valuing family time. Considering this as a long-term goal can help you to take advantage of the many moments in your lives when you have an opportunity to model this perspective for your family so that they will naturally absorb the values you hold dear.

Wishing you a Happy Chanukah,

Chani

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, and teaches online courses to help you create your ideal relationship. Get free relationship resources and contact her at www.chanimaybruch.com.