Dear Dr. Chani,
As Purim approaches, my wife and I have been discussing our plans for Purim night. I was really looking forward to getting together with my friends who are having a boys’ party. I figured that my wife would not mind since we have a 10-month-old baby who needs to go to sleep, so my wife would have to stay home regardless of what I do. Surprisingly, my wife said that she feels really upset that I am leaving her on Purim night to go and hang out with my friends.
I understand that my wife enjoys having me at home. I usually try to spend my free time with her. Ever since we married about two years ago, I have not gone out with my friends on Thursday nights and have missed many of their parties. But this is a one-time-a-year opportunity to really have fun with the boys. I had hoped that she would understand.
It’s not like my wife has no social life of her own. She is very popular and has lots of friends. She does not have much time to get together with them—between a full-time job and “mommying.” But she calls them frequently and sometimes she goes out with them at night. I would have thought that she would be happy for me and encourage me to get together with my friends.
I think that my wife is being unreasonable, but I don’t want to upset her. Do you think I should try to explain to her where I am coming from, or is that going to make matters worse? Should I just give up my plans and stay home with her? I feel I am going to end up being frustrated and resentful.
I would love to hear your advice on this. What should I do to make my wife understand me? How can we both have an enjoyable Purim?
Thanks in advance,
Mordy
Dear Mordy,
It is wonderful to see how attuned you are to your wife’s feelings. Your commitment to finding a way for both of you to enjoy Purim is the first step to accomplishing your goals. At the same, I can understand why you are struggling with this decision. It makes sense that you are not willing to simply give up spending Purim night with your friends.
Your desire to spend Purim with your friends is valid. In general, it is important for you to have opportunities to share time with your friends. Your friendships are an added dimension to your identity—beyond being a spouse or a parent. You describe how you have already made lots of sacrifices to strengthen your relationship with your wife, such as skipping weekly meet-ups with your friends and other social events. Your wanting to take advantage of this once-a-year opportunity is understandable. If you end up staying home and suppressing your own desires without communicating them, it might take a toll on your relationship in the long run.
Let’s explore how you can communicate with your wife to resolve this issue. Before you open a conversation, take the time to understand your wife’s perspective even more. Try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Based on your description, it sounds like your wife works very hard, juggling her job and taking care of your baby. Her schedule leaves little time for socializing and relaxation. While she does connect with her friends through calls and occasional outings, she may still feel that her emotional and social needs are still not being met.
It sounds like she was hoping Purim night could be a rare chance for the two of you to enjoy each other’s company. Purim is a happy time, a meaningful holiday that is enriched by sharing it together with family and friends. It is possible that your wife envisioned Purim as an opportunity for your family to bond, especially as new parents. This doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants to hold you back from having fun with your friends—she may just want to connect with you and not be left alone.
After you have explored the situation from your wife’s perspective, find time to talk to her about this dilemma. Timing matters. Choose a time to talk that is calm and relaxed, so that neither of you will be preoccupied or stressed. Avoid having this conversation when anyone’s emotions are running high, as this may lead to defensiveness or misunderstandings.
Start by empathizing with your wife. Let her know that you can understand why Purim night is important to her and that you care about her feelings. You might say something like, “I can understand why you are disappointed about me going with my friends on Purim. I know it’s an exciting and happy time, and it sounds like you’d like us to share it together.”
Once you’ve acknowledged her feelings, gently explain your perspective. Share with her why it is important to you to be with your friends on Purim. You might describe your previous experiences with friends on Purim and how it really enhanced your Yom Tov. Explain to your wife how it will positively impact your Purim to be at this party.
After you have expressed your point of view, ask your wife to work with you to brainstorm ideas for how to celebrate Purim in a way that will meet both of your needs. For example, you could suggest spending part of Purim night together as a family before heading to the party, or you could offer to help her arrange a Purim gathering for her to enjoy with her friends or family. This approach demonstrates that you’re prioritizing your relationship while balancing your need for relationships with your friends.
During the conversation, encourage your wife to share her thoughts, feelings and suggestions. Truly listening to her will make her feel heard and valued, which can help diffuse tension. Being willing to go back and forth in exploring solutions can create a foundation for a creative solution or a compromise. Your wife might even adjust to being home alone on Purim, comforted by the knowledge of how concerned you are about her feelings and how much you would like her to be happy.
Navigating this situation together is an opportunity to strengthen your bond as a couple. By approaching the conversation with empathy, honesty, and a willingness to work together, you can deepen your understanding of each other’s needs and find a path forward that enhances your relationship.
Additionally, consider how this situation may shed light on an ongoing issue for you to work on. Make it a habit to regularly check in with each other about your emotional, social and personal needs. See if you can find more opportunities to go out and share special time as a couple, as well as have outings with your own friends. This ongoing dialogue can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that you both feel supported and fulfilled.
Ultimately, the goal is to create a Purim experience that brings joy to both of you. Whether that involves spending the evening together, carving out time for separate social activities, or finding a mix of both, the most important thing is to approach your situation with love, respect and a willingness to compromise. Remember, a successful marriage isn’t about avoiding conflicts—it’s about navigating them with care and a commitment to each other’s happiness.
By taking the time to communicate openly and compassionately, you can turn this Purim challenge into an opportunity for growth, connection and mutual understanding. Whatever plan you decide on, may it bring you both feelings of joy and closeness.
Wishing you a very happy Purim!
Chani
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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
