Dear Dr. Chani,
I am feeling confused and upset and I am not sure where to turn. My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. We have several children and have a great relationship overall. My wife and I are usually very open with each other. We share our feelings and thoughts and constantly try to grow and improve our relationship.
A year ago, our youngest child got married. My wife kept telling me that she was dreading that she might experience empty-nest syndrome. We read up about it and asked friends and family members how they had dealt with it. As we talked a lot about it, we strengthened each other.
Despite all our preparations, I feel like I was hit by a bombshell. Suddenly, several weeks after the wedding, my wife became a different person. She started having outbreaks of rage toward me over seemingly insignificant things. She also started having bouts of crying in the middle of the day. One time, my wife called me at my office and asked me to come home early from work to be with her.
During moments of calm, I asked my wife what was going on. It was hard for her to understand it herself. She began to speak to a therapist on a regular basis. What happened next made me go cold. After several meetings with the therapist, it turns out that my wife slowly started uncovering memories of childhood abuse. At first, my wife did not even tell me. Then, she slowly began unraveling some of what happened and let me in. I felt happy that she was confiding in me but confused about our relationship.
I thought that my wife and I have such a good, open and honest relationship. Why did my wife wait so long to tell me about it? Also, why does my wife have such rage against me? What did I do? I know that I should be focusing on my wife, but I feel betrayed. How could my wife keep this secret from me for so long? And even if she felt uncomfortable about telling me, why did she not seek help sooner? I am very upset.
After I found out about my wife’s history, I reflected back over some issues we struggled with through our years together. Sometimes my wife would get triggered about little things and I did not understand why she made a big deal out of them. Knowing about her history would have helped me to understand her better and help her to heal sooner. This would have made our lives much smoother. I am upset for her, but I am also upset at her.
I cannot tell this to my wife. She is going through enough as it is. I have spoken to her therapist, who has explained some of what has been going on for my wife and why I should not be upset. I understand it, but I am still hurt and bewildered. Can you help me understand more of what is going on so that I can feel better about this and be able to help my wife?
Sincerely,
Disheartened
Dear Disheartened,
I cannot even imagine the range of emotions you and your wife are experiencing after the atomic bomb that you both discovered. Everything you are saying makes a lot of sense. You are wondering why your wife did not disclose this to you sooner. It makes you doubt the closeness that you thought you shared. It is understandable that you are feeling both confused and angry.
It can be helpful to recognize that it is not uncommon for abuse to remain buried for years. One of the reasons that your wife may not have revealed this to you is because a victim often feels that they need to keep the abuse a secret. Abusers tend to threaten their victims with repercussions if they tell anyone. This makes the victim feel the need to keep the abuse a secret. Once the victim becomes accustomed to keeping it a secret, it becomes the new norm and persists, even when the threat of telling may have disappeared.
Secondly, a major aspect of abuse is that it may evoke feelings of shame, guilt and emotional pain that are difficult for a person to express. These feelings can be so difficult that a survivor cannot find the words to talk about it. It is common for feelings of shame to be accompanied and exacerbated by feelings of worthlessness, incompetence and helplessness. These accompanying emotions can make a survivor feel that it is pointless to talk about it, because if she does, it will not accomplish anything anyway.
Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, many survivors are unaware that they were abused. Although what happened to them was real, their mind protects them by forgetting the events, thoughts and feelings around it. In order for them to function in life, their brain unknowingly takes their pain and pushes it back into the far recesses of their mind that are not readily accessible. Therefore, even though they are survivors, they are unable to talk about what they went through.
It is common for a life event like a change in family size, employment or location to stir up the trauma and trigger some emotions or thoughts that are related to the abuse. For other people, when a person experiences life as day-to-day doldrums that are boring and unchanging, that can be the trigger that awakens the memories of abuse. It is regular for the events of abuse to only rear their head after 20 or 30 years of being forgotten. Sometimes this is related to a triggering event and sometimes it is a function of maturity. There are no rules, but it is important to realize that memories of abuse might suddenly surface later on in life after they had not been spoken about for many decades.
When it comes to the feelings of anger that your wife is expressing toward you, it might sound surprising but they may be emanating from her anger toward the abuser. Survivors can unwittingly direct negative feelings toward someone who makes them feel safe. This might be because it is the first time they can express their hurt without being punished. Your wife’s behavior toward you may stem from her lack of clarity about where her feelings of hurt are coming from. It is important for her to sort through her emotions and figure out what is causing her to act angrily toward you.
It is understandable that you are reeling from the revelation of your wife’s trauma and her ensuing reactions. You want to support your wife through her recovery, while at the same time you are also indirectly suffering from the abuse. It can be difficult to remember that your wife’s anger is coming from another source and is not really directly at you. I encourage you to speak to your own therapist to help you deal with your own emotions about what happened. The therapist can also help you understand your wife’s reactions and guide you about how to best support your wife.
Another aspect to consider is that you may feel anger toward the perpetrator, whether or not you know who it is. This person has wreaked havoc on your wife’s emotional well-being and on yours by extension. This may be a source of the anger that you are feeling toward your wife. If so, you might speak to a therapist about how to redirect your anger toward the perpetrator rather than at each other.
I pray for you to reach the light at the end of this dark tunnel as you and your wife deal with the process of healing, surviving and, with God’s help, thriving.
Wishing you all the best,
Chani
Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
