Dear Penina,

I enjoy reading your column and I hope you can help me with my problem. I live close to my aging parents and I feel that most of the responsibilities are falling on me. How do I ask my younger sister who lives about 30 minutes away to help and how do I not feel resentful about having to ask her to help? I know she has younger kids and a busier home. However, I work full- time and commute. We both lead busy lives. I am left with a difficult decision to either ignore this issue and probably feel resentment or to discuss my feelings with her and possibly hurt our relationship. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Burdened Sister

Dear Burdened Sister,

I hear your question and the tough spot that you are in. There are a few different family dynamics at play. You only addressed the relationship between you and your sister, but each of your relationships with your parents are also relevant. Are you feeling overburdened because your parents are asking you and not her for help? Do they ever ask your sister for help?

I will focus specifically on your question and not the broader family dynamics. Should you avoid the issue or confront your sister? Neither option is comfortable for you. God willing, your parents should live for many years and that means they will continue to need help for a while. Therefore, I’m not sure if it’s realistic for you to ignore your feelings. However, you want to make sure that when you share your feelings you don’t hurt her feelings or your relationship. If you push off sharing, it can chip away at your relationship and make it much worse when you eventually share your feelings.

I have seen these types of issues hurt sibling relationships, which is exactly what you are trying to avoid. Yet when we touch someone’s raw spot there is potential for hurt and misunderstanding. Perhaps you can let her know that since you live close to your parents it’s starting to get difficult for you to help them as much as they need at this stage. You can try discussing with her their increasing needs and ask if she is willing to figure out together how to address these changes.

There are several ways that she might react. If she is confident in herself and her relationships within your family, there’s a better chance that you will get a positive response. If she has any negative feelings toward you or your relationship with your parents, she may not respond as well.

If you speak to her from a vulnerable, noncritical, nonjudgmental place of understanding your sister’s limitations, the conversation has a better chance of success. It’s great that you are trying to plan for success regarding this situation, since these issues unfortunately often create conflict within families. I can tell that you care about having good relationships and therefore, I have confidence in your ability to conduct this conversation, which can lead to you feeling better and more connected to your sister as you face this challenge together. I hope these ideas and strategies are helpful.

Penina

Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at [email protected].