One of the primary themes of Chanukah is pirsumei nisa, publicizing the great miracles of Hashem that took place on Chanukah. By lighting the menorah for all to see and reciting Hallel in shul, we publicly express gratitude and praise to Hashem for everything He has done for us. The kiddush Hashem, sanctification of God, created by the menorah is so important that if a poor person can only afford either a cup of wine for Shabbos Kiddush or a candle for Chanukah, the halacha is that he should buy the candle for the menorah and forgo the wine for Kiddush.
As important as the Chanukah lights are, the Gemara teaches us that the Jewish people have an even greater mitzvah of “lights.” In Shabbos 23b, Rava tells us the Shabbos lights are greater than the menorah lights because the lights of Shabbos “bring shalom into the home.” Our sages viewed shalom bayis as a preeminent value to be pursued, and that the light of the Shabbos candles is an integral factor in creating an atmosphere in the home where the whole family can experience a sense of shalom with each other.
By taking a closer look at how Shabbos candles foster shalom bayis, we can discover an invaluable interpersonal dynamic at the heart of all loving relationships. In his commentary (Olat Reiyah) on the siddur, Rav Avraham Yitzchak Kook explains that the Shabbos-candle light in conjunction with the kedusha of Shabbos fosters deeper emotional connections within the family. By withdrawing from the mundane pressures of the weekdays and embracing the peace and tranquility of Shabbos, people have the freedom to focus on their emotions and to consider the feelings they have for the people they care about the most.
To achieve meaningful connection, there has to be light in the house so that people can truly see each other. When one spouse sees and senses the “love and friendly countenance,” ahavah v’hasvaras panim, being projected by the other, reciprocal feelings of love and connection come freely and naturally. Without enough light, families would be sitting in darkness, unable to see, identify, and respond to the efforts being made by family members—leaving them at great risk of growing apart instead of coming closer. Although our homes are very well illuminated with many light fixtures, the Shabbos candles serve as a reminder for the heartfelt manner with which we should relate to our loved ones.
One of main complaints I hear from unhappy couples is a lack of connection. They can live together, share a family together, and have Shabbos and Yom Tov meals together, but they remain feeling disconnected. Many times this came about by each spouse not paying attention to the type of interactions that cultivate emotional connection. Spouses are very busy fulfilling their respective professional, personal and familial responsibilities. They can even plan and coordinate all this together, but still be missing the actions that create emotional connection.
Rav Kook identified a fundamental piece for this connection when he wrote about relating to the family with “love and friendly countenance.” This, I believe, refers to the way people look at each other and the tone with which they speak. Closeness is communicated by the positive gestures taking place between spouses, such as eye contact, facial expressions, showing interest, being supportive, and feeling empathy. Renowned marital therapist Dr. John Gottman captures many of these interactions in what he calls acts of “turning towards” the other person. Throughout the day there are dozens of interactions between spouses that are initiated by one spouse and are responded to by the other. Each time that there is a positive response, an emotional connection is achieved.
Many couples begin their relationship with positive engagement, but for various reasons lose that engagement with the passage of time. Once lost, couples grow increasingly more distant and find it more difficult to respond to each other in positive ways. In our hectic and constantly engaged lives, it is easy to be ungrateful for, or simply not recognize, the numerous efforts by our spouses to engage us. Instead of turning ourselves toward them, we turn away and leave them hurt and disappointed. A peaceful and illuminated Shabbos house provides countless and invaluable opportunities to pay meaningful attention to our spouses and children. If we show “love and friendly countenance” by turning our hearts and minds to listen and focus on them, we will have infused our relationships with the emotional connection it needs in order to thrive.
Rabbi Avrohom Herman is the rabbi of the JEC Elmora Ave Shul in Elizabeth. He is also an LCSW in private practice specializing in marital and premarital couples therapy, anxiety and OCD disorders. He can be reached by email at [email protected] or at 908-220-7317.
