An ideal paradigm for the “trust” one should have in a relationship is best imagined as a newborn in the arms of a nursing mother or caretaker. The look reflected on that infant’s face, the hold his eyes have on those who care for him, is one of pure, innocent, and unconditional trust. Yet, as part of the parenting and socialization process, all responsible caretakers begin to caution their children under their charge regarding hazards of unconditional trust.
Shades of skepticism cloud the purity of that initial trust as life’s circumstances and parenting and socialization that the child is exposed to hold sway. While cautionary measures associated with trust are necessary elements in protecting the children we love and care about, we can also understand the necessity of sustaining a balance between trust and doubt. This balance is necessary to prepare our children for participating in healthy relationships; it goes a long way in helping them cope with the disappointments they may encounter in future interactions with friends, teachers, and all the relationships they will make that are rooted in trust.
In last week’s parsha, Parshat Shoftim, the Torah reveals an interesting barrier most of us experience in developing a healthy balance between “trust” and what I like to call “healthy skepticism.” In the segment discussing “civil law,” the Torah teaches us the extent to which we are obligated to trust in the rulings of our shoftim (judges). The Torah mandates: “…And you shall be careful to do according to everything that they [the judges] will teach you and according to the judgment they will say to you, shall you do; you shall not turn from the word they tell you right or left.”
Rashi and the Sifri, commenting on the language of the text, suggest that it is our obligation to trust and abide by the decisions of the courts, even if their rulings defy logic; “even if they tell you left is right and right is left.” This interpretation raises the question regarding how the Torah could possibly command us to obey questionable leaders. While the above mandate appears to be “over the top” in the area of trust, I believe that on a deeper level the Torah here is offering us an important insight onto the level of trust we are meant to strive for in all of our relationships.
True. We live in a culture that places an unrealistic emphasis on perfection; and unfortunately, our own Orthodox Jewish community has bought into this skewed value system. While the search for perfection is glaring in the physical/material arena, it has also permeated our perception of trust, one of the critical elements in successful human relationships.
Yet Hashem did not create us in a perfect and complete state. Moreover, we are expected to grow spiritually all the days of our lives. Thus viewed, Hashem, despite His status of perfection, felt comfortable placing the Torah in the hands of less than perfect human beings to learn from, interpret, and apply. In a similar fashion, through the above mandate to trust our shoftim, the Torah is simply adhering to a truth which first appears in the original “God/mankind relationship paradigm. It is from these same p’sukim that we learn the importance of shifting our perspective from an emphasis on seeking perfection in ourselves and others to one of accepting the flaws and fallibilities of those we love and care about.
I truly believe that it was just because of our imperfections, just because we are created as incomplete beings, that we need the Torah to correct and elevate us, much as any child depends on sustenance from his parents. And it is for this very reason that Hashem handed over and trusted us with His perfect Torah, our sustenance.
Viewed from this perspective, we can now reconcile the above mentioned ambiguities. As a start, we need to prioritize our goals and eliminate “perfection” as a goal for ourselves and for those we love and care about. We need to trust in Hashem and realize that while we may feel incomplete, imperfect, and undone, Hashem smiles down on our incompleteness because that is exactly the way he envisioned us when he created Adom and Chavah. He deliberately intended us to be incomplete and imperfect and to partner with Him in growing in our unique ways. He trusts that we will make the right decisions, forgives us our mistakes, and gives us room to correct and learn from them when necessary.
As we enter this period of introspection and teshuvah, let us make it our goal to work on developing this important trait of “trust” in all of our relationships. Let us emulate Hashem’s trust and acceptance of imperfection as we interact with our spouses, children, friends, and all the important people who come our way. Let us prioritize trust, acceptance, and forgiveness over perfection in all of our relationships. Let us be ever mindful of the lessons in the Torah that trust is far more important than perfection. And let us try to view our loved ones through this positive lens by crossing that bridge and entering into their world view. As our trust grows we will see that sometimes, perhaps even most of the time, that that which appeared imperfect and illogical from our side is absolute perfection when viewed from the side of the “other.”
Renee Nussbaum, is a practicing Psychoanalyst, with special training in Imago Relational Therapy. She can be reached at: doctorrenee nussbaum @gmail.com
By Renee Nussbaum, Ph.D., PsyA
