Nowadays, when parents need advice, they don’t just turn to parenting books—they turn to social media. In fact, 80% of parents report using social media for guidance on raising their kids. While there’s plenty of great advice online, not all of it is backed by science. Without access to evidence-based parenting approaches, parents can easily fall into the trap of following trends that sound appealing but don’t always hold up in real life. With so-called “expert” advice just a scroll away and modern parenting feeling more challenging than ever, it’s no wonder parents are seeking answers online. But the real question is: Are they getting the right ones?

As a clinical psychologist specializing in evidence-based treatment for children, adolescents, parents and families—and as a mom myself—I understand both the joys and struggles of raising kind, confident and well-adjusted kids. In this article, I’ll break down the popular Instagram trend of gentle parenting, how it compares to authoritative parenting, and what really helps kids thrive, with the aim of assisting parents to feel more confident in their approach.

The Science of Parenting: What Actually Works?

With parenting advice so easily accessible, it can be difficult to distinguish evidence-based strategies from passing trends. Research has consistently shown that authoritative parenting is the gold standard parenting approach. Supported by decades of studies, this method balances firm boundaries with emotional warmth, fostering confidence, self-regulation and problem-solving skills in children. Unlike authoritarian parenting, which prioritizes strict control, or permissive parenting, which lacks structure, authoritative parenting sets clear expectations while nurturing independence. Children raised with this approach tend to thrive emotionally, socially and academically, making it one of the most effective ways to support healthy development.

On the other hand, gentle parenting, as presented on social media, focuses on mutual respect, empathy and emotional connection. This method encourages guiding behavior through communication rather than using rewards or consequences. Instead of managing behavior with punishments or incentives, gentle parenting emphasizes collaboration, modeling emotional regulation and building a secure parent-child relationship.

Gentle parenting has taken social media by storm, with influencers like Dr. Becky and Big Little Feelings advocating for its benefits. It’s often portrayed as a calm, cooperative approach that yields desired behaviors without conflict. However, despite its popularity, gentle parenting lacks a strong evidence base. While there are very few studies on the effectiveness of gentle parenting, authoritative parenting has been validated by over 400 studies demonstrating its positive impact on children’s development. This raises an important question: Why is gentle parenting so popular?

It’s no surprise that gentle parenting has taken over social media. In a world where mental health and emotional intelligence are finally getting the attention they deserve, parents are eager for an approach that prioritizes connection over control. Gentle parenting offers just that—a break from the authoritarian styles many grew up with, replacing punishment with patience and fear with understanding. It’s also tailor-made for the digital age, where soothing, aesthetically pleasing videos of parents calmly reasoning with toddlers rack up millions of views. Social media has become a space where parents seek reassurance, share struggles and challenge outdated discipline methods. And as viral debates pit gentle parenting against traditional, stricter approaches, one thing is clear: this isn’t just a trend—it’s a movement redefining what it means to raise the next generation. But does it actually work in practice, or is it just another idealized version of parenting that looks better online than in real life?

Effectiveness of Parenting Approaches

Both gentle and authoritative parenting emphasize warmth and positive discipline. While gentle parenting may be linked to secure attachment and emotional intelligence, critics warn that unclear boundaries and consequences can lead to permissiveness. In contrast, decades of research on authoritative parenting consistently link it to higher achievement, better emotional regulation, and higher life success over time. Although gentle parenting is widely praised, the claim that it works as well as authoritative parenting is premature, as there is not enough long-term research supporting its effectiveness. Authoritative parenting’s structured balance of warmth and discipline has strong empirical backing, which raises the question of whether gentle parenting can truly match authoritative parenting’s proven success. Likewise, parents should question whether gentle parenting risks prioritizing emotional validation over necessary structure.

Gentle vs. Authoritative Parenting in Action

To illustrate the key differences between these two parenting styles, let’s consider a common scenario:

A 6-year-old boy is playing with his Lego in his room when his 4-year-old sister enters and starts touching his toys. Frustrated, he shouts, “Stop! You’re going to break it!” and pushes her down. She bursts into tears as their mother rushes in.

How a Gentle Parent Might Respond

1. Stay calm and regulate emotions. The mother first ensures she is calm before addressing the behavior.
2. Validate emotions. She acknowledges her son’s feelings: “I see you’re really upset. Were you feeling frustrated by your sister’s action?”
3. Set a gentle boundary. “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts.”
4. Teach alternatives. “If you’re angry, you can take deep breaths or use words instead.”
5. Encourage repair. She guides him to check on his sister and make amends in his own way.

This approach focuses on emotional regulation, empathy and guiding behavior through understanding rather than consequences.

How an Authoritative Parent Might Respond

1. Stay calm but firm. The mother acknowledges his emotions while reinforcing a clear rule: “I know you’re upset, but hitting is never okay.”
2. Enforce a consequence. “Because you hurt your sister, I’m putting your Lego away for the rest of the night.”
3. Validate while holding firm. “I know it’s hard to lose your Lego, but we do not hit.”
4. Ignore tantrums. If the child reacts negatively, she walks away and ignores the outburst.
5. Teach problem-solving. Once calm, she discusses alternatives: “How could you handle this situation differently next time?”
6. Encourage amends. “Your sister is hurt—how can you help her feel better?”

Both approaches aim to foster emotional intelligence and repair relationships, but the key difference lies in balance. Gentle parenting prioritizes emotional validation and coaching, while authoritative parenting integrates warmth with firm boundaries and consequences. Gentle parenting focuses more on internal regulation, while authoritative parenting reinforces external accountability alongside emotional support with the goal of reducing the likelihood that the hitting behavior will occur again.

The Role of Emotion Regulation in Parenting

Is there a place for modeling and discussing emotional regulation? Absolutely! Parents play a key role in teaching kids how to manage emotions by demonstrating healthy emotional expression. When parents model deep breathing, stepping away to calm down, or even apologizing after losing their temper, they equip their children with valuable coping skills.

However, emotional regulation and consequences are not mutually exclusive. Parents can—and should—teach their children to regulate emotions while also setting firm limits and applying consequences when necessary. How else will they learn to follow the rules of society when they are angry or upset?

Evidence-Based Parenting Interventions

Several research-backed interventions, rooted in authoritative parenting, help parents balance discipline and emotional support effectively:

• Behavioral Parent Training (BPT): Teaches parents behavior management principles to strengthen parent-child relationships and establish clear, consistent limits.
• Parent Management Training (PMT): Focuses on reinforcement strategies to manage disruptive behaviors and improve child behavior.
• Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT): A hands-on approach where parents receive real-time coaching to reinforce positive behaviors and address negative ones.
• SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions): Helps parents create a calm, supportive environment for children with anxiety by modifying their own responses.

All these interventions emphasize parents as the agents of change, reinforcing the idea that adjusting parenting styles leads to meaningful improvements in child behavior. To find a good therapist, it is important to ask questions about the structure of therapy, how involved parents will be and what the specific approach is. Parents should be wary of child-focused therapy that excludes them from the process.

The Bottom Line:
What’s Best for Kids?

While social media is filled with well-intended parenting advice, not all of it is effective. Gentle parenting, with its focus on emotional connection, lacks strong evidence and may not be the best approach for managing challenging behaviors. Authoritative parenting, backed by decades of research, strikes the ideal balance between warmth and structure.

By combining firm boundaries with empathy and modeling emotional regulation, parents provide children with the tools they need to thrive—not just in childhood, but throughout their lives. Confidence in parenting comes from knowing what works, educating yourself on science-backed techniques, and sticking with approaches that truly help children grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.

Tali Wigod PsyD is a clinical psychologist specializing in CBT and DBT across the lifespan. Dr. Wigod recently published two papers in peer-reviewed journals on evidence-based treatments for parents and families. She has a private practice in Bergen County and she can be reached at [email protected] or visit her website at https://www.mp-psychology.com/.