“Oy l’rasha, v’oy l’shcheino,” “Woe is to a wicked person, and woe is to his neighbor.”
This famous comment is quoted by Rashi in our parsha as the Torah introduces Korach’s rebellion. Among those who joined in the rebellion against Moshe were Datan, Aviram and On ben Peles from the tribe of Reuven. Quoting the Midrash, Rashi suggests that a relationship between Korach and these individuals developed due to the proximity of their respective camps. Korach was a member of the Kehat family, which was stationed next to the Mishkan to the south. Stationed next to them were the tribes of Reuven, Shimon and Gad. Since Datan, Aviram and On were thus located near the camp of Korach, they became negatively influenced by him and joined his rebellion.
This Midrash thus deduces a critical lesson concerning the potential negative effect that a neighbor can have upon an individual. Yet, a basic question arises. Bnei Yisrael weren’t the ones who decided the setup of the nation’s encampment: The determination of each tribe’s location was made by God Himself! Isn’t God himself to blame, therefore, for the connection that developed between Korach and his followers? He was, after all, the one who set the camp up in that way!
Upon further consideration, however, the answer to this question seems simple. While Datan and Aviram did not choose to live physically next to Korach, they did choose to learn from him. The Torah lists thousands of men that were in each tribe, in addition to the women and children. Datan and Aviram could have been influenced by any of the thousands of other neighbors, members of their own tribe, the tribes of Shimon or Gad or other members of the Kehat family. And yet they made a conscious decision to be influenced primarily by Korach. Therefore the Midrash negatively associates Korach with those neighbors who chose to be his followers.
Ultimately, this Midrash teaches us a two-fold lesson. Firstly, the Midrash teaches us the importance of being conscious of with whom we surround ourselves. There are many points in our lives where we have the ability to choose whom we live near, or with whom we spend our time. During those times, the Midrash reminds us of the impact that our surroundings and environment can have. Associating with someone sinful or immoral will undoubtedly have a negative impact on us.
Secondly, the Midrash teaches us that there will be times when we may not have complete control over our surroundings. We can’t choose who moves into the house next door to us or who joins our community. Nevertheless, in those moments as well, we still have a choice. We can control whom we choose to learn from, ignore, befriend and admire. Those choices still belong to us.
This two-pronged message is a crucial one for raising children. First and foremost, we must realize that as parents, we must be thoughtful and careful about those individuals with whom we choose to surround our children; what communities we choose to live in, who our children play with, where we send them to school, where we send them to camp. All of these factors play a major role in shaping the experiences our children will have, and the types of ideas and values to which they will be exposed. This applies particularly when our children are young and our control over their social activities is greater. But even as they get older, we must be thoughtful about the decisions we make, and the impact that these decisions may have on our children’s surroundings.
At the same time, as we all know, ultimately there is a limit to how much control we have upon our children’s social surroundings. While we may choose a particular community or school that we believe is in consonance with our values, we don’t have control over the other kids who attend the school or camp. And especially as our children get older, we have less control over which classmates our children befriend. In preparation for those moments, we must inculcate within our children a recognition of our values and morals—and we must encourage them to learn from those who share those values and morals. We should educate them to understand that while they will be exposed to many different types of childhood peers, they do not need to learn from everyone. They should strive to learn from those who will make them a better person, not those who will bring them down.
In this week’s parsha, Chazal teach us that part of the reason why Datan and Aviram sinned was their proximity to Korach and his other followers. Although this proximity was dictated by God Himself, Korach was only one of thousands of neighbors surrounding them. Nonetheless, they ultimately chose to side with Korach and his entourage. The words of Chazal are important for us to remember as parents. We must be careful and thoughtful about the nature of our children’s surroundings. At the same time, however, given our limited control in this area, we must also instill within our children the ability to learn, from those around them, the lessons that are right, and not those that are wrong.
Wishing everyone a Shabbat Shalom!
Rav Yossi Goldin is the menahel tichon at Yeshivas Pe’er HaTorah, Rebbe at Midreshet Tehilla, and Placement Advisor/Internship Coordinator for the YU/RIETS Kollel. He lives with his family in Shaalvim and can be reached at [email protected]
