April 28, 2021, and December 16, 2022. Both of those dates will forever be engrained in my mind. Those were the two worst days of my life, which resulted in joining the one in four pregnancy loss statistic. You hear about this staggering statistic, but you never think it will actually happen to you.
My first loss, at eight weeks gestation, happened following almost a year of trying to conceive. As I sat in the exam chair, alone for a routine appointment (after hearing the heartbeat three times), my OB suddenly stopped talking. All I heard was “I am so sorry. There is no heartbeat.” I was in utter shock as I called my husband to tell him the news.
The days and weeks following this loss were painful, isolating, lonely, challenging and somber. I had to take care of my 18-month-old son and “act normal,” while going through this extremely traumatic event. I was not sure how to process this and felt like my body had failed me. As a result of my experience, I will mention a few things one should not say to someone who experiences pregnancy loss: (1) “At least you got pregnant!” (2) “The baby was probably sick, so it’s better this way,” (3) “This is just a blip in the road.”
I confided in my best friend and her response was something I will never forget. “If your friends do not know what you are going through, they cannot be there for you.” This was eye-opening and after two weeks of isolation and feeling ashamed, I reached out to some friends for support. Speaking about my loss made it feel more real and allowed me the space to grieve alongside close friends. Some friends sent dinners, candles, cookies, and flowers. I will forever be grateful for their support in one of my darkest times.
When my second son was 4 months old, I unexpectedly got pregnant. I was shocked but also felt lucky for this surprising blessing after all the struggles I had gone through. After my nine-week scan, where everything looked “normal,” the thought of another loss never even crossed my mind. I figured the worst had already happened to me, so I was in the clear. A few days later, I started spotting and a few days after that, I lost the pregnancy.
This loss was even more traumatic for me (I will spare you the details). Following the loss, I went into a deep depression. I was not eating or sleeping and would burst into tears throughout the day, even at work. I didn’t know what was wrong with me as I had never felt like this before. Although I am a therapist, I did not know that postpartum depression could occur following pregnancy loss. While your body is no longer pregnant, the hormones are still there. After seeking out help, which included therapy, medication and prioritizing myself, I was fortunate to become pregnant with my third son (who is 8 months old).
The devastating experience of pregnancy loss takes so much from you, such as the joy of being pregnant and the carefree attitude of pregnancy, leaving you with anxiety, complicated grief and scars that will remain forever. The hardest part of all is that no one knows you lost a child, and so it feels isolating and shameful to grieve. This kind of loss is called “ambiguous loss,” which is defined as losses that occur without closure or understanding. The grief caused by such loss is extremely isolating.
I wish I could tell you there’s a silver lining from these losses. I could say I had my two rainbow babies and I am of course grateful for them. But sometimes, there is no silver lining, and acknowledging that these were real losses and sharing my story helps me feel supported. I want to offer that support to other women in the same situation. This is the driving force behind my career and the reason I specialized in maternal mental health. I want to be able to help those in these vulnerable situations and guide them through the grief, loss, pain, anger and fear.
I want other women to know they are not alone. If you are part of the one-in-four unfortunate club, I see you. Your pain is real. Your loss is real. Your grief is warranted. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve: and remember that women are warriors.
Gabrielle Moskovitz is a therapist at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy, specializing in maternal mental health. She is passionate about advocating for women’s mental health access with issues such as infertility, pregnancy loss, postpartum anxiety and depression, and struggles with motherhood. Gabrielle is currently pursuing a Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMHC) through PSI. Follow along @thecheftherapist on Instagram for tips, resources and personal stories.
To schedule an appointment with Gabrielle: https://www.collaborativeminds.net/gabrielle
