The Question

Dear Dr. Lamm,

With Purim coming up next week I’ve been struggling with the whole communal drinking thing. We have four children between the ages of 7 and 15, two boys and two girls. I don’t know how we should be approaching and talking to our kids about drinking. My husband drinks wine at our seuda and remains in control but I feel like I’m trying to hide my kids from the drinking because I don’t want them to start getting into alcohol. The whole thing makes me feel uneasy. Do you have any guidance on how to approach this?

The Answer

This is a great question and there are a lot of different ways to talk about drinking alcohol with children and teenagers. While there is no absolute right way to discuss this (though plenty of wrong ways) I’ll try to present a balanced, middle of the road approach.

Get on the Same Page

It goes without saying, but you need to ensure that you and your husband are in full agreement in how you go about this discussion. If you yourself are uncomfortable with your husband drinking, the two of you need to discuss it first.

What’s the Reason?

I’d begin your conversation with a discussion of the purpose and background of drinking on Purim. Put it in the context of our history and the Purim story. Drinking is a form of celebrating of our victory and salvation from Haman’s intended genocide. This is an opportunity to be straight with your kids about why people drink in general. Parents often fear that if they initiate a conversation with their children about some taboo subject that it will lead their children to engage in that behavior themselves. Vast amounts of research run contrary to this. It is likely that your children already know about these taboo subjects and it’s much better to have this conversation with you instead of another source.

You’re allowed to tell your kids that some people find alcohol to be enjoyable, relaxing or fun. You obviously don’t want to romanticize it but it’s better that your children hear from you that it can be enjoyable when used responsibly. This is an opportunity to talk about moderation and about alcohol consumption in general. Purim shouldn’t be the only time you have conversations with your children about substances but it’s as good a time as any.

Keep It Kosher

Explain to your children that drinking on Purim can be part of the celebration only if it serves to elevate the Yom Tov. Many sources are specific that the only alcohol that should be drunk on Purim is wine, since wine played such an important role in the events of Purim. Ensure that alcohol is not the center of attention on Purim. The holiday is not, and therefore should not, be centered around drinking. Make sure to reiterate that Purim is not an excuse for overindulgence, substance use/abuse, and inappropriate behavior. Excessive drinking, nicotine, cannabis, and other substances are not part of the mitzvah of Purim. It sounds like your husband’s drinking is appropriate and responsible. Make sure that the drinking of others around you is also in control. Consider leaving a situation where inappropriate drinking or substance use is occurring. This is not for your children to witness or emulate. If they do observe such behavior be firm in your denunciation, even if it is a friend or respected individual. You can use this as an example and lesson of someone misusing alcohol; a cautionary tale.

Why Can’t I?

The inevitable question: If you can do it, why can’t I? I think that the best way to explain this without looking like a hypocrite is to compare alcohol to other age restrictive activities such as driving, voting, gambling, etc. Just as driving can be fun, exciting and liberating, it can be dangerous. You must be a certain age and have certain skills to safely drive. The same applies to consuming alcohol. Alcohol can be addictive, dangerous to one’s health, lead to poor decision- making, or alcohol poisoning. As such, alcohol is not appropriate for children and teenagers until their bodies and brains have further developed and they have demonstrated a consistent sense of maturity, responsibility and impulse control.

In Sum

Purim presents a complicated situation for most parents. I encourage you and all parents to use Purim as an opportunity to open a dialogue about substance and alcohol use and demonstrate appropriate and responsible alcohol consumption. Drinking with the aim of celebrating Purim and showing love and excitement in our Torah and tradition can be a beautiful thing. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. Ensure that when you or those around you lower their inhibitions, it brings out a joy and love of Judaism rather than Shushan Purim “hangxiety.”

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Dr. Lamm is a clinical psychologist and director of East Side CBT, a psychology group practice located in Manhattan and Bergen County. He can be reached at [email protected] or eastside-cbt.com.