The Question

Dear Dr. Lamm,

My wife and I are new to our neighborhood and we’ve been having a hard time breaking into the social groups. When I say new I mean we’ve lived here for about a year. We still feel new but we also thought we would have made some friends by now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice shul and a nice community and the people are friendly. The rabbi and rebbetzin have had us over for a meal and people say “good Shabbos” to me when I’m at shul. It all just feels superficial. It seems like everyone else has a close group of friends and we are just friendly acquaintances. We aren’t invited out for meals on Shabbos or Yom Tov, and kiddush is really awkward. I’d like to think I’m pretty self-aware. I don’t think we are weird or anti-social and we have a pretty similar background to everyone else. Is there something else we should be doing? I wonder whether this is the right community for us but I worry that if we move somewhere else we’ll experience the same issues.

The Answer

This is definitely a challenging and, unfortunately, common situation. Trying to enter into a new social group can be extraordinarily difficult and often anxiety provoking. I’d like to break down my answer into four parts: be specific, get on the radar, get involved and include your spouse.

Be Specific

You don’t want to spread yourself too thin. Remember that old idiom: jack of all trades, master of none. If you are trying to get closer with everyone you will likely end up friendly with everyone but not particularly close with anyone. I’d recommend talking with your wife and choosing two to three people/couples that you think might be potential candidates for closer friendships. People who you think have common backgrounds, interests, occupations, ages of children (if that’s applicable) etc. Try to specifically focus on these people.

Get on the Radar

It sounds like your community is generally friendly so my guess is that you aren’t being excluded intentionally but more likely forgotten or overlooked. That said, it’s obviously terribly uncomfortable to feel neglected and unseen. The logical solution to being overlooked is to make yourself more visible. Thinking about those people you’ve already targeted above, try to make yourself more present to these individuals. Specifically and repeatedly sit next to them in shul and talk to them at kiddush. Instead of waiting, invite them for Shabbos meals first. If you already have, invite them again. Try inviting them with other couples you are interested in getting closer with or with a couple they are already friends with to make the atmosphere more comfortable and familiar. I know it may sound super awkward, but thinking about and planning conversation topics for these specific individuals may make those interactions more substantive and consequently more memorable. As such, you’ll be able to be more present in their minds which should hopefully increase their interest and engagement with you. The key is to be seen and remembered.

Get Involved

To begin with you need to show up. Even if you aren’t typically a shul goer, showing up regularly is extremely important socially. Additionally, beyond staying engaged with your community members by attending community events, getting involved in some aspect of your shul/community not only puts you more on the radar, but it helps generate a new micro-community within your community. If you join a committee you can help your shul and also develop closer relationships with those individuals on your committee. You will be more widely known and will likely feel more like you belong.

Include Your Spouse

While this may seem obvious, if the two of you are working together you can cover twice the ground. It’s best if you agree on the friends you are trying to engage with. Granted there are many exceptions, but oftentimes women schedule the meals invitations and men attend shul more frequently, so plan accordingly. Unfortunately, I’ve observed couples who aren’t working together coming up short. The wife may extend a lunch invitation and a nice meal follows but if the husband (or the wife) do not come to shul for the next month they fall off the radar and fail to receive a return invitation. Or the other way around, where you have a husband attending shul and attempting to build relationships with a few men in the community, but if their wives never meet, and since women typically handle lunch invitations, the couple gets forgotten.

Sum Up

I know it may feel awkward, pathetic or unfair to have to pursue friendships so diligently and in such a prescribed way. It may even feel ungenuine or at times depressing. It’s at times like this that we need to ignore our egos, throw away our judgments and try something new. I obviously can’t promise that this will work, but at least you’ll know that you’ve given it your best shot.

If you’d like to anonymously submit a question, please visit www.eastside-cbt.com/blog

Dr. Lamm is a clinical psychologist and director of East Side CBT, a psychology group practice located in Manhattan and Bergen County. He can be reached at [email protected] or Eastside-CBT.com.