The Question

My wife and I view finances from two different sides of the same coin. We are both money conscious but view spending differently. She is of the opinion that we are financially comfortable so we can spend money on non-essentials or “expensive” vacations (which is a relative term because I’m sure it’s way cheaper than what other people are doing). It’s not that she is not cognizant of saving, but she is able to live life without constantly thinking about money.

I, however, am quite frugal. Of course I’m happy to spend money on necessities, food, clothes, utilities, tuition, tzedaka, etc., but when it comes to spending on non-essentials, I have a very difficult time. In my head, I see spending money as the thing that takes me away from my family, makes me spend more hours at work, and is a direct hit to my ability to retire sooner. It is also a hindrance to my efforts to save for future expenses, which we will have as our kids get older and have increased expenses in the years to come (weddings, tuition, etc.).

Admittedly, I am looking 30 years down the line and trying to set us up for that, but this is at the expense of living our lives now. I worry our kids are missing out on experiences in their formative years because of this, but I also want them to learn to be money conscious and recognize the value of a dollar. I also think that if we are really committed to saving every penny we can now, we’ll have the best possible chance to be really well set up for financial freedom in the future. In general, I am a planner and do not live in the moment ever. She is not built that way.

So how do I address my fears and stop making her feel guilty when she spends money, but also get her to not throw away money and keep saving? I’m sure balance is something ideal, but we see that balance in completely different parts of the spectrum of spending/saving. Neither of us want finances to come between us, but she feels limited and oppressed by my frugality and I feel punished and trapped in my job by her spending.

The Answer

Preamble

Before I go into my answer, it’s important that you know that you are very much not alone. One of the most common sources of marital discord is finances. What makes you different and gives me hope is your recognition and validation of your wife’s point of view and your desire to find a middle ground and not just convince her to do things your way. You are way ahead of the curve.

Definitions and Parameters

I know this is obvious but I need to say it anyway. It’s very important for the two of you to define what are essential and non-essential spending items. For example, tuition is clearly an essential and winter vacation in the Galapagos is clearly a non-essential.

But what about taking your family out to dinner? Technically, you can always make dinner at home for far less money, so perhaps eating out should be defined as non-essential. However, perhaps eating out could be defined and categorized differently? Depending on the situation we could define eating out as an “exciting family activity,” an opportunity to “feel special,” or a way to give the home chef a break. Now it gets a little more confusing. If you and your wife speak about these other ways of defining essential and non-essential you may have an easier time finding a middle path. Make sure that you both understand each other’s reasoning for spending or saving and you’ll have a better chance of finding agreement.

Another obvious thing I need to recommend is a budget. I know it’s super annoying and far from simple but if you both agree to a target number for saving and build in an acceptable amount for spending then each non-essential purchase won’t feel like it’s pushing your retirement back another two years. If you set aside $100 a month for extras (just a random number) there will be less arguing about how you spend it. You’ll feel better knowing that you’ve planned for that spending and she’ll feel less guilty. If you don’t plan ahead, each purchase has the potential for disagreement and stress. To me it’s less about the minutiae of your budget and more about how you think about that $100. I’ll leave the budgeting to the accountants.

Conscientiousness vs. Anxiety Management

Being smart about your spending is clearly an important and admirable attribute. However, you need to be cognizant of whether your frugality has morphed into an unhelpful coping skill. Oftentimes anxiety can hijack a good, conscientious trait and twist it into something else. I wonder whether this may be the case for you.

A good sign that this is happening is if it still hurts to spend that $100 I mentioned in the last section. Of course it may be uncomfortable at first, but if it is still really painful it’s probably a sign that you are “too anxious” about the spending and need to work on building up your tolerance for non-essential spending. This is why budgeting and earmarking are so important: it helps you differentiate between the anxious and conscientious thinking.

Values, Values, Values

Here is where the waters get murkier. If we were talking about absolute necessities with limited resources there would be no discussion: You need to be careful about your spending to ensure that your family can live a safe and secure life.

Thank God it sounds like you are blessed to have the “problems” of expendable income. You and your wife need to decide what to do with that extra money. This is where values come into play. Values can include chesed and tzedaka, financial security later in life, fun and exciting life experiences, lower stress about future expenses (not to be confused with an inability to pay for them), quality of life in the short-term versus long-term, life and values lessons for your children, living a life of modesty—and I’m certain you could name many more. It’s likely that you and your wife rank your priorities differently or that financial security trumps other priorities more often for you than for her. If you’ve successfully separated the anxious and conscientious thinking then you can have an honest conversation about these competing values.

It helps to remember to stop and smell the roses. Be careful not to spend the next 30 years just working. It might be worth working an extra two years so that you and your family can live a little in the meantime.

If you’d like to anonymously submit a question, visit www.eastside-cbt.com/blog.

Dr. Lamm is a clinical psychologist, and director of East Side CBT, a psychology group practice located in Manhattan and Bergen County. He can be reached at [email protected] or eastside-cbt.com.