Dear Dr. Lamm,

Over the last few years I’ve found it really difficult to get into the mood for Pesach. I often dread it. The minute Purim is over I feel that overwhelming rush of impending doom with less than a month until Pesach. This holiday just requires too much effort. Cleaning and turing over the house; lugging the chametz dishes and food out of the kitchen and into the basement; buying a whole new pantry of food that is way overpriced (and always a little stale); hours upon hours of cooking and Seder prep; hosting family who aren’t always cordial in close quarters; three-day Yom Tov; entertaining the kids during Chol Hamoed; and the huge cost of it all. How are we expected to have any simchas Yom Tov with so much pressure, effort and cost? I can’t be the only one to feel this way but I definitely feel guilty that I do. I have to find a way to make this year’s Pesach better because I’m pretty sure my family can read it on my face.

The Answer

You’re absolutely right, you are not the only one who feels this way. It is really hard to find joy in backbreaking labor. I know it’s a lame joke, but we all get a microscopic taste of the slavery in Egypt preparing for Pesach. While I can’t relieve you of the actual cost and quantity of effort needed for your Pesach prep, I have a few suggestions for how to make it feel more manageable so that you will, hopefully, feel less burnt out and perhaps even a little excited for Pesach. It’s a tall order but I’ll try my best.

Make a List and Check It Twice

First, try to get organized with your prep by writing everything down and categorizing: shopping, cleaning, kashering, cooking, house prep, activity planning, etc. While the length and breadth of this list might seem overwhelming, clearly defining your tasks makes them feel less endless and more manageable. Second, hang this list on your wall and, if possible, divide some of these responsibilities between your family members. Third, try to schedule when you plan to do all of these items. Again, while this prep may seem like an added task, it will feel more accomplishable in the long run. You are making something that seems impossible in your mind accomplishable.

Finally, get yourself a big red marker and cross off each item when it’s completed. Make a big deal with the crossing off. There’s nothing like marking an item complete on a to do list. I’m very particular about the list being visible and not hidden on your phone. It makes a big difference. Oftentimes we focus on all the things we have left to do and don’t applaud ourselves for what we’ve already completed. Please don’t make this mistake!

Nobody’s Perfect, Even You

It’s super important to be patient and flexible with yourself. Try not to bite off more than you need to chew. Pesach brings with it a lot of expectations. Be realistic and don’t force yourself to be perfect. You’re allowed to cut corners here and there. Maybe not with halacha (though it’s always helpful to catch one of those refresher courses as a reminder of what you actually need to do), but with everything else. I still remember wiping the bottom of my clothing drawers with a rag when I was a kid. That wasn’t halachically necessary; it was probably my parents’ plot to keep me out from underfoot. Tablescapes and a multitude of food varieties are wonderful and unnecessary. Pick your battles. If you love the tablescape and it makes you happy, keep it. If you don’t really need three different types of chicken, skip it.

The Money’s Already Gone

We all know that Pesach is an expensive holiday, and it’s very easy to stress and ruminate over the cost of it all. Your best bet is to try to accept it instead of fight it. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t budget and try to make smart financial decisions, but once the decision is made, own it. Focusing your attention again and again on the cost doesn’t save you any money, it just makes you feel worse about it. Even if you are having a hard time getting into the Yom Tov spirit, focusing on what your purchases will do for others can help alleviate the emotional burden of those costs. Yes, your grocery bill will be higher, and yes, you will need to splurge on things you don’t typically buy, but this is a once a year holiday. If you can, budget ahead of time, find small ways to save where possible, and let go of the cost in your mind, it won’t hurt as much.

Remind Yourself of the Meaning

This seems obvious but it’s often forgotten. I’m not even talking about the significance of the holiday in our Jewish tradition, the birth of the Jewish nation, the ideas of freedom and religious expression, or the connection and reliance of our people on Hashem. I’m talking about more personal significance. Think about the things you remember from your childhood about Pesach and how you are creating memories for your children.

Perhaps you can connect personally to some of the mitzvot or minhagim. Remind yourself that your efforts have significance beyond the rituals. But do this in a specific way; name the things that are important to you. Hop online to find ideas that make the Yom Tov more fun and exciting for yourself or your family. This will give you something new and different to look forward to. The key is to remind yourself of what this is all for. Backbreaking, pointless labor is tortuous. Backbreaking, goal directed labor can be triumphant.

If you’d like to anonymously submit a question, please visit www.eastside-cbt.com/blog.

Dr. Lamm is a clinical psychologist and director of East Side CBT, a psychology group practice located in Manhattan and Bergen County. He can be reached at drjlamm@gmail.com or eastside-cbt.com.