The Question

Dear Dr. Lamm,

I hope I’m not the only one to admit it, but I really hate winter break. No, it’s not because we don’t like spending time with our kids, nor is it the challenge of taking off work right after the secular holidays; rather it’s the really intense social and financial pressure.

Year after year we find ourselves in mid-December fielding the same questions from our friends: “Where are you guys going for Yeshiva Week?” I really hate that question, and I think it sums up the problem perfectly. Our friends, and probably most people in our community, assume everyone is able and can afford to take off work and travel someplace fun and exotic. My husband and I both work and we really do make a decent living, but airfare, hotels, food and activities for a trip to Florida for a family of six is really not in the cards for us. Maybe we could swing it every few years, but definitely not every year.

I’m an adult and I understand the realities of the world. I can accept that different families have different budgets. The biggest struggle I have is with my children. They see all their friends traveling to exotic places every year and they, understandably, feel jealous. How do I talk to my children about this without them thinking we’re poor? How do I tell them that we’re not the only ones in this position when it really feels like we are in the extreme minority in our neighborhood? How do I help them feel joy and excitement when they are expressing so much disappointment?

The Answer

I hear you loud and clear, and I too have strong feelings about Yeshiva Week. I think we can rephrase your questions a little to hopefully provide a solution: How do you generally talk to your kids about money? How do you compare yourself to others? And how do you make your modest winter break count?

How Do You Talk to Your Kids About Money?

While I can’t go into a lengthy discussion on a serious topic like this in a column of this size, I’ll try to give you the bullet points. It’s important for all children, regardless of income, to have an understanding of the value of money. You don’t want your kids to worry about finances but you do want them to have a sense of the value of things. Focus more on how you want to spend your money than whether you can or cannot afford something. Instead of saying something is too expensive you can say that it’s not worth that price tag. “We prefer to spread our extra money out and spend it on different things throughout the year than use it all on a fancy trip to Florida.” Giving children a modest allowance for household chores is a good way of getting them started on understanding the value of a dollar. Your son may ask you to buy that Lego set for $50 but he may feel differently about that $50 price tag when it’s coming from his own wallet.

How to Talk About Comparisons in Wealth?

It’s OK to be open and honest with your children. You’re allowed to share some of your own feelings too. You can tell them about times that you’ve had similar feelings: wishing for a bigger house, nicer things, more free time, etc. This can be really validating. But also share with them how you have (hopefully) come to a place of acceptance (or are trying to). Make sure that you highlight the things you do have! Oftentimes these are taken for granted and it’s a good opportunity to coach your children on how to focus on gratitude (I know, not an easy task). Furthermore, comparisons are only “fair” if they are done in both directions. Ask your kids if they have ever thought how people with less might view your family. You don’t have to make extreme comparisons because these are often written off because they are extreme. Be careful to do this in a way that does not invalidate their genuine and reasonable feelings. While this may not get them on a luxurious trip to Turks and Caicos, it may help them better appreciate what they do have. Ben Zoma had it right in Pirkei Avot: אֵיזֶהוּ עָשִׁיר, הַשָּׂמֵחַ בְּחֶלְקוֹ, Who is wealthy? One who is happy with his portion.

How to Make Your Modest Winter Break Count?

Adults are often looking for vacations as an opportunity to recharge and prevent burnout. A few days to turn off are incredibly welcome. Children are typically looking for something fun, unique and exciting. However, what I think is most important is making things memorable. We want our children to enjoy themselves and make those experiences last. Some of the most memorable trips from my childhood are the ones that went wrong. They aren’t negative memories; they’re fun ones. Thinking along these lines, when you are coming up with the local staycation activities for your family, think of ways to make them last. Little changes in routine make things feel unique. Swap cars with a friend for a few days, sit at different spots around your table, be silly and spontaneous, plan out your days but let each day be a surprise. You likely live near a place that tourists visit; try being a tourist in your own city. Act like a foreigner and do as they would. Try to have one different thing each day. It doesn’t have to be huge, just different. Give your kids a narrative of their winter break, the story they tell themselves and their friends about the week. Take lots of pictures and print them out, or better yet, make a winter break photobook. It’s true that their stories will feel less exciting than their peers when they return to school, but trying to focus on making these moments more memorable will have a way more impactful effect in the long term.

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Dr. Lamm is a clinical psychologist, and director of East Side CBT, a psychology group practice located in Manhattan and Bergen County. He can be reached at [email protected] or Eastside-CBT.com