In the spirit of Purim, let’s have some fun defining some terms of art that Israeli realtors might use to put a positive spin on home features that are somewhat less than appealing.

Charming—Do you want to revisit the “chalutz” period of Israel in the early 1900’s, complete with dirt floor and outdoor plumbing? If so, this home is perfect for you.

Conveniently Located—At the intersection of King George and Yaffo, right above a 24-hour schwarma joint. Apartment comes with “his and hers” ear and nose plugs.

Country Living—We hope you enjoy driving because this home is centrally located between Eilat and Cairo.

Cozy—Remember stories of your zaydie living with his mamma and pappa, and nine sisters and brothers in a 2-bedroom tenement apartment in the Lowest East Side? This is the home for them.

Friendly Neighborhood—In fact, several Sephardic grandmothers will be happy to lecture you on how you’re not putting enough layers of clothing on your baby – in Bet Shemesh! – in the summer!

Good Value—This property will never be taxed, as the owner never received a building permit.

Handyman’s Special—Reminds me of a house in the Old City the day after the final shot was fired in the Six-Day War.

Intimate—The only home smaller than ‘cozy.’ These homes are perfect if you’d feel comfortable living in a sukkah.

Must See The Inside—Because the exterior hearkens back to the summer you volunteered in a Negev development town.

Needs Some TLC—Nothing like star gazing from your bed – through the roof!

Old World Charm—I don’t want to say the place is old, but the graffiti is in Latin.

Only One Owner—And he hasn’t made any renovations since David Ben Gurion declared Israel’s independence on May 15, 1948.

Plenty of Parking—Teddy Stadium is across the street.

Unique—Think of the built-in falafel bar in the center of the living room as a great conversation piece.

Water Views—If you stand on a ladder in the corner bedroom of the second floor and lean precariously out the window, you might be able to see the Mediterranean Sea on a clear day.

Water Front—Don’t stick your head out of the living room window when your upstairs neighbor is doing “sponga” unless you’re in dire need of a shower.

MY ISRAEL HOME wishes our readers a Freilichen Purim!

Gedaliah Borvick is the founder of My Israel Home (www.myisraelhome.com), a real estate agency focused on helping people from abroad buy and sell homes in Israel. To sign up for his monthly market updates, contact him at [email protected].

By Gedaliah Borvick