Editor’s note: The following is an edited version of a speech made at The Moriah School’s eighth-grade graduation event.
Having a child in this year’s graduating class, I would like to speak to all the graduates heading to high school as a parent, rather than as an educator.
We parents have watched you grow, celebrating every milestone along the way. Your first word, your first step, your first day at school. The first day you crossed the street by yourself. Much to our chagrin—your first cell phone. With each milestone, we watched you grow into independent young men and women. And now we all celebrate another milestone.
From the beginning of this exhilarating journey we have been preoccupied with your well-being, your growth and your happiness.
I’d like to share a parenting challenge with you. We all want you to be happy. There are times, however, when happiness isn’t in the cards, or isn’t even the right choice. A parent’s job runs deeper than just happiness. Let me explain:
Any of you ever hear of Peter, Paul and Mary? I didn’t think so. They are famous folk music singers. Ever hear of folk music? Folk music is a genre of music that falls chronologically somewhere between classical music and rap. This year, before Pesach, my parents were in Ben-Gurion airport, when my father saw Peter Yarrow, the “Peter” of Peter, Paul and Mary. My father approached him and engaged him in conversation. At one point, Peter—yes, we are on a first name basis—asked him why he was traveling to the US. My father responded, “To visit my children and grandchildren.” “How many do you have?” he asked. “Well, I have three children and 19 grandchildren.” Peter’s mouth dropped.
He was silent for a while, as he tried to comprehend what he had just been told. Then he said, “You know, in my world, people don’t have many kids, if they have them at all. I think the reason is that there is a lot of sadness, and if you don’t experience the world as a happy place, why would you want to bring children into it? Your children must have experienced happiness and that is why they chose to bring so many children into this world.”
What a profound thought. I would amend his comments ever so slightly, however. I think that the secret to seeing this world in the best possible light is about meaningfulness, not happiness.
What is the difference?
A Stanford research project published in the Journal of Positive Psychology examined assumptions about the difference between happiness and meaningfulness and found a number of significant differences. Let me share some with you.
- Satisfying desires and getting what you need is important to achieving happiness but not meaningfulness. One can achieve meaningfulness even without acquiring possessions. Eizehu ashir? Who is wealthy? ask Chazal. Hasameach bechlko. One who is happy with his portion.
- Maybe Chazal really mean one who finds meaning in his portion. Graduates, ask yourself the following question: How will you find meaning in your own lives, in high school and beyond? What positive impact can you have on your family, on your friends, on the society in which you live? Ask yourself the following question—what does God want of me? If you strive for meaning, then you will lead a far richer life no matter what circumstances or challenges await.
- Happiness was found to be about the present while meaningfulness was found to be about linking past, present and future. Graduates, as you enter the stage of life that is most hazardous to parents, called the teenage years, recognize that your strength lies in your past. Your parents’ and teachers’ counsel and support becomes more important now than ever. Take advantage of their experience, knowledge and history, so that they can help guide you to make appropriate decisions that prepare you well for your own future. Additionally, you are the bearers of a rich heritage and a proud tradition: one that has guided and impacted upon the world in profound ways and that provides us guidance through the Torah on a daily basis. Continue to use Torah as your guide to life and as a resource for the most difficult of questions that you will face in the future.
- Deep relationships with family and those who are close to you are associated with meaning, while shallower relationships are associated with happiness. The term friend has been hijacked by the world of social media so that today it represents a shallow relationship. How many friends do you have? Not social media friends. Deep friends. Be a true friend to those around you, develop meaningful relationships and support your friends in meaningful ways.
- A life of meaning can, and generally will, involve stress and struggle. Some of those struggles may lead to unhappiness. Be adventurous—take the risks, embrace the struggle. The well-lived meaningful life will mean that there are times when you will be unhappy, times when you will struggle and times when you will fail. Happiness is often the easier route to take but is not always the route to making meaning. When Moshe Rabbeinu was living as a prince in Pharoah’s castle, he was probably happy. He knew, however, that he was destined to live a difficult but meaningful life. His courageous leadership was the reason that we are here today.
- While a life of happiness often means getting what you want, a life of meaning is about being who you want. It is about expressing yourself and defining yourself. Meaningfulness is about giving. Happiness is about taking.
So while much of the world focuses on the pursuit of happiness, I urge you to pursue meaningfulness. Instead of wishing others a happy holiday, consider wishing them a meaningful holiday. How about wishing someone a meaningful birthday? When asking a friend about their well-being, consider asking them about their own search for meaning.
And as you move on to the next stage of your education, live every day of your life in the pursuit of meaning. Pursue it with passion and alacrity. You will be better for it.
By Rabbi Daniel Alter
Rabbi Daniel Alter is the head of school at The Moriah School.
