Rabbi Dr. Ari Sytner is giving an upcoming community lecture about marital relationships, asking, “If a marriage is ‘fine,’ is it truly?” Rabbi Sytner will offer facts and strategies about what science, data and Torah teaches about making marriages stronger. Rabbi Dr. Ari Sytner, who lives in Bergenfield with his wife, Chana, and four children, has a private practice in couples therapy in Teaneck. He also serves as the director of leadership and community development at Yeshiva University, as well as as a professor of social work at YU’s Wurzweiler School.
Rabbi Dr. Sytner answered the questions below for us, and invites all to join him at the free event, which will be held Feb. 11, at 8 p.m., at Congregation Beth Aaron.
- Tell us about the Gottman Method, which is the type of therapy that you bring to the frum community. What sets it apart from other kinds of marriage counseling?
After observing more than 3,000 couples over four decades, researcher Dr. John Mordechai Gottman is able to watch a couple debate an issue and within five minutes of observing their conflict, he will make a prediction about whether they are likely to divorce. How often are his predictions right? Ninety-four percent of the time!
What Gottman learned over the years is that there are certain observable behaviors that couples demonstrate, which are predictors for divorce and are inherent recipes for a marital disaster. While there are many great modalities for helping couples, not all of them are research-based, and don’t always yield the results that a couple is looking for. The Gottman Method is completely built on time-tested and repeated research, designed to find what works. That is why as a clinician who works exclusively with couples, I find the Gottman Method to be most helpful. It allows me to collect specific data points for each couple I work with, such as computerized testing and biofeedback metrics. That data is then used to diagnose with incredible precision so that couples can learn to identify the specific areas that need improvement. Knowing the cause of a problem allows the therapist to then teach a couple how to make the adjustments necessary to set their own relationship on a stronger footing.
- Were there any surprising findings in your own research on marriage and divorce in the Orthodox community?
Over the last several years, I was privileged to study and analyze data collected from nearly 200 Orthodox Jews that divorced. I learned that there are numerous heartbreaking factors that were related to the erosion of marriages, and they don’t discriminate between the Modern Orthodox, yeshivish and chasidish communities. While there exist surprising rates of emotional abuse, physical abuse and infidelity, the leading factor associated with divorce was difficulties with communication. The good news in response to this finding is that healthy communication is a skill which can be taught and even introduced to our children before marriage. In fact, I am a strong advocate for all engaged couples to invest in communication-building workshops as a preventative measure that can help reduce the rate of divorce.
My findings also noted that, contrary to previous research which stated that Orthodox Jews avoided therapy due to fears of stigma and shame, a large majority of the research sample willingly sought the support of therapists. This finding should help encourage those marriages which are still suffering in the shadows to break their silence and seek the necessary support that can bring them relief.
- Can you explain the title of the talk you are giving at Beth Aaron, “When a Marriage Is Fine, Is It Really?”
Most couples, especially in our communities, enjoy a good marriage and family life. However, we also live under the immense pressures of the three T’s: Tuition, Taxes and Time. As a result of these ever-expanding pressures, even the greatest marriages are prone to incredible stress. The research on couples living in stress shows that not only can it impact one’s physical health (such as high blood pressure or heart disease), but it can impair one’s cognitive abilities. Imagine trying to calculate long division in your head, while having a debate with your spouse; it would quickly escalate, tempers would flare and it would be wholly unproductive. That is what stress does to a marriage. When a person is spread thin, overworked and stressed by finances the brain is flooded with chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormone) and the result is that a marriage which was otherwise “fine” may actually begin eroding.
Research by Dr. Shirley Glass and psychotherapist Esther Perel found that when couples are living on cruise control and existing in a state of being “fine” they may actually be at higher risk for loneliness, infidelity and divorce. That is the foundation to my talk on Monday night. My goal is to help raise awareness so that couples who are doing all right can learn to reduce those risk factors, and those who may already be at higher risk can take steps to get back on track.
- There are so many time constraints on couples today, particularly parents of younger children. What are some essential activities for couples or what must they make time for?
Just as most people go to the dentist annually and don’t wait for there to be a problem, relationships also require regular maintenance. This starts by making a conscientious effort to prioritize the marriage and take steps to strengthen the communication and relationship. For those who may argue that they do not have the time, or cannot afford to—I would respond that in today’s stressful and distracted climate, couples can’t afford not to. The toll that a strained relationship can take on a couple and their children can be far more detrimental than the investment of time, energy and money in improving the marriage. In fact, the greatest gift a couple can give their children is to show them how important it is to hire a babysitter and commit to a weekly date night. When a couple creates that precious time to disconnect from devices and talk to each other, they teach their kids what it takes to have a wonderful marriage.
During my presentation at Beth Aaron, I will be sharing practical tips and techniques that couples can implement that will improve the quality of their interactions and communication. For those who are looking to dig deeper on a more personal level, in addition to offering couples counseling, I will be launching a couple’s workshop in the near future based on Gottman’s bestselling book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” My hope is that if we can proactively bring more of these supportive and educational resources to our community, we will help strengthen the overall state of marriage in the Jewish community.
Rabbi Dr. Sytner can be reached at www.asytner.com.
