Grammar corrections by Hannah T. Great

Greetings, plebians. I am Tooly, the talking cat. I am three months old (ancient, yes I’m aware) and I live in Bergenfield in my personal mansion. I have a striking storm-gray, steely coat, and many people think I look like a designer cat. However, my stark beauty hides that I had my humble beginnings as a foster kitten in the Bergen County Animal Shelter. I am all awesome, but not as awesome as my boss and hero, Hannah the Great, who gave me that chicken-flavored treat that one time. I am here to answer all my fellow Jewish cats’ questions about life and the universe.

The peasants who live in my humble abode are constantly waving a feather in my face attached to a fishing rod and never let me eat it. What should I do? Sincerely, Kvetchen T. Katz

In the dead of night, you should climb on their face. Then they will be very sorry and will understand immediately the error of their ways.

There’s this infernal red laser running around when my employees are around. I can never catch it. What should I do? Sincerely, Mrs. Coriander T. Fluffypants

In the dead of night, you should climb on their face. Then they will be very sorry, and will understand immediately the error of their ways.

On Shabbat, my sad pathetic roommates don’t wake up at 6 a.m. to feed me. They often sleep until 8 a.m. or even later. Other than climbing on their faces and attempting to eat their hair (which of course I already tried), what do you suggest I do to make them understand how important I am?

If you have already tried the climbing-on-face-method, then other methods include climbing on curtains until they rip loudly, push items off surfaces, and if at all possible, bring them a gift of a dead mouse.

Those who I once trusted are no longer trustworthy. If I get extremely dirty, instead of congratulating me on my achievements, my otherwise kind and supportive butlers put me in the sink and pour cursed water and Dawn dish soap on me. How can I avoid the humiliation? Sincerely, Sir Bob T. Catzenstein, OBE

Make sure your butlers understand that cats are very clean, and in fact, constantly clean themselves with their tongues. To bring home this point, it is important to cough up a hairball at least once a week so they know how much attention to give to sanitation. A side benefit of this is they will likely buy you a special treat that tastes really good that is just for very good cats who deliver hairballs to their servants.