A Monumental Decision
It was a crossroads for Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya. Brachot 27b-28a records that Rabban Gamliel had been deposed from leadership, and the Sages offered the position to the 18-year-old Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya. Although well-qualified, he was uncertain whether to assume the position. After all, Rabban Gamliel was expected to return to his seat soon, and Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya would have to vacate. Was it worth assuming the title even for a short time?
Let us establish Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya in Rabban Gamliel’s place, his outstanding characteristics set him apart from the other candidates. He is wise, rich and a 10th generation descendant of Ezra. The Gemara explains: “He is wise, so if Rabban Gamliel raises a challenge in matters of Torah, he will answer it and not be embarrassed. And he is rich, so if the need arises to pay homage to the Caesar’s court and serve as a representative of Israel to lobby and negotiate, he has sufficient wealth to cover the costs of the long journeys, taxes and gifts, so he too is able to go and pay homage. And he is a 10th generation descendant of Ezra, so he has the merit of his ancestors, and Rabban Gamliel will be unable to cause him to be punished.”
“They came and said to him: ‘Would the Master consent to being the head of the yeshiva?’ He said to them: “I will go and consult with my household.” He went and consulted with his wife. She said to him: ‘There is room for concern. Perhaps they will remove you from office just as they removed Rabban Gamliel.’ He said to her, based on the folk saying: “Let a person use an expensive goblet one day and let it break tomorrow.” In other words, one should take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself and he need not concern himself whether or not it will last. She said to him: ‘You have no white hair, and it is inappropriate for one so young to head the Sages.’”
The Gemara relates: “That day, he was 18 years old, a miracle transpired for him and18 rows of hair turned white.” The Gemara comments: “That explains that which Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya said: ‘I am as one who is 70 years old,’ and he did not say: “I am 70 years old,” because he looked older than he actually was.”
Why did the eminent Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya respond that he wanted to consult his wife? Why did he not decide for himself?
Bina Yeteira
First, it is wise to take advantage of a woman’s bina yeteira, an extra measure of wisdom that Hashem grants them (Niddah 45b). Indeed, excellent advice emerged from the conversation with his wife. When one enjoys a higher quality experience—even if it is only temporary—he is elevated.
I had a similar experience. In 2006, I was offered the position of interim rabbi of Teaneck’s Congregation Rinat Yisrael during Rav Yosef Adler’s mini-sabbatical. While uncertain about taking the job, my wife, Malca, wisely encouraged me. Ultimately, the experience was enriching and significantly helped propel my trajectory forward. After all, I successfully led a major kehilla for a significant amount of time. The experience instilled within me the confidence to expand and advance.
The Rabbanit also triggered the famous miracle of Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya appearing much older than 18. No wonder the Gemara (Bava Metzia 59a) approves of the common folk saying, “If your wife is short, stoop and whisper to her and consult with her.”
Emotional Support
However, there are other very important reasons for Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya to consult his wife. Malca points out that for Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya to be successful, he needed his wife’s support.
Being the leader is lonely and difficult, especially in the circumstances faced by Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya. Spousal emotional support was critical for him to succeed at the daunting task. He consulted his wife to see if she bought into the idea.
Shared Decision-Making
Malca reminded me of the advice her father, Rav Dr. Shmuel Tokayer, gave us before we married. Rav Dr. Tokayer, a veteran therapist, told us to make all important decisions together. Malca and I have heeded this advice and have found that it helps build the marriage partnership.
A successful marriage is where spouses view each other as partners. Neither side tries to “win” or assume control because they are a team. Spouses consulting each other about all significant decisions builds the synergy that fuels a thriving marriage.
Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya’s successful and impactful tenure as Nasi reflects the wisdom of consulting one’s spouse before any important matter. It is an example of a healthy relationship that should be the hallmark of every marriage.
Conclusion: Respect
Finally, the Gemara (Yevamot 62b) famously expects Jewish husbands to love their wives as themselves and to honor their wives more than themselves. By consulting with his wife before taking such a major step, he shows deep respect for her. He communicates that he values her opinion, considers her feelings and perceives her as a life partner in the fullest sense. In doing so, Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya sets a stellar example for all generations.
Rabbi Jachter serves as the rav of Congregation Shaarei Orah, rebbe at Torah Academy of Bergen County and a get administrator with the Beth Din of Elizabeth. Rabbi Jachter’s 18 books may be purchased at Amazon and Judaica House.
