This article includes a composite of clients. All names have been changed.
For as long as she could remember, Mina hated her father. Mina’s father berated and belittled her mother, who was a full decade younger. He also alternated between ignoring Mina and admonishing her for perceived slights. As Mina tells it, she was relieved when her parents got divorced. Although as a minor, Mina still had to see her father for visitations, she mostly cut off all contact with him as soon as she turned 18. Mina’s father had tried to reach out over the years—sending her money and gifts, calling her on her birthday, and sharing information about her grandparents’ health. Every time Mina’s father reached out to her, she would ask me for an emergency session.
“What does he want from me?” Mina would ask in a panic. “What’s his motive? Why is he reaching out?” Mina would spend days ruminating on her father. The once-a-year breakfast dates would shut her down for months, and seeing billboards for Father’s Day would lead to her taking the day off of work and staying in bed.
Mina recognized that her strong feelings towards her father were affecting her deeply and tried various methods over the years to decrease her emotional reaction toward him. Mina would block him and unblock him, write letters she sent and letters she didn’t send. She participated in somatic work, Internal Family Systems (IFS), group therapy, and more. Despite all of Mina’s efforts, she continued to find herself emotionally hijacked whenever her father reached out. Rather than focusing on erasing Mina’s reaction to her father, we began shifting toward a different goal: building resilience in the face of his presence. If Mina couldn’t stop her dad from reaching out, and she couldn’t completely eliminate her emotional response, what could she do?
When Mina was ready, we began working on Radical Acceptance, a core concept of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Radical Acceptance is the idea of being completely open to reality without resisting it at all. Ideally, someone who is practicing Radical Acceptance will acknowledge the facts in front of them and accept the situation as it is. Mina didn’t have to like that her father was reaching out. Nor did she have to forgive him. However, in order to move forward, she did have to accept that it was happening. By accepting the situation, Mina was able to release herself from the constant one-sided struggle that was taking place within her. Each time Mina caught herself thinking, “Why is he doing this?” she practiced shifting to statements such as “I will never know his motives, and I don’t need to. What matters is how I handle this.” or “This is happening and I am capable of tolerating it, even if it feels uncomfortable.” Acceptance doesn’t mean approval—it means releasing the struggle against an unchangeable reality.
As we continued working together, Mina’s relationship with her father began to shift. We first noticed the progress around the time of Mina’s birthday. In the past, we would spend two to four sessions before her birthday game-planning for her dad—Should she say thank you for the birthday present he would send? Should she check his Instagram to see if he posted about her? Should she block his number in anticipation of the call or text that was inevitable? This year was different. Mina spent the sessions before her birthday acknowledging her discomfort and noting that she could tolerate it, no matter what her dad did or didn’t do.
Radical Acceptance didn’t erase Mina’s pain, but it gave her something even more valuable: the ability to live her life without being controlled by it. By releasing the internal battle over why her father reached out and instead focusing on how she wanted to handle it, Mina regained a sense of control.
For anyone struggling with painful family relationships, Mina’s journey is a reminder that healing doesn’t always mean resolution. Sometimes it means learning to coexist with discomfort in a way that no longer defines us. Acceptance isn’t about giving in—it’s about taking back our power.
Shira Somerstein, LCSW, brings a wealth of experience and compassion to her clients at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy LLC. Shira specializes in young adults and adults going through life transitions and general anxiety. Shira utilizes IFS, CBT and DBT, as well as other modalities to foster resilience, empowerment and practical skill-building in every session.
