Last week we began our article sharing that the most exhilarating moment of our week was when Nina received the mop she had ordered on Amazon.
This week, we have another highlight to share, which one can only appreciate during these times. We got a slot to have groceries delivered from ShopRite!!! It only took four tries. We were told obscure times were the best. We tried midnight—nothing; 7:15 in the morning—nothing; lo and behold at 1:30 in the afternoon we checked and there was a slot!!!! Another happy experience during these trying times! (Now we are waiting to see what will be missing from the order.)
On to the real stuff:
We chuckled loudly as we saw a post about a man who walked into his living room and noticed a woman sitting on the couch. The caption read something like: “See that woman sitting over there. She’s my wife. I just met her several weeks ago and she is really quite nice.”
Many of us are being forced to spend more time together with our spouses than we have in years. Leaving early in the morning and returning late at night when children, noise, cell phones, business and financial worries are ever present leaves little time for discourse between husband and wife in a peaceful setting. Although there may be items on each one’s mind that they would like to discuss, tiredness, anxiety or overall frustration with things that transpired during the day make the moment of discussion almost impossible to find. Each partner gets into bed wondering if the moment will ever return when they can communicate with each other in a peaceful and engaging manner.
This pandemic, better known as COVID-19, has toppled any semblance of normalcy, and maybe we can use it as an opportunity to reconnect in a more sensitive manner, showing more compassion and understanding of what the other partner goes through. It seems to us that in a weird way couples should be encouraged to make this disaster a positive step in improving interpersonal relations. Believe it or not, some actually feel that the pleasure or burden of parenting (depending upon how you look at it) is the responsibility of one parent only. There are homes where a father may have more direct involvement with the children than their mother, but generally it is the other way around.
Kids are Zooming, working parents are Zooming, babies are crying and dogs are barking. What’s the best way to maintain sanity and still remember the love that you felt when you met, which hopefully has grown throughout your married life? There is no couple that does not dislike each other every once in a while in good times, so imagine the challenge that we all feel today. We are either forced to spend endless amounts of time together, or we see one partner arriving home from the workplace to the other partner, who has been Zooming for work while at the same time coordinating three or four children’s iPads, snacks, lunches, etc.
Some of our suggestions might seem very simplistic, but how many have actually done them? Coming home totally stressed out from work to what you can expect will be a carnival situation actually works better if you walk into the house with a bouquet of flowers! We know it is not easy to get from place to place these days and there are so many restrictions on all of us, but how about delivery? All of our local businesses are suffering and would be thrilled to meet the needs of tired, frustrated husbands by sending flowers to their wives with the intent of at least putting a hint of a smile on their faces. (By the way, we cannot imagine that men would be averse to receiving flowers from their wives as well.)
How many women are cooking their husband’s favorite meals or ordering in the food that he would like best instead of thinking of what they would prefer? Ladies are joking about the fact that they have not changed into regular day clothes for weeks, and certainly makeup is forgotten. Tichels have become the norm and there seems to be no need to “dress up” for the lack of exposure to anyone. Ladies, let’s remember that the person that we should be pleasing the most is that man who sleeps next to you and is the father to your children.
As tired as we all are psychologically and physically it is imperative to take the time to talk to each other. Do not begin any conversation with a problem to discuss. Try this as an exercise: Begin the conversation by remembering an event that made you both happy together. Did you once see something happen that made the two of you laugh hysterically privately that no one else would understand? Do you remember how you experienced an amazing feeling of awe while holding your first child? Do you remember the person who gave you the most support when you were worried about an illness of yourself, your family or your children? Allow yourself the time to reminisce and cry or laugh. There is a certain catharsis in these moments, upon recalling these events, which bring a warmth with either a tear or a smile.
We are not in any way insinuating that this plague that we are living through is easy. However, it is up to each of us to work on making it the best that it can be at the moment. That means having a bad day and being supported by a spouse and doing the same for them on a different day. We used to have a rule that only one of us could be miserable at a time. We needed to remind each other that if one of us kvetched and complained on a Monday, the next day would be the other person’s day to complain and share problems. We need to give each other the time to feel that we are totally present, excluding any amount of dissatisfaction that we are feeling at the moment. Concentrate on only one thing: helping each other out.
Even if it means tripping over toys and leaving dirty dishes in the sink, we would enjoy having a glass of wine together at the end of the day. Looking each other in the eyes and saying a l’chaim with an additional “I love you” worked wonders for us.
We think you can try it!
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at [email protected].
