The term “parenting” emerged in the U.S. during the 1950s and started to become commonly used by the 1970s. With this development, the noun “parent” could also function as a verb. More importantly, this transition marked the beginning of a new era, the one we live in now, in which parents feel the compulsion to actively “parent” rather than simply being parents. It introduced the idea that we must “get it right,” bringing with it all those associated stresses.
By 2023, the concept of “parenting” as a verb actually seems excessive at times. The pressures modern parents face are clear to most people, and this intensity is reflected in children who, over recent decades, have shown a marked rise in mental health challenges. In the midst of overwhelm, one might reflect, “Is the complexity we’ve associated with parenting truly necessary?”
I strongly believe that simplifying our approach can lead to a more fulfilling parenting journey and here are five strategies to help achieve that.
Give Kids Time: In today’s instant gratification society, we’ve grown accustomed to quick results. Hungry? Microwave a meal in minutes. Need something? It’s swiftly delivered to our doorstep. Bored? Instant entertainment is just a swipe away. Unfortunately, these rapid-fire expectations often spill over into our parenting. If a toddler isn’t walking by a certain age, we reach out to a PT. Our child struggles during playdates, we rush to sign up for a social skills group. When our child is unable to do what we believe he/she “should’’ be able to, we throw our hands up in frustration.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should ignore red flags that require interventions and sharing concerns with your child’s pediatrician is important. We do, however, need to ask ourselves questions: what is behind the impatience? Could it be stemming from our own anxiety rather than something that needs to be addressed in our child? Do we find ourselves comparing our child to their peers and being concerned by other people’s perceptions? Children are highly intuitive. They can sense when their parents harbor anxieties about their development and these feelings can be internalized, leading the child to feel as if they’re falling short or that they’re not enough. It’s crucial to remember that the pace of every child’s development is unique.
Set Our Children Up for Success: A child’s behavior, or misbehavior, is really an attempt to communicate with us. Their inability to formulate into words what they want to tell us is what leads to “acting out.” I came across a post in a moms’ group on Facebook where a distraught mother described her children as “terrible” children who frequently resorted to physical aggression with her and with each other. She was desperate and seeking advice. The usual suggestions poured in: establish a reward system, enforce consequences consistently, assert authority, take the kids to therapy, and so forth. However, the comment that received a thumbs up from me was from a mom who shared, “When my kids were little, they spent their time outside, playing and riding their bikes.” Addressing our children’s “misbehavior” is akin to determining various methods to extinguish a fire, when the emphasis should be on preventing the fire from igniting in the first place.
Develop Our Parental Intuition: While there’s a comforting aspect to the abundance of parenting advice available today, this deluge can often lead to information overload and subsequent overwhelm. Relying too heavily on “experts” can inadvertently suppress our innate parental intuition, which, when heeded, can bolster our confidence and reduce stress. I vividly recall that when my oldest was a newborn, strictly adhering to a book’s advice to nurse him on a schedule every three hours — even if it meant letting him cry. Now, standing at almost 6’ foot 2”, he clearly didn’t go hungry. Yet, I’m still astounded at how I let an “expert” overshadow my maternal instincts. Moreover, with so much advice often contradicting each other, it’s no wonder many parents end up exasperated, uncertain of which guidance to trust. We are endowed with natural parental instincts and it’s crucial to believe in ourselves and trust that these instincts are guiding us correctly.
Prioritize Our Own Needs: To effectively care for our children, we must first care for ourselves. The adage, “put on your own oxygen mask first” might sound clichéd, but it holds a profound truth. While modern society often prioritizes a child-centric approach, this can be detrimental for both parents and their kids. Certainly, children deserve quality time with their parents, but constantly prioritizing their happiness at our own expense can lead to burnout and overwhelm. It’s easy for our identity to become so intertwined with our role as a parent that we lose sight of our individuality. Taking moments for introspection, pursuing personal passions, and engaging in adult conversations are crucial. To be the best parent, we first need to be our best self.
Treat Our Child How We Want to Be Treated: How different would our world look if every parent embraced this philosophy? Surely, it would be a kinder, more loving place. Imagine if adults faced the same treatment many children endure. How would you feel if your boss reprimanded you, saying, “I heard about your snarky comment to a coworker. Go apologize right now.” Or, what if you were placed in a corner to “reflect on your actions?” Consider the hurt of seeking assistance from your spouse, only to hear, “You can get it yourself.” Admittedly, applying this principle can be challenging. Often, we impulsively react to our children’s actions instead of responding with empathy. Yet, if we take a moment to pause and ask ourselves, “Is this how I would want to be treated?” and the answer is “no,” then we can take a few deep breaths, recalibrate and choose a more empathetic response.
In an era saturated with parenting advice and interventions for children, it’s tempting to believe that more is better, often leading us down a convoluted path. Yet, the true essence of parenting is beautifully simple: unconditional love. While there’s value in strategies and techniques, it’s the unwavering, deep-seated love for our children that stands paramount. This love not only shapes and nurtures their souls but also simplifies our parenting journey. By focusing on this foundational element, challenges find their solutions and complexities fade. As we navigate the myriad facets of parenthood, let’s remember that what our children need most is to be loved unconditionally. And don’t forget to love yourself unconditionally as well.
Rivka Stern, a licensed occupational therapist and parenting coach, specializes in helping parents understand and support their children to mitigate challenging behaviors. Rivka offers free 30-minute consultations for new clients. Learn more at www.invitecalm.com.
