Recap: Eight-year-old Ilana H. was a child who exhausted her parents and teachers. She couldn’t sit still or focus in school, constantly demanded toys and clothes, and didn’t respect rules and limits.

We set out to stop giving Ilana negative attention for misbehavior and to lavish her with positive attention for good behavior,even if we had to creatively seek things to praise. The idea was to reset her image of herself from a troublemaker to a sweet, fun, creative girl who could respect the rules in school and play nicely with her peers. After a month, things seemed to be improving slowly.

Week Five

Ilana’s mother walked into our session glowing. “Ilana got invited to two friends’ houses this week!” she reported. “Other children are showing they like her!”

We talked about whether this development was just a fluke, or if there has been a real shift in Ilana’s behavior. “It doesn’t matter, really,” I said. “We can build success from any event. Let’s think of ways to build Ilana from this.”

We brainstormed, producing ideas like saying, “Gee, Ilana, these invitations mean the girls really enjoy being with you! You’re fun, and you’re flexible about what to play.”

Mr. H. mentioned that he had begun using the word “reset” with all his children, setting boundaries in a clear, non-negative way. Recently, his parents invited Mr. and Mrs. H., Ilana, and her older sister to dinner at a fancy restaurant. “I couldn’t imagine Ilana behaving herself for an entire evening,” he said. “But I used the opportunity to teach Ilana and her sister about rules. In nice restaurants, no one can jump or run or yell. We had a great discussion, and both girls behaved in exemplary fashion.”

“Amazing!” I said. “You were calm, matter-of-fact, and clear, and Ilana followed. You’re on the way!”

We moved on to speak about school, and reaching out to Ilana’s teacher. The H.’s can share that they’ve been trying a new approach at home which seems helpful. They can ask the teacher to clarify which rules Ilana needs to adhere to.

Week Six

It seems that progress is always two steps forward, one step back.

Ilana’s mother came in on the verge of tears. “We had a meeting at the school,” she said. “The principal summoned us. She thinks Ilana should be evaluated and maybe put on a medication like Ritalin.”

Mrs. H. was frustrated. “Ilana is doing so well at home!” she said. “I almost lost it! I told the principal, ‘I’m not medicating her, at least for now. I’m not totally opposed, but she is responding so well to NHA at home. I realize she can be challenging, but she needs to be built up and reinforced for her strengths.’”

“We do that as much as we can,” the principal countered. “But it’s taking too much out of the teachers. Honestly, there aren’t that many positive moments to reinforce.”

Mrs. H. shot back, “Well, please find those moments! Ilana needs positive connection. She’s good at recess and gym and arts and crafts. We don’t want to medicate unless it’s absolutely necessary. At home she is really improving when we’re clear about our expectations.”

I listened to all this with growing respect for Mrs. H. “What an advocate you are!” I said. “Did the principal get angry? Did she seem open?”

“She agreed to give it more time,” she said.

Week Seven

This week, Ilana’s parents had better news from school. Ilana’s teacher sent home a positive note about the way Ilana was doing her work and staying focused, and mentioned that she did a great job on her journal assignment!

At home, Ilana continued to respond better. She was more flexible and cooperative, and the other children also responded well to NHA methods. In school, the teacher had become open to learning from the H.’s successes. She established clear rules with Ilana: No slime or goo, and no leaving class without permission. While things weren’t perfect, they were much better than before.

The teacher seemed excited to work as a team to help Ilana thrive. She laughed as the H.’s acknowledged that working with Ilana can be a struggle, admitting, “Ilana’s a firecracker!”

There are always intense, firecracker kids in the classroom, with the potential to set off the others. Teachers, like parents, just need tools and support.

We spoke about recognizing the teacher for her cooperation and willingness to go the extra mile. Mrs. H. proposed writing a thank you note, and sending the principal a note about Ilana’s progress.

Week Eight

Ilana’s parents reported that they were feeling more and more confident about setting rules and limits, including bedtime and homework time. When they were very clear, Ilana was better able to comply. For example, after they told her she was only allowed to come into their room after 7:00 a.m., they observed her looking at her digital clock and waiting.

Ilana still asked often for clothing and toys. But when Mrs. H. would remind her, “Ilana, that bracelet you asked for is already on the wish list,” she would stop.

In school, there were no more requests for meetings. Ilana responded to greater clarity from her teacher, who became so interested in NHA that she took my training and saw good results with other students.

Ilana was getting lots of playdates, which made everybody happy and helped build her up.

As we concluded our last session, I did a quick review with them of what we’d learned and accomplished. “We began by understanding how our words, interactions, and energy craft a child’s image of who they are,” I said. “We decide what to notice and focus on, and to stop giving energy to negativity with lectures, reprimands, warnings, and even loving discussions. Negative behaviors like sending a child out of the classroom only escalate bad behavior.

“Instead, we built a toolbox of emotional nutrition. We show our children evidence that they have the strengths we want to see. We don’t wait for success. We become creative in finding and connecting to the child’s inner spark.

“We learned to get clear with our expectations, limits, and rules. It’s not about punishment, but setting limits without anger or negativity.”

Mr. and Mrs. H. celebrated their own hard work and dedication. “It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it,” Mrs. H. said. “Before, I always felt like a policeman, giving tickets for bad behavior. Now I’m giving tickets for greatness! I feel more like a coach.” Mr. H. said, “My wife has been incredible. This has been life-changing!”

Our discussion reset me to my own personal vision, and why I do this work. It gives me such joy to walk parents through a new path, empowering them to help their children uncover the strengths within and set them on course for lifelong healthy relationships. It allows parents and their children to bring menucha and sunshine into their lives. NHA, for me, has been a gift for which I will forever be grateful.

All names and details have been changed to ensure confidentiality.

Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine.

Yael Walfish, LCSW, empowers parents to help their children navigate their intense emotions and thrive. An experienced therapist, she is also the author of three therapeutic children’s books. Contact Yael at Yaelee@gmail.com or CenterForGreatness.com.