Case One: Shayna The Storm Cloud

Dr. and Mrs. S. were highly educated people at the top of their fields. But the one thing they couldn’t master was their 7-year-old daughter Shayna. Strange as it may sound, Shayna was capable of reducing her compassionate, well-meaning parents to tears. With her tantrums and rebelliousness, she had become a tyrant whose explosive moods were making family life intolerable. The family constantly felt they were walking on eggshells around Shayna.

Shayna wouldn’t listen to her parents. She refused to brush her teeth or her hair. She never did her homework. Shayna’s less troublesome three older sisters were always fighting with her because she would walk into their rooms whenever she pleased, touch their things, and disturb their time with friends. Anyone who opposed Shayna found themselves treated to a full-fledged tantrum with screaming and yelling.

Meeting with me was their last hope before …what? Oh gosh, I thought. Hashem, please help me help this family!

When I first met Shayna’s parents, her mother began to cry as she described the atmosphere in their home. “She’s impossible!” she sobbed. “Nothing works with her, not being mean, not being nice! I had to cut down my work schedule drastically just because of her behavior.”

Shayna’s father was just fed up. He said, “I think we simply need to send her away! She’s destroying our whole family life!”

They said they felt like they’d tried everything, but nothing was working.

Was there anything Shayna did nicely? I asked. When I asked mom when she was at her best, the response was, “NEVER. Nothing works.”

But with a little gentle prying, I learned that Shayna did well in school and there were no complaints despite her neglect of her homework. She liked singing, and when mother told her it was time for a lesson she would go right away.

That gave me one small bit of strength and hope to hold onto. I knew we could build on that, although it would take some work. But before I could turn Shayna around, I needed to turn around her parents’ despair and discouragement.

It was time to reset this family, beginning with Dr. and Mrs. S. I now told them, “We can stop blaming ourselves. Shayna’s behavior isn’t happening because of you. Intense children simply do not respond to typical methods. We’re going to learn and integrate a new approach.”

Mom and Dad looked skeptical. They clearly had little belief in my process.

I understood that this whole family had been striving to work around Shayna’s tantrums. Now, I told Dr. and Mrs. S., we were going to flip the script! No more tiptoeing around tantrums. Shayna would no longer dominate the family just because she was explosive.

“Together we are going to help Shayna build a new image,” I said. “Right now, all she is hearing is negativity. We need to minimize the negativity and focus on the positive.”

Shayna has come to see herself as angry, oppositional, and unfocused. She needs a reset too, but any change has to start with her parents. Together, we needed to help Shayna find her strengths.

Next, I threw out some ideas. “We’re going to try to build Shayna through a language of emotional nutrition,” I said. “When we begin to recognize her strengths and show her that is who she is, she’ll become the kind, compassionate, obedient, responsible child we want her to be.”

I asked Mom and Dad what positive things they wished Shayna knew about herself. They were able to come up with a short list. “She’s kind,” Mrs. S. admitted. “She’s bright and creative.”

But I could feel the hopelessness in her tone. It came across almost as disinterest. “I don’t think this is going to work,” she said.

“I get it,” I reassured Mrs. S. “You’ve been working yourself around Shayna, tying yourself into knots. Yet things are still not getting better and it must be exhausting.”

“And torturous,” Mom added.

I took them through a little role play. Mom played “Sarah,” a 12-year-old. Things are challenging for Sarah. Kids and teachers are always saying mean things. Dad was given two sets of cards. The first deck was for pointing out all the negative things Sarah was doing like, “You keep hitting the snooze button and you won’t be ready for school on time! Why aren’t you getting up and out of bed?” The second set of cards contained all the positive things. “Sarah, I appreciate how much effort you put into your assignment! It shows your thoughtfulness and effort!” Mom, as “Sarah,” reacted to the comments.

After that little role play Mrs. S. avowed, “The first set of comments would probably really hurt Shayna. And we say things like that all the time. But we have no choice. She is just so difficult! I’m not sure these words are going to help. She keeps waking me up at night, she doesn’t let me work. I’m not sure if we can find anything good to say to her.”

I told Mom and Dad, “We cannot and will not wait for good moments to happen. We will create them. For example, when you call her for singing class and she comes right away, you can tell her, ‘Shayna, I appreciate that you listened and came right away. You are quick and responsible and that is super helpful!’”

I mentioned to them that I’d written a book entitled “Menucha for Menucha,” about a little girl just like Shayna, who was always throwing tantrums. I was hoping that through my book I could somehow reach Shayna and maybe her parents as well. The hour was up, so we said goodbye and booked the next appointment….

All names and details have been changed to ensure confidentiality. Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine.

Yael Walfish, LCSW, empowers parents to help their children navigate their intense emotions and thrive. An experienced therapist and parenting coach, she is also the author of three therapeutic children’s books. Contact Yael at yaelee@gmail.com or centerforgreatness.com.