Dr. and Mrs. S. came for counseling about their explosive, uncontrollable daughter Shayna. We resolved to start focusing on what she does right, not what she does wrong.

Week 2: Spark

As Mr. and Mrs. S. arrived for the second session, I indulged in a minute of magical thinking: Shayna is better, her tantrums have disappeared. Yet I knew it would take time. When I saw Dr. and Mrs. S.’s faces as they came in, I knew no magic had transpired yet.

When I asked if any shifts had happened since our last session, I saw a small smile on Mom’s face. “What success, if any, have you seen?” I asked.

Mrs. S. replied, “Well, we bought your book, ‘Menucha for Menucha.’ How did you write a book about Shayna? And she likes it! It almost seems like she’s aware that she has a storm cloud over her head.”

I was so happy to hear this. It gave me a way to start connecting to Shayna and her parents too. As they read to her, they would hopefully learn to use the approach depicted in the book: Stop reinforcing negativity, set boundaries, and accentuate the positive. Since my job is to help Shayna’s parents believe in themselves, so they can start believing in her, I built them up for that effort. “You ordered the book and read it to her,” I said. “You are clearly open to doing anything to help Shayna.

“The Menucha character in my book represents the majority of children I meet. They are spunky and fun, yet when things don’t go their way, they have this storm cloud that gathers over their heads, and they don’t know how to send it away.”

We spent the session talking about Menucha and how her parents helped her change.

I think we’re on the way! Dr. and Mrs. S. are starting to warm up to this approach.

Week 3: Attitude Change

This week Dr. and Mrs. S. came in looking upbeat. Mom wasn’t crying and said she was hopeful. They are seeing some success! Mom is trying to create a culture of kindness in the home. Every night they read ‘Menucha for Menucha’ to Shayna, and she seems to really like it and identify with Menucha.

Mrs. S. mentioned that there were still challenges. Shayna was still hitting when she was angry. She would run into her sister’s room. Mrs. S. would try to hug her to reset.

Now Mrs. S. told me about Shayna’s strange behavior with her bed. “I bought a pretty daybed just for her,” she said. “But instead of sitting or lying on her bed, she likes to squeeze her body in between the bed and the wall.” As she said this, I replied, “It looks like Shayna likes tight spaces to reset. That must be her spot. Do you think we can help her see it that way? We could say, ‘Shayna, it looks like squeezing in that tight space helps you reset. Is that your reset corner?”

I could feel Shayna’s mom resetting her attitude. The behavior she detests is a functional habit for Shayna that helps her calm down. Mom’s mind was shifting away from negativity, and that’s great. It will make Shayna feel less threatened and more loved.

Weeks 4-6: A Step Back, a Step Ahead

Well, setbacks are inevitable. During our fourth session, Dr. and Mrs. S. reported they were not seeing success.

“Shayna wakes up at 4:30 a.m.,” Mrs. S. complained. “There is so much stress in the house! The after-school babysitter is so stressed from Shayna. She needs positive reinforcement for every interaction. She doesn’t care about showering or brushing her hair, even with rewards.”

We spoke more about how to cut short any negativity and play up anything good Shayna did, to help her feel valued and capable. By the fifth week, things were really starting to move. Mrs. S. told me, “Shayna is better. She is actually being cute! She’s responding, and we feel empowered. Now we see her brushing her teeth and hair every day.” Mrs. S. was still seeing her snuggling in between her bed and the wall. It used to drive her crazy, but now she was able to see that Shayna uses that spot to reset herself.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing, yet Shayna’s parents were handling the difficult moments better. “She went to a playdate the other day, and when her father came to pick her up she had a meltdown,” Mrs. S. said. “But her father was clear with her, and she even calmed herself and went home. It was upsetting and miraculous at the same time!”

By the time we met for our final session, it seemed clear that Shayna was doing better, and her parents were doing better too. She actually hugged her parents sometimes when she saw them. They saw her being kind at times, listening nicely, and leaving her sisters’ rooms when asked.

“You don’t do this anymore,” they would tell her when she threatened to have a blowup. Sometimes she would giggle as she remembered that’s not who she is anymore.

Mom was able to go back to work. She even wrote me a testimonial, saying she thought there might be others who need help and who think, as she once did, that nothing will work. I felt chills as I read: “Working with Yael gave me parent coaching I will never forget, because she taught me life lessons that have changed my family for the better. I am a happier and better mother because of Yael and the Nurtured Heart Approach. Yael’s enthusiastic, optimistic nature made the whole program a pleasure to learn while also realizing our own capabilities.”

Week by week, as we built up Shayna, we still saw some challenges. But we saw so much more success.

Takeaways for Parents:

• We must reset to believing in our children.
• We need to look for any sliver of success and build on it
• We must create a language of emotional nutrition.

All names and details have been changed to ensure confidentiality. Reprinted with permission from Binah Magazine

Yael Walfish, LCSW, is a therapist based in Passaic. She works with parents of children who are explosive, oppositional and anxious. She and her husband also train and support educators in an approach called NHA that transforms intense behavior and helps children thrive.