After the creation of Adam and Chava, the Torah says “Al Ken Yaazov Ish Es Oviv Ves Imo, Vdovak B’ishto Vhoyu L’vosor Echod”—therefore a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife and they shall became as one flesh.” It might seem appropriate if the Torah would say that when he marries, a man will have to leave or at least minimize his nights out with the guys, or perhaps his obsession with basketball, baseball, football, etc., or certainly leave behind his former girlfriends, but leave (or at least minimize) his interaction with his parents?
Marriage isn’t just a new roommate, or even a new best friend. It is qualitatively different from whatever came before. It is not just a new relationship, it is cleaving unto ones other half and becoming as one flesh. It is unlike any connection that came before and hopefully any that will come after. And that is where the difficulty (and ultimately, beauty) comes from. It isn’t just sharing a bank account or at least control over money. It isn’t just sharing a bed (or beds). It isn’t somehow just coming to terms with lessening ones connection with museums (or increasing it) or a million other things, it is a bond unlike any other. And in some strange way, it is struggling with this new partner to overcome the annoying and sometimes crazy making struggles that are frequently a part of marriage.
One of the most difficult and often, important, things that marriage entails is forming a different relationship with parents. And what that new connection will be like, is often determined by one’s spouse. Sometimes a spouse will love and become closer to his/her partner’s parents that he/she was with their own. Sometimes they will be able to overlook or at least tolerate the peccadillos of the partner’s relation with his/ her parents. But sometimes, that connection is so upsetting to the spouse, that it drives them crazy. And even though it is important that one attempt to maintain a respectful relationship with parents, sometimes that is impossible without seriously undercutting the marriage itself. When that happens, the couple can try to work through such extreme difficulties with the help of a therapist or Rabbi. But in the final analysis, THE MARRIAGE ALWAYS COMES FIRST! If that involves moving away from parents, ending a business relation with them or having only minimal contact with them, then regretfully, that is what must be done.
Please feel free to contact me regarding this (or any) topic. You can do so anonymously by writing to morde[email protected]. Dr. Glick was a clinical psychologist in private practice for 35 years as well as the rabbi of Congregation Ahavat Yisrael in Montreal. If you would like to submit a question, or contact him for an appointment, he can be reached at mordechaiglick@ gmail.com or by calling him at 201-983-1532.
By Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Glick
