Rochel Goldbaum of Ottawa addressed the sisterhood of Congregation Beth Aaron last week, at the home of Rochelle Mandelbaum. Born and raised in Englewood, Goldbaum (nee Abramowitz) had many friends in Teaneck as a youth, and even celebrated her bat mitzvah at Beth Aaron. Settling with her husband, Yisroel, and their seven children in Ottawa, Goldbaum speaks on behalf of Mikvah USA, the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation, JET, and gives parenting, shidduch, self-growth and kallah classes. In searching for an inspirational speaker for the Beth Aaron sisterhood, Deena Fisher, a friend of Goldbaum from when both families lived in Philadelphia, said, “Rochel was such a meaningful figure in our lives in Philadelphia that when I heard that she would be in the Teaneck area I wanted the women of our community to have an opportunity to be inspired by her wisdom and talent.”
Goldbaum’s presentation provided the following steps to follow in helping ourselves and others get through hard times.
Don’t Fix or Flee
Often we feel paralyzed when our family member or friend is in pain. Our first reaction is often to FLEE—avoid contact, retreat, pretend it isn’t happening. Others jump right in with a need to FIX—provide advice, suggestions, questions. Neither FIX nor FLEE is helpful!
Humility and Stability
What we can best offer to a friend in pain is our humble admission that we cannot fix the problem, that we have no easy solutions. However, assurances that we are here for you and will be throughout your travail will offer comfort and consolation.
The W.I.L.L. Method
Be a Wall. Be constant, unswerving, reliable, strong, loyal, and always available to your friend.
Repeat your message of “I’m here for you.”
Listen. Listen actively without planning a comeback. Be humble in your listening. Accept tears without embarrassment. Tears are the words of the soul.
Little by Little. Help your friend to slow down, reduce predictions of gloom and doom. Plan ahead one step at a time. Make plans for the next 20 minutes or small chunks of time which are manageable and predictable. Take life in increments, one step at a time.
Hashem’s Suitcase
Each of us was granted a packed suitcase at birth. Within that suitcase are all the necessities for our own particular lives. Look into your own suitcase for what you need to get through trying times.
Words to Eliminate
Never ask for things to be “normal.” Normal is a setting on the washing machine, not a realistic human condition. Don’t yearn for normalcy. There is no such thing.
Eliminate the word “can’t” from your vocabulary. Better to say, “I’m not comfortable in this situation. It has put me outside my comfort zone.”
Look into Your Pantry
When looking to bake those special chocolate chip cookies, don’t fret that you forgot to buy the chocolate chips or that the person you instructed to buy them forgot. Look into the pantry for what you do have and proceed accordingly. You will find that you do have the ingredients to make something special. Look carefully for them.
Wait Before You Speak
In dealing with the difficult people in our lives, understand that they are to be pitied for they are riding around in “emotional wheelchairs.” Don’t lash out at them with words we cannot withdraw. WAIT. Daven for the energy that we can channel into helping these needy individuals.
Lamah Versus Le’Mah
Finally, despite your pain, if you can resist asking lamah, why me, but instead ask le’mah, for what purpose, perhaps you will be comforted by knowing that in Hashem’s larger scheme there lies a purpose for everything. Pray for the wisdom and clarity to see this purpose.
Rochel Goldbaum, a personal mentor and inspirational speaker, can be reached at 613-282-7658 or at [email protected].
By Pearl Markovitz
