This week, in honor of Shavuot, we present fun facts about cheese, brought to you by the American Cheese Society:

1. 1. Clarification: That’s “American Cheese Society,” not “American-Cheese Society.” This is a real thing. It’s a society devoted to cheese made in America, not a society devoted to American Cheese.
2. 2. There are over 2,000 varieties of cheese. This means that if I listed them all here, I would have a large enough total word count and I can go back to bed.
3. 3. Most of us don’t understand cheese. We have some basic idea that cheese is what happens when you let milk get old, but whenever we let milk get old, it never becomes something we’d want to eat. So were pretty sure we’re missing some kind of crucial step here.
4. 4. The Pilgrims included cheese in their supplies on the Mayflower. They polished it off on Day One.
5. 5. It did not help with the seasickness.
6. 6. Most cheeses are made with rennet, which is the stomach lining of an animal. Most kosher cheeses are made with a vegetarian rennet substitute, which is made from the stomach of a carrot.
7. 7. No one’s sure who invented cheese. The prevailing theory is that someone was traveling with a bag of milk (back then milk came in bags, like in Israel, except that they were made from the stomach of an animal). After enough time, the milk got warm enough and reacted with the stomach lining, and by the time the guy opened his bag, he found that it had separated into curds and whey. The guy tasted it anyway, because if you’re already storing your milk in the stomach of an animal, a few curds aren’t going to deter you. And he found that the curds were delicious, especially with pineapple.
8. 8. Once a year in England, there’s an event called the “Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling” near Gloucester (the town), in which they roll a nine-pound wheel of Gloucester (the cheese) down a hill, and people chase after it. The first person to the bottom of the hill wins the cheese, if he still wants it.
9. 9. They used to do this the Monday after Shavuot, but now they do it on the Spring Bank Holiday. That way, the bankers can make it.
10. 10. In general, no one ever beats the cheese to the bottom. But if anyone does, there are ambulances ready.
11. 11. There have to be ambulances, because there are always injuries. In fact, no one has ever made it to the bottom of the hill without falling.
12. 12. It doesn’t help that the grass is always wet in England.
13. 13. In 1997, for example, 33 people were injured.
14. 14. Also, one year, the cheese went off course and took out a bystander.
15. 15. You don’t actually have to leap off a cliff to get cheese. You can actually make cheese from the comfort of your own home, provided you don’t mind the smell. “Comfort” is a strong word.
16. 16. To get a nine-pound wheel of cheese, you have to start with about 90 gallons of milk.
17. 17. It turns out that cheese is not made by aging milk. It’s made by heating up milk and adding things. That thing that people call “aged cheese” is actually aged after it’s made.
18. 18. There’s no way that aged cheese was invented on purpose.
19. 19. I don’t even think it was tasted on purpose. (“What was that?” “I don’t know. But I think we have to wait six hours now.”)
20. 20. Typical things you need to make cheese at home include citric acid, rennet or some kind of rennet substitute, fresh milk, a huge milchig pot, various strainers, a microwave, a cheese press and a cheese cloth, of course. And a really supportive family.
21. 21. You’ll also need a meat thermometer. But not a fleishig one.
22. 22. I personally am afraid to make my own cheese, but then, I’m afraid to taste any milk that I’m not 100 percent sure is good. In fact, if I give it to someone else to taste, and it takes him a second to think before he answers, I don’t drink it.
23. 23. Most homemade cheeses come in a lump that looks fairly unappetizing. Appetizing cheese comes in wheels or squares or a log that you peel to make thinner strands. Every picture of homemade cheese that I’ve ever seen looks like they dropped it.
24. 24. Also, at some point during the cheese-making process, it’s going to occur to you that “fresh milk” doesn’t mean milk that you just recently bought in a store.
25. 25. To make cheese, first you boil the milk, very slowly, stirring the whole time so it doesn’t develop a film, and monitoring its temperature with your milchig meat thermometer. Then you add your curdling agents, and the milk magically separates into curds and whey.
26. 26. Look out for spiders.
27. 27. Contrary to popular belief, mice don’t particularly like cheese. Where would they have picked this up? Do you think there are instances of mice slowly boiling milk in the wild?
28. 28. Your plan is that, as soon as you finish reading this article, you’re going to go get a slice of cheese. If you haven’t already.

By Mordechai Schmutter

 Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia, among other papers. He also has six books out and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].