The Midrash in this week’s parsha discusses a man who could’ve been easily ranked as the number-one most ferocious and intimidating person to roam this earth. A ruler of the entire world indeed, Nebuchadnezzar’s reign was so powerful and fearsome that the Gemara (Shabbat 149b) testifies: “All the days of the rasha’s rule, not a single person ever laughed.” His presence was so terrifying, the Gemara says, that when he was sent to Gehinnom, everyone there trembled, saying, “Maybe he is coming to rule over us.” Based on such a description of achievements, we would think, “This person probably felt so good about himself.” Yet, the Midrash points to the contrary: “Hashem gave Nebuchadnezzar rulership over the entire world, but he was not happy with his lot [“לא היה שמח בחלקו”]…he would look at himself and became embarrassed of himself in front of other people; why was that? Because he was short.”

I had two questions on this Midrash. 1) Why was Nebuchadnezzar insecure just because he was short? The amount of power and wealth he had should make anyone glee without stop, and not care about something like his height and what other people think about him! 2) The Midrash seems to indicate that Nevuchadnezzar was self-conscious because he was not שמח בחלקו, happy with his lot. What’s the connection?

The answer to these questions are within the questions themselves. Meaning, we see from this Midrash that even someone who may have the world in the palm of his hands, an absolute ruler with worldwide fame, glory and wealth, even such a person can feel insecure about himself. Even someone of this sort can be self-conscious. We may believe that materialism, wealth and control over others can help us feel at peace with ourselves, but the truth is that self-esteem can’t be gained by externalities. Indeed, Pirkei Avot considers someone who is samech b’chelko as a “rich person,” perhaps because if he is happy with himself he does not need wealth to compensate. He has the finished product: peace with himself. Additionally, it seems clear from this Midrash that being “happy with one’s lot” is not just an idea that relates to one being satisfied with his possessions and other things he has in his life. But rather, the Midrash seems to clearly indicate that being “sameach b’chelko” applies directly to the entirety of a person’s makeup. It means being satisfied with all of oneself—even that which he may not like. Nevuchadnezzar was not satisfied with his height, and he was in the category of one who is not sameach b’chelko.

So how can one feel good about oneself despite recognizing that he indeed has shortcomings that displease him? How can one be sameach b’chelko, i.e., happy with the way Hashem made him?

Much of what causes dissatisfaction with oneself can stem from an internal struggle. While a person may recognize the reality of his shortcoming(s), that may not necessarily cause discomfort. Rather, what might truly be at the root of the dissatisfaction is a person fighting against the way they are: “Why am I this way?” “Why do I look like this?” “Why do I have these thoughts?!” “Why can’t I do this?!” and much of the other negative self-talk and self-doubt we impose upon ourselves. We might oppose who we are, and much of our energy is focused on trying to battle that which we may believe is bad.

Sometimes it’s not really practical to tell someone “you should be happy with the way Hashem made you.” Instead, sometimes all it takes is for one to just accept who he is: “While I understand that I can always improve (assuming it’s an area that can indeed be improved), I recognize and accept that this is simply who I am.” In fact, Rabbeinu Yona on the idea of sameach b’chelko says that this is a reference to one who says “my lot suffices.” Seemingly, according to Rabbeinu Yona, it’s just a matter of being satisfied with one’s lot: This is what I have, and it’s sufficient. So too when it comes to oneself. One just needs to accept and reflect that “who I am suffices.”

Binyamin Benji is a graduate of Yeshivat Rabbeinu Yitzchak Elchanan and Wurzweiler School of Social Work. He currently learns in Brooklyn and is the author of the Sephardic Congregation of Paramus’ weekly Torah Talk. He can be reached at [email protected].