Too many articles today claim to reveal the “secrets” of a good marriage. The goal of this article is to elucidate the seven vital elements of a good marriage, and they are not secrets.

Trust

Trust is first and foremost. When trust is established, it incorporates all the other essential elements. You trust that your partner will show you empathy, be your best friend and will keep you safe. You expect your partner to demonstrate genuine respect, recognize your mistakes and forgive them. You trust that you will both value physical and emotional intimacy. As part of loving you, your spouse will display the three good A’s: affection, appreciation and admiration.

Trust expert Rachel Botsman illustrates trust as the bridge between the known and the unknown over a river of uncertainty. Trust, like a bridge, must be built. The other essential elements are friendship, safety, empathy, respect, forgiveness and romance.

Friendship

Friendship is an infinitely more stabilizing basis for marriage than romance. Get good at friendship before you even think about falling in love (Frank Pittman, MD). Friendship for most people is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect and trust. True friendship is clearly demonstrated when someone knows you better than yourself and takes a position in your best interests in a crisis.

Safety

There are four types of safety: The first, physical safety, is a bedrock requirement for a healthy marriage. There must be no threat of physical harm or intimidation by either party. Emotional safety requires being able to be yourself and feeling connected to your spouse. This way, each spouse can raise concerns and express vulnerabilities without fear of rejection. Commitment safety means that a couple in a thriving marriage has an abiding sense of their future together. This provides a secure attachment that benefits both them and their children. Security about the future is crucial because most people do not invest in something, whether a financial asset or a relationship, without some reasonable confidence in what is out there on the horizon. Community safety refers to the context of the marriage. Is the environment safe? Are there sufficient resources? Jobs? Are transportation and good healthcare accessible? Think of a couple as being a living plant. All other things being equal, the plant with better soil, nutrients and a mix of rain and moisture will be most likely to thrive (Scott Stanley).

Empathy

Spouses who work together as a team mean it when they say, “When you’re hurting, the world stops and I listen.” When your spouse experiences difficult emotions like anger, sadness, fear or disappointment, don’t try to cheer them up or to calm them down. Simply sit with them and offer words of understanding and support. Offering empathy will help your partner feel validated.

Respect

Rules of thumb: Respect is the first step toward civility. If you start with respect, the rest will follow. The fact that someone makes a mistake doesn’t mean they deserve disrespect. And above all, show others the respect that you wish to receive, especially by listening to your spouse.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person that is most hurt by blaming, is you. What will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event begin to fade.

Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision. Family researchers have paid too much attention to conflict and too little attention to positive interpersonal processes such as forgiveness and sacrifice in understanding marital quality and stability. You hear the phrase ‘forgive and forget’ so often that the two become equated, when in fact they have nothing to do with each other! Just because you have forgiven—and given up a desire to harm the other in return—doesn’t mean you have forgotten that the event happened.

Romance

Romance is the state that occurs when two people both nurture and encourage acts and thoughts that cherish the other as unique and irreplaceable.

Passion is the state that arises when you nurture a strong (and at times almost obsessive) interest in your partner that includes desire, curiosity, and attraction. Put romance and passion together and you have intimate trust (John Gottman).

You will do well for your marriage to remember the immortal words of the late Rabbi Ralph Pelcovitz: “Couples don’t need to think alike, but they need to think together.”

Dr. Alan Singer has been working as a marriage therapist in New Jersey and New York since 1980. He has an 80% success rate in saving marriages of couples on the brink of divorce. Dr. Singer is a Certified Discernment Counselor, and serves on the Registry of Marriage-Friendly Therapists and the Beyond Affairs Network. He is an Adjunct Professor for Touro University’s Graduate School of Social Work. He counsels via Zoom, blogs at FamilyThinking.com, and authored the book “Creating Your Perfect Family Size” (Wiley). His mantra: I’ll be the last person in the room to give up on your marriage. Married 46 years, he and his wife are the parents of four grown children. He is a frequent presenter for NEFESH International. His essays are featured in AISH.com, Jerusalem Post, Jewish Link and the Jewish Press. [email protected] (732) 572-2707