When Sherry Bensimon was a teenager living in Florida, she wanted to be a forensic pathologist. Her mother thought she was crazy. But she told her daughter to get some experience by volunteering with the chevra kadisha. “I did my first tahara at age 16,” she said, and felt a calling toward her chosen profession. Today she is the first female, frum managing funeral director of Gutterman Musicant Funeral Home in Hackensack, overseeing a team with both Jewish and non-Jewish staff members who are well-versed in Jewish funeral practices.
Bensimon sees herself and her staff as advocates for the niftar and their family. There are many details and logistics that have to be worked out behind the scenes. Sometimes there’s controversy. Since all the licensed funeral directors at Gutterman Musicant understand the specific requirements of Jewish funerals, they can give proper explanations to the authorities. The situation could be a medical examiner who wants to do an autopsy, but will defer to a Gutterman funeral director when he or she explains that an autopsy is against Jewish law. Or there’s a person who lives in New Jersey and passes away in a New York hospital. Bensimon and the funeral directors on her staff are licensed in both states and can speed up the process of getting the necessary permits to bring the niftar from New York back to New Jersey for burial. Making arrangements for a burial in Israel can be complicated with the time difference, especially if it gets close to Shabbat. “We have to think about all these things in the background,” she explained. “We try our best to make sure the family doesn’t have to worry about it. They’re dealing with their own flights and shiva and things like that.”
Helping family members make decisions is another key part of Bensimon’s position. There are situations in which some are observant and some aren’t. There can be conflict between siblings who are coming together to bury a parent. She can explain certain practices, such as kria, to someone who may not understand about cutting their clothing. “I try to explain that for shalom bayit, for the honor and kavod of your mother, let’s get along and do what’s best so you can keep the peace.” she said. There can even be differences of opinion between family members who go to different shuls and have different practices. “It’s really about taking on the role of educator, so that way the family can make a proper decision among themselves. A lot of old-fashioned funeral directors think, ‘Let the family tell me what they want and I’ll do it.’ But we are not order takers. We are educators, and we are doing this huge mitzvah, ultimately, to bury the niftar quickly so that they’re not in pain.”
The variety of Jewish family practices is something Bensimon knows about firsthand. She was brought up by an Israeli-Egyptian mother and a Moroccan father. She married an Ashkenazi man. She has brothers-in-law who are Chasidish. She did not come from a religious home, but her work with the chevra kadisha made her feel close to Hashem and she began reading and teaching herself about yiddishkeit. So she is familiar with most of the customs in the Jewish world.
One way to minimize conflict is to prearrange a funeral when you’re healthy and thinking clearly. That way the discussions and decisions are made and just have to be implemented. At Gutterman Musicant, prearrangement is also cost-effective. When you pay in advance, the charges are final. There are no additional costs at burial. Sometimes money goes back to the estate because it accrues interest. Not all funeral homes have this policy.
“Everything is all taken care of with just one phone call to us,” said Bensimon. Gutterman Musicant has a dedicated funeral director who specializes in prearrangements. The money is put in a trust, or insurance, and protected. They make a folder with information about the grave that will be used, the exact chevra kadisha, and whether the service will be at the funeral home or at the gravesite.
There is always someone available at Gutterman 24/7 for emergencies. Bensimon is on call 24/6. She is grateful for Shabbat, when she can relax and spend time with her family. Although her work can be emotionally difficult, she finds it immensely rewarding. “Our main role is to be educators and facilitators of the burial for the niftar,” she said. “We and the chevra kadisha are the last ones to give the niftar love, on behalf of the families. What an honor.”
Gutterman Musicant is located at 402 Park Street in Hackensack, New Jersey. Call 201/489-3800.
