“Children Under the Radar” will examine why it’s important for every child to be noticed.
There are all kinds of students in a class. Some are smart and sharp; they raise their hands right away to answer the teacher’s questions. Others love to make the class laugh, or behave badly to get attention. But what about those who sit quietly, appear to pay attention and don’t raise any red flags? Are they OK?
“Children Under the Radar,” the latest program in the “Inspired by Ilona” series at Congregation Shomrei Torah, will be held on Saturday night, Dec. 14 at 7:30 p.m. It will look at why it’s important for every child to be noticed and the potential consequences when teachers or counselors fail to acknowledge them. The discussion will be moderated by Rabbi Scott Kahn, host of the “Orthodox Conundrum” podcast. Panelists include Rabbi Binyamin Krauss, principal of SAR Academy; Dr. Rayzel Yaish, clinical psychologist at Ma’ayanot Yeshiva High School for Girls; and Howard Blas, senior adviser, National Ramah Tikvah Network for the Ramah Camping Movement.
Nancy Bravman, sponsor of the series along with her husband, Larry, in memory of their daughter Ilona, said the overall idea of the series is to bring awareness about children with differences of all kinds. Ilona taught her family, and everyone she knew, about recognizing strengths that aren’t apparent. Due to her disabilities, you had to get to know Ilona to realize her capabilities. “Ilona had amazing self-esteem and confidence because when people looked deeper, they saw how incredible she was,” said Bravman.
After the Bravmans brainstormed about program topics with Shomrei Torah’s Rabbi Andrew Markowitz and Rabbi Kahn, the group hit upon the importance of recognizing children under the radar, the ones who are generally quiet and sometimes ignored because they are not stars or problems. “I was one of those children,” said Nancy Bravman. “I was quiet and felt maybe I wasn’t valued or couldn’t be as successful. And now as a therapist, I see how not being noticed has an effect.”
I asked the panelists to give me some advance thoughts on what they will be speaking about. “The most important thing I can do as the moderator is to start a conversation to raise awareness that this problem exists,” said Rabbi Kahn. “I hope that we’ll get some specific skills that people can take home and use in their own lives as parents, or as teachers.” The consequence of being under the radar might be that a child has an interest or ability that is never encouraged. One example he gave is the story of J.K. Rowling, one of today’s most successful secular authors. “She was a perfectly fine, normal student and she was kind of ignored in school,” he said. “She was an introvert. And only many years later when she was at her economic wits’ end, she found that thing that had been there all along. Wouldn’t it be great if she had found it 10 or 20 years earlier because a great teacher, or some other person who could be an inspiring figure in her life, had pulled it out of her? Sometimes we need those leaders, those people who are inspiring figures in our child’s life, to draw something out. I can look at teachers who saw more in me than I saw in myself.”
Yaish noted that children can behave differently at school and at home. Parents may not realize that their lively, outgoing child is invisible in class. There are also times when the parents are aware of an interest or talent the child has and can bring it to the attention of the school. Yaish said that this week a parent told the school that their daughter is a “hero” in their synagogue because she loves taking care of a kid with disabilities. The parent asked if there was a way for her to have that experience in school. “We’re trying to find space where she can do that,” said Yaish. “She wouldn’t have thought to ask us for it, and we wouldn’t have known that was a strength for her.” The clinical psychologist cautioned that sometimes helping an under-the-radar kid can be harder than it sounds. “It’s ironic but a kid who is under the radar can inadvertently make an adult uncomfortable by not giving the feedback that others do because they’re just kind of quieter. Teachers and principals and camp people have to push themselves to get past this and say, ‘they need my help to do this.”
Camp is another world for children where they can discover new ways to shine, or be unhappy because they can’t find their niche. Blas said that camp can help a kid—who perhaps is not strong academically but has a talent for sports or art—blossom. And if the parent is on top of that, they can even direct a kid to a camp that specializes in that interest. It’s also important for parents to let the camp know when their child has an issue, instead of hiding it and hoping it will resolve itself. “If a parent tells us, ‘These are my kid’s issues,’ like maybe he’s on the autism spectrum and looks like a typical kid but doesn’t read social cues, we say, ‘Great, thank you for telling us.’ We can probably manage this. But some parents think if they mention it, the kid is going to get sent home. It’s exactly the opposite. If you tell us in advance, we can prepare for it and staff better.”
Rabbi Krauss said that the culture at SAR, an open school, facilitates interaction and engagement between the faculty and students. “Even if there are 50 students davening and an adult notices that one of them is unhappy, they can ask the student, without being pushy or prying. It makes a difference to kids that adults actually care about them,” he said. “We have kids for 40 hours a week; that’s a lot of time to get to know them. Nobody wants to be invisible.”
Understanding each person’s strengths is a mandate we get from Tanach. “We’re in the middle of the book of Breishit, which starts with the unique character of each individual in the world and their infinite value,” explained Rabbi Krauss. “If each child and each person in this world has infinite value and is also unique, then if you’re in school, we have to both recognize your infinite value and help you find your unique place and foster that. That’s part of what we hope happens for our kids within the school setting or camp setting or shul setting—whatever social setting you might be in within our community.”
The program, which will be featured on the “Orthodox Conundrum” podcast at a later date, will take place at Congregation Shomrei Torah, 19-10 Morlot Avenue in Fair Lawn and will be livestreamed. For security reasons, pre-register for in-person attendance at www.inspiredbyilona.com to facilitate entry into the building. The livestream link will be available on www.inspiredbyilona.com.
