Dear Dr. Chani,

Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy, but I just do not feel like I want to start dating yet. I am 20 years old and have been in college for two years. Most of my friends are either dating or married. I feel like the “odd one out,” but I’m hesitant to start dating.

Whenever my friends ask me if I’m dating, I feel confused and torn. Part of me wants to start. I look forward to getting married and starting my own family. But I’m also very comfortable with what I am doing now. After I graduate in a year and a half, I plan to pursue a graduate degree in a field that I love. It is great to be able to study and spend time with my friends without the restrictions of married life.

When I tell this to my friends, they think I’m abnormal. They tell me that a good way to know when to start dating is to look around. If most of my friends are dating, it’s a good indicator that I should as well. In my mind, I agree with them. But I’m afraid to jump in.

One of the important aspects of dating I’ve noticed is the difference between the way my parents dated and the way my friends date. When my parents were dating (and they were very religious), it took a while for people to find each other. That meant that you could be dating for some time before you actually found the person you were going to marry. Dating was more of a process. The current trend seems so different. Most of the people I know married the first person they dated. From what I’ve seen, there is a very high chance that when I start dating, I’ll get married very soon. I feel nervous because I don’t want to get married right away.

Am I being foolish, stuck in my ways, or immature? Or maybe there is room for my point of view, too.

I feel that I will have a long and happy life together with my husband and there is no need for me to start right now. I am not planning to push it off for a very long time, but for at least another year, maybe even two. Does that make me crazy? My friends seem to think I am, but something inside me tells me there is another way to see it. I would appreciate hearing your point of view based on your experience.

Thanks so much,

Dating Doubts

Dear Dating Doubts,

It is admirable that you are pausing to consider if you are ready to get married before you start dating. Plenty of people who follow the prevailing wisdom and start dating when their friends do are actually similar to you. Although they may not be ready to get married, they start dating when it is “normal” to do so in their social circles. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to negative consequences.

One of the side effects of dating before you feel ready is that you can feel stressed and anxious. This feeling can linger for a long time and can affect your ability to date effectively even after you feel ready to get married. It is better to consider your own situation and determine what is best for you, regardless of what your friends are doing.

It is worthwhile for you to explore all of your reasons for not being ready to get married at this time. This can give you more clarity and help you to make the decision that is right for you about when to start dating. You mention that one of the key factors is that you are looking forward to finishing college and pursuing a graduate degree. You are reluctant to juggle your education with the responsibilities of married life. At first glance, your choice not to date right now in order to keep life simple seems very reasonable. Yet, your hesitation may not only be related to your short-term concerns. Maybe your desire for independence and freedom will dampen your desire to date even two years from now. There could also be other reasons why you are wary about dating or marriage. Explore any and all possible concerns you might have.

Ask yourself: How do I feel about going on dates? What would it be like to allow someone on a date to get to know me? How do I feel about sharing my life with another person? What are my thoughts about raising a family, with the responsibility that it involves?

If the idea of dating itself appeals to you and you are comfortable with the idea of being married, then chances are you will not have a hard time pivoting when the time comes for you to date. But if you have concerns about any of these areas, then your choice not to date does not seem to stem only from your short-term plans. Think about these possibilities and if any resonate with you, seek a therapist to discuss them further.

The other issue that you raise is that dating seems to be less of a process in your social circles. From what you describe, people tend to decide rather quickly whom to marry, without going out with several people. You might wonder how they can make such a life-altering decision based on a few meetings. Often, these people invest lots of time and effort into researching a person before they go out on a date. Before they go out, they have already determined, to some extent, that they share similar values, beliefs and goals. On a date, their goal is to see if they enjoy each other’s company and to see if they would like to develop a relationship. They do not usually have a close friendship before they get engaged. They build a relationship once they are married, and the nature of their relationship is different depending on their personal and cultural expectations.

This method may not feel right for you. Whenever you choose to start dating, you might want to approach dating as more than a choice of whether to marry someone or not. Dating can be a valuable opportunity to get to know more about yourself, what you need in a spouse, how to develop a relationship and more.

Take the time to consider these questions so that you can make a decision that is right for you. You may find that holding off on dating and investing in your personal growth is the best preparation for marriage that you can do right now.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist and relationship coach, specializing in teaching emotional connection and communication skills for over two decades. She coaches individuals and couples, and teaches online courses to help you create your ideal relationship. Get free relationship resources and contact her at chanimaybruch.com