Last edition of The Link focused on “simchas”. The terms implies happiness and, while weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs and birthdays are all wonderful occasions, simchas are typically accompanied by a healthy dose of anxiety. All parents feel a certain level of stress surrounding various needs of their children during simchas.  For parents of children with special needs, however, this concern is taken to a whole different level.

One of the most stressful occasions that parents of children with special needs have to face is the family simcha. On a regular basis in our practice, we are troubleshooting with parents on various strategies to help their children cope with the impending special event and ensure that the situation is as enjoyable as possible.

In general, most children function best in their own routines and daily schedules. Some children love a crowd and lots of attention. Some children are shy, or fearful in crowds and prefer to remain with their parents the entire time. But having a child with special needs at a simcha changes the dynamic for many families in so many ways. Many parents of children with special needs have told me over the years that they do not feel truly accepted by their families. This becomes even more upsetting when their children “act out” or require additional care. In some families, this is not the case at all: The entire family is accepting and supportive and loving. Nevertheless, there are expectations regarding acceptable behavior at a simcha.

For some families, the simcha is the rare occasion where their child is introduced, or re-introduced, to extended family and friends. Oftentimes, relative strangers feel the need to “say something”, resulting frequently in comments that may seem judgmental, rude or intrusive. In order to maintain a peaceful environment at the simcha, the parents frequently do not answer the comment but simply let it slide. Unfortunately, this comment slowly digs into the heart of the already stressed-out parent.

In general, each family must decide for itself what types of help it will require to maximally enjoy the simcha. My job is to troubleshoot and determine whether we can pinpoint the areas that we anticipate to be the most potentially difficult ones for the child and his or her family. Here are some examples of strategies that I have discussed with parents of many of my clients to get them through a simcha:

Prepare your child in advance for the upcoming simcha. You can use pictures of family members and discuss some of the people who will be attending. Use of social stories (refer to Dr. Wodinsky’s article about this topic a few weeks ago) to help the child emotionally prepare for the simcha can be an extremely helpful strategy.

Make advance arrangements with a trusted point person to help out with the child. This can be a hired babysitter or caregiver if the family can afford it. This person can wait in the wings and if the child seems calm and content, then let him/her manage independently. If things seem to be getting out of hand, however, then your assistant can diffuse the situation and help the child recoup.

If hired help is not possible or the family would like to manage the child without outside help, speak to extended family members in advance and let them know what you will need from them. Many times family members refrain from offering to help since they either do not know what is needed or they think they will be embarrassing the parents of the child. Let your family know in advance that you welcome assistance and then guide them so that they know exactly what you need.

Find out in advance if there is a room to where the child can escape if the environment becomes too overstimulating. Frequently, children with special needs become overstimulated or overwhelmed by the amount of noise, people and commotion in a large room of a simcha. A quiet room to which the child can retreat from time to time throughout the simcha will allow the child to take breaks and then return whenever he or she is ready.

Bring some of your child’s toys and snacks. Having a bag of toys that the child can play with quietly will allow your child to have some familiarity in a strange setting (let’s face it, some of our families are stranger than others) and have some appropriate sedentary play.

Keep an eye on your child. Remember, you know your child best and if you can observe a change in your child’s behavior and prevent a meltdown or feelings of distress before they occur, you may be able to diffuse a potentially difficult situation.

Alyssa Colton MA, OTR and Aviva Lipner MA, OTR are pediatric occupational therapists and owners of Kids’ Therapy Place, LLC and Kids’ Therapy Toy Store info_kidstplace.com

By Alyssa Colton MA, OTR/L And Aviva Lipner MA, OTR/L