Rosh Hashanah will mark the shloshim (30 days) since the death of my mother, Aviva Futter z”l. For over 40 years she was a teacher. She started teaching immigrant soldiers in the Israeli army, even following them into Sinai when the fighting ended after the Suez Crisis. She then taught immigrant children in 40-plus children classrooms in Kiryat Gat. After coming to the States, she taught at YCQ, and for the final 27 years, taught first-grade Hebrew at what is now the Golda Och Academy in West Orange.
My mother’s teaching did not end in the classroom; it infused every aspect of her life and our household. In her memory, I would like to share some of her lessons.
- Identify Your Key Values, Then Share Them Relentlessly
My mom was defined by two values—“Ve’ahavta lere’echa kamocha” (Love your neighbor as you love yourself) and “Ivdu et Hashem b’simcha” (Serve God with joy).
If you were in my mom’s class, you would have felt that there was an imaginary timer set to go off if VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha had not been mentioned in 15 minutes. The importance of this was drilled into her students. Lessons did not stop at the classroom door; Morah Futter observed you in the playground and if you were not a mensch, you would hear about it.
My mom came from a traditional home and as she became more observant her love for the beauty and wisdom of Judaism reached epic proportions. Simply stated, there was no gift in her life bigger than being Jewish and she wanted everyone to know. Shabbat and holiday meals were productions and she poured her love of Judaism into every aspect of the table. She could not just serve chopped liver; she took radish slices and wrote out “Shabbat Shalom” and “Chag Sameach.”
- The Family That Gifts Together
My parents made it clear to my sisters and myself that they much preferred one joint gift instead of three individual gifts. They felt that the fact that their children had collaborated in the selection and delivery of the gift was a second gift.
- You Cannot Outsource Your Child’s Education
My mom insisted that parents review their children’s homework each night. A couple once came up to her and said that for five months they had hated her. They were both professionals who worked long hours and resented having to review the homework with their son. The father then said, “Around February we realized you were not the problem, we were.” Everyone is busy, don’t neglect the gems in your life.
- Ego Has No Role
When you want to do your best for others, ego has no role. My mom authored a Hebrew text that was used in 25 schools. She taught with it for almost 25 years. Late in her career a new book came along. She reviewed it and deemed it better than her book. The next year she dropped her own book and started teaching the new book. Ego had no place when it came to her students.
- It’s the Small Things
Thinking back to the week of shiva, it struck me that most of what we focused on were small individual acts, so many of which made a difference in the lives of her family, friends and students. Don’t wait for the big opportunities to come along. We also rarely focused on what she said—her actions spoke far more eloquently.
- Halloween, Thanksgiving
And the Janitor
Putting aside halachic concerns, my mom found Halloween intrinsically abhorrent. The fact that children were being encouraged to take rather than give bothered her no end. In that regard, to her, Purim was the “Jewish” Halloween. A holiday that through mishloach manot taught children to be givers, not takers.
By contrast, my mom elevated Thanksgiving in our house to near Yom Tov status. She marveled at the fact that America had dedicated a day to hakarat hatov (recognizing those who have done good things for you).
My mother would never miss an opportunity to show gratitude—especially to those most of us overlook. We made a surprise birthday party for her during her final year of teaching. Mid-party she disappeared. Finally, I went searching for her. Turns out she had taken a slice of cake and was hunting down the janitor to give it to him. Think of how he must have felt when a senior teacher came running to him with a slice of her birthday cake. Again, it does not take grand gestures to make a difference.
I would like to take this opportunity to be makir tov myself and thank Rabbi Mendy Kaminker, the incredibly inspiring rabbi of Chabad of Hackensack, for encouraging me to write this article.
Shana Tova. May the brachot of the new year bring comfort to so many in need of it in Am Yisrael.
Dror Futter lives in Teaneck. He is a partner at the Rimon PC law firm where he advises startups and technology companies.
