It happens so often, it’s almost second nature. In fact, you probably aren’t even aware you do it most of the time. When was the last time you said something like, “I have to,” “I should,” or “I can’t?” I bet you can’t exactly recall, but dollars-to-doughnuts you said it at several times today.
We all talk and think this way. We say things like, “I have to go to work today” and “I can’t eat that piece of cake.” It may seem harmless. After all, it’s just words. We all know these statements are just a figure of speech. Nothing is physically preventing you from eating the piece of cake, so you don’t mean that you literally can’t eat the cake. And, while you’re required to work if you want to be paid, no one is literally going to physically force you to go to work.
In the past, I’ve written about such things as the power of positive thinking and the importance of focusing on positive things in our lives, rather than dwelling on the negative. You might say, “Ok, that sounds good, but it’s a bit too simplistic.” Well, the truth is, it is pretty simple, but sometimes the best things are the most straightforward and least complicated. So, here’s a very easy and effective way to increase our happiness and be more successful in life: Turn “I can’t…” into “I choose not to,” and “I have to do…” into “It’s good for me to do…”
When we use words like “can’t,” “have to,” must,” and “should,” it causes a subtle, negative shift in our thinking and this can have a profound effect on our attitude and how we feel. Saying “I have to go to work” puts me in a negative frame of mind. The very words focus my thinking on the negative things about my job and get me thinking about the reasons I don’t want to go to work. However, if I say, “I get to go to work today,” I’m making a positive statement, and in saying it, I direct my thinking toward the things about my job that I appreciate.
Those of us who’ve ever tried to eat healthier or to lose a significant amount of weight know how hard it can be to do so. So, we need all the help we can get and changing our attitude toward food makes it a lot easier to achieve our goals.
When I think, “I can’t eat this cookie,” the negative word “can’t” gets me thinking in a negative way. It’s frustrating and depressing to think about all the things I “can’t” do and perhaps I start resenting the fact that I need to abstain from eating cookies if I want to lose weight and feel healthier. On the other hand, when I think, “Not eating this cookie is really good for me and will help me lose weight and feel healthier,” I’m focusing my thoughts on positive things. As a result, I’m less likely to feel resentful and frustrated and more likely to stay motivated and disciplined in keeping to a healthy diet.
Another great benefit from making this little shift in how we think about things is that we feel more empowered. When I think, “I have to do this,” I’m placing myself in a powerless scenario where I have no say in the matter. And no one likes feeling powerless! On the other hand, when I say, “I choose to do this,” I’m taking back control over my life and I feel empowered. This leads to increased confidence and hopefulness that I can accomplish my goals and stick to my plan.
Again, it’s a subtle change in how we think, but it makes a big difference in how we feel over time. When we feel confident and hopeful, when we are mindful of the positive reasons for doing things, we’re much more likely to do them and do them well.
By Shoval Gur-Aryeh, PhD
Dr. Gur-Aryeh is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Saddle Brook, NJ. He works with a wide variety of clients seeking mental health treatment and specializes in mood disorders and addiction in particular. If you would like to contact him, you can do so at [email protected], at 201-406-9710 or through his website at www.shovalguraryehphd.com.
