My guess is that you have had this experience before. You’re walking down the street. Your eyes are looking forward and you notice a person coming your way. You prepare to say “good morning,” “hello,” or something similar, only to have the other person drop their eyes to avoid contact. You may choose to acknowledge him or her anyway, to which you get a half-hearted reply or no response at all. And if the person is walking past you from behind, you can be almost certain that no exchange will occur.
If you’re like me, these interactions can be disturbing. You get the feeling that you are being viewed as a burden to avoid, not a person to engage or even acknowledge. Moreover, you feel robbed, having lost out on the opportunity to exchange pleasantries and share positive energy. Perhaps you also worry that you may become like “them,” figuring that if you can’t be them, you may as well join ’em and develop your own form of tunnel vision in public spaces.
The indignant among us may blame the whole thing on rudeness or poor manners. Others may chalk it up to cultural norms, particularly in larger urban communities where life is just too busy (real or imagined) and there are just too many people around (real or imagined) to take a personal interest in everyone that you encounter.
While these explanations may be true to some degree, I believe that a lot of this behavior stems from a few underlying sources: confidence and energy (or the lack thereof) and a perception of need.
1. What’s the risk? Confidence reflects our personal sense of self. Are we comfortable in our own skin? Are we willing to risk communication with someone whom we don’t know? What if they don’t respond? What if they think we’re crazy?
2. Low energy. Energy is the power that lies within each of us. We bring it to every situation we are in. When our energy is high, we feel that we can change the world. When it’s low, it saps the wind out of everyone’s sails. When people hurry by without even a feigned recognition, they are often simply too low on their personal energy stratum to engage others positively.
3. How might I gain? We often look at conversations based on perceived value. What do I stand to benefit from talking to you? Will it create new financial opportunities? Might it enhance my social standing?
The pessimist may look at this and say that there’s no hope in making a dent in this regard. And they may be correct. We can’t change others, particularly those we don’t know. However, we can lead by example, and demonstrate the positivity of the experience.
View each encounter as an opportunity to engage and to inspire. But don’t do it with any expectation of reciprocity. Just consider what you stand to gain in terms of boosting your own energy and hopefully helping someone’s day start off even better. You never know, maybe that person will even “pay it forward,” and begin a cycle of positivity that can have significant implications on many others whom you will never encounter.
Rabbi Naphtali Hoff is an executive coach and president of Impactful Coaching and Consulting (ImpactfulCoaching.com). He can be reached at 212-470-6139 or at [email protected].
By Rabbi Naphtali Hoff
